Get Up, It’s Hate Week!

If y’all enjoy my hate articles, please send a giant thank you to the University of Tennessee’s secondary. I wasn’t planning on writing one this week. I try and save “Hate” articles for special occasions, and playing another corpse of a South Carolina team is far from special.

Tennessee’s refusal to cover the forward pass has sparked life in the Gamecocks. Their fans (even the somewhat “sane” ones) think if things fall just right, they can walk into Death Valley and end the nations longest home winning streak. Hell, the jilted Clemson fan that makes lists on the internet has the Cocks pulling the upset (he also had NC State pulling the upset and has Clemson on “Upset Watch” every other week). The guy that buys up all the Just For Men Jet Black Beard Dye in Columbia and podcasts out of his step-aunt’s broken down R.V. has USC (formerly UofSC, formerly USC) winning 24-21. Amazingly, the Gamecock faithful still believe the grifters that pump them full of false hope. It’s wild, but a small group of college football con artists have found a group of people who continually fall for their schtick. They’ve found the college football equivalent of the people who still fall for the Nigerian Prince scam, despite losing their entire life savings twice already, and are taking them on another ride.

I couldn’t be more thankful.

Gentle readers, I have a confession to make, I’m the college football equivalent of a Grizzly Bear. I’m only interested in eating you if you fight back. When you come across me in the college football wild, it’s best to keep your pack on, lay flat on your stomach, and don’t move. I might poke you with my toe a few times, but I’ll eventually lose interest and be on my way. It’s not fun when the opposition doesn’t fight back.

After their Florida humiliation our friends in Columbia were deader than . They were waiting for Beamers boys to get laughed off the field in the final 2 games, fire Satterfield, and hope against hope for a favorable bowl match-up. Something about putting a bow on a turd of a season makes them feel better. I suppose when your “rival” has more bowl wins than you have bowl appearances, you take what you can get. Thanks to Vols epic bed defecation, the chickens have risen from the dead, and are strutting around headless in the barn lot. This is the most fun I’ve had before a South Carolina game in what feels like a decade. I have no qualms about putting a headless chicken out of its misery.

You know Kirkland Brand Dabo, excuse me, Coach Beamer, is gassing up the Cocks for this game. He’s be talking about “Bringing Your Own Guts” and how “Best is the Standard” at Carolina. I’m told the Coots are “All-In” and will be wearing Orange Britches to signify their opportunity to finish a season with 8 or more wins for the 15th time in program history (this is a true stat btw). No word on if Shano (a childhood nickname, or so he says) plans on running down The Hill on Saturday, but security has been alerted to the possibility. He’ll have his guys ready to go. They’ll run their mouths, dance around, maybe try and start a pregame brawl, and then the opening kick will put an end to all their silliness. Nothing stops Gamecock momentum like a football game.

While this game is a supposed “rivalry” game, and I’m not supposed to have mercy, I do think it’s important to keep they young men who held Clemson offers, and yet, for reasons beyond my comprehension (masochism perhaps?) chose to play for one of the worst squads in the history of college football, conveniently located in the only city in the southeast that makes Jacksonville look classy, in our thoughts. It must be tough getting punished for the worst decision of your life on a yearly basis. Some of these young men were convinced by Will Muschamp to flush 4-5 years of their athletic careers down the drain, instead of playing for a college football powerhouse like Clemson. When given an easy way out of Columbia, they allowed Dollar Store Dabo to convince them to stay (as long as Shano didn’t have an Oklahoma transfer to take their place). Some call this dedication to the cause, others call it chasing bad money, but either way, hats off to those brave few who have accepted their lot in life. I have no experience in these sorts of things, but can only assume the losing gets easier after a while. Still, watching a team you could have played for lighting up the scoreboard yet again, while your Coach does a cartwheel after your defense stops Clemson from picking up a 1st down on 2nd and 5 (surely because of a bad spot), must be difficult. Anways, Ts&Ps go out to those select few. I’m thankful that these young men get to experience what it’s like to play in Death Valley, even if it’s on the wrong end of a lopsided loss.

Finally, I would once again like to thank the college football God’s for providing South Carolina as a “rival”. We didn’t get a good rival, but we got a fun one. Their absurd, yet compelling, mix of bravado and ineptitude is unprecedented in sports. They can take a 50 point beating and talk about how it puts them in perfect position for next season. I’ve never seen a program outside of Texas A&M more willing to light piles of cash on fire for the sheer joy of watching it burn. Scar fans know their team is bad, but instead of shutting them up, it makes them louder. I don’t understand Gamecock fans, but I love them in a sick, twisted, way. Watching them suffer is truly one of the great joys in my life, and I plan on spending Saturday happy.

Y’all stay safe, and remember, no matter how revolting they are tomorrow, take it easy on the Cock fans. We’ll never know what it’s like to walk a mile in their shoes, and for that, I’m thankful.