I’ve been derelict in my hate duty this year because it’s hard to hate on the opposition when you hate your team as well. I’ve done my very best to not say anything at all, instead of writing a weekly article lambasting—well, pretty much everything I’ve seen on the football field outside of one half against Notre Dame that I had to watch on replay.
This week, instead of hating Georgia Tech, I’m going to try and hype Clemson.
Dabo challenged everyone in the building, including the guy that cuts the grass, to be better, and that bought Tiger fans 30 minutes of good offensive football before the spell wore off. Clemson went from looking like a team that could compete for a National Championship to a team that looks like it could finish mid-pack in the Sun Belt. But those 30 minutes were the sweetest 30 minutes of the season.
Maybe a little music might help with consistency.
I’ve got a few pregame and halftime music suggestions for the boys. It may not work as well as getting yelled at by Dabo, but music always gets my mind right.
Lets Get Our Minds Right!
I’ll never question Shipley’s “want to.” Dude is a competitor down to his core, but Will, buddy, you need to chill.
You get all hyped up and go straight Leroy Jenkins on every run play. Clemson offensive linemen have taken more friendly fire from you than they deserve. Every time Will Putnam enters a room, he puts his back to the wall like an Old West gunfighter so Shipley can’t sneak up on him. It’s rumored Blake Miller has the impression of Will’s face mask permanently bruised into his back. I understand you want to hit the hole as hard as you can, but hold up a second.
By the time your pulling guard makes it to the hole, you’re already leading the way and taking the linebacker head-on. Unfortunately, you have the football and should be trying to avoid the linebacker or at least let the guard handle him instead of taking blocking into your own hands.
I appreciate the hustle, but maybe we should work smarter, not harder?
What Will needs is a nice pregame meditation session.
I want my man in the sensory deprivation chamber 4 hours before the game with this in his headphones.
That gives him 3 hours of Gregorian Chants and a half-hour to get loose. If the coaching staff takes my recommendation and puts blinders on him, like they do with anxious and over-hyped racehorses, he might slow down enough to let a run develop. Better yet, it might slow him down enough to maintain control of his legs through contact instead of leading the nation in being brought down by the last defender’s fingernail.
When he hits the locker room for halftime, it’s back to the sensory deprivation chamber for more chanting and chilling before coming out.
Let’s relax, focus on our breathing, and turn a few -1 yard gains into 5-yard gains and a couple of 12-yard gains into 40-yard gains.
This is a tough but necessary recommendation.
Will and Beaux are polar opposites.
Will needs to slow down and relax, and Beaux needs to get his heart rate above 30 beats per minute.
Beaux, I get it, Beaux—Beaux time is chill time. It’s California cool time. It’s time to check your watch and eat a biscuit, not fight for a contested ball to help out your beleaguered quarterback or catch a slant route that hits you in the hands. That needs to change because I’m concerned the next time you get bodied by a 5’10”, 180-pound defensive back, my wife might lose her entire mind.
I was stuck with the dreaded “mandatory work commitment” last Saturday and missed watching Clemson play for the first time in over a decade. I managed to keep up with the game on my phone during some well-timed bathroom breaks but didn’t actually get to watch it. When I returned home, my wife spent the first 30 minutes explaining how Collins refuses to fight for a single ball in the most colorful language I’ve ever heard her use, and we’ve been together for over 20 years.
To help Beaux out, I’ve got this video cued up for him and set on a loop. We’re going full Clockwork Orange and making him watch this for at least 48 straight hours before every game. I want him to beat Dabo down The Hill. I want him to start a fight on the first play of the game. I want him to press slam a safety in celebration instead of jogging into the end zone and going through his NIL routine.
Honestly, Beaux, I just want you to play up to your potential because I think you’re a good player. But unless you step up your intensity 75% and refuse to get pushed around by slot corners, you won’t realize your immense potential. If you assist the other team in picking off your quarterback in the NFL, they’re going to beat you in the locker room with bars of soap stuck in tube socks.
Nobody wants that for you. I’d be thrilled to see you reach your goals and make millions of dollars in the NFL. I think this video might help.
Beaux, the Ultimate Warrior was a terrible wrestler and an even worse human being (not to speak ill of the dead, but yikes), but the man made bank on hype alone. With my patented Ultimate Warrior Hype Therapy regime, it’s possible for you to both reach your full potential as a football player and stop driving a 41-year-old woman in Athens, Georgia, to invent new curse words to describe your play.
“Beaux Time” is now “Go Time!”
All I want from Cade at this point is steady play.
Cade, I’m not asking you to be Trevor or Deshaun; all I’m asking you to do is stop making catastrophic errors and allow your defense to win the game. For instance, when the opponent throws a pick-6, you’re not required to throw one as well. To be fair, your receivers haven’t done you any favors, but I’ve got Beaux on my Ultimate Warrior regime now. He’s not going to assist the defense in intercepting your passes anymore.
Against Tech, I want you to check out your primary receiver, move to your secondary, and then take off if neither are open. Don’t run backward. Don’t run sideways until you get to the boundary and then try to toss the ball forward underhand. Don’t go over the line of scrimmage before you throw it, and for the love of everything holy, don’t start your slide before the 1st down marker. Just be steady, man. Be cool. Be chill. Take what the defense gives you, and if they don’t give you anything, throw the ball all the way out of bounds and live to fight another day.
It’s not that you don’t make plays; it’s that all the big plays you make are negated because you’re not steady. Be steady, buddy; let the game come to you; the talent is there.
I’ve got The Raconteurs teed up for you.
Cade, all you need to pay attention to is the chorus. That’s your new mantra.
You wake up in the morning humming “steady as she goes,” and you go to bed humming “steady as she goes.” I still think you’ve got greatness in you, but before you can move on to great, you have to start at steady. You tried to skip a few rungs on the ladder, and it’s cost you.
Time to turn things around.
Will please calm down.
Beaux please hype up.
Cade please relax and stop forcing things.
If y’all can accomplish the tasks I’ve laid out, the Jackets don’t stand a chance, and I can ramp up the hate for the South Carolina game.
I hope the music helps.