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Hatin’ Round the NCAA

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I’ll give El’Cid a pass this week. I’ve got bigger, more obnoxious, fish to fry.

NCAA Football: College Football Playoff Semifinal-Ohio State vs Clemson Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Sup y’all? Injecting a some college football into my system has improved my innards significantly. I’m feeling closer to my normal hate-filled self this week, and am ready to get after it.

Unfortunately, we’ve got The Citadel on the schedule this week. They’re not apathetic like Wake, but they’re also not good at football. Everything I know about The Citadel I learned from The Lords of Discipline and my former roommate who attended for two weeks before climbing a fence in the middle of the night and escaping into the Charleston night. Let’s just say I respect the Bulldogs, but that wasn’t the college experience I was looking for, even though it may have been the college experience I needed.

Let’s get to the HATE!

Big 12

Full disclosure, I write for the K-State SB Nation site. I’m contractually obligated not to hate on their bed defecating against a dangerous Arkansas State team. I do, however, have some things to say about Iowa State and Kansas.

First off, living in the Midwest, I continuously hear about Matt Campbell’s genius at Iowa State. Matt must have the best agent in the nation, because the only thing above average about his coaching is the hype. Folks keep trying to make “Iowa State is actually good” a thing. Some national “writers” even had Brock Purdy as a potential Heisman dark horse, but the Cyclones turned into a light breeze against the Ragin’ Napiers on opening day.

Seriously, how does a supposed “contender” in the Big12 get dumped on their head, 31-14, by a Sun Belt team? Even Tommy Bowden was embarrassed by the low-energy garbage Matt Campbell tried to pass off as football last Saturday. The Cajuns weren’t even spicy on offense. They threw for 154 yards and a touchdown, ran for 120 yards and a touchdown and still put up 31 points because no one told Iowa State that special teams tackling hadn’t been suspended. Look, maybe I can forgive giving up an early kick return...maybe, but a kick return and a punt return...inexcusable laziness. At least we got that over with early so everyone can go back to not caring about Iowa State.

Speaking of inexcusable, the mighty Chanticleers took Kansas’s paycheck and then they took whatever was left of the Jayhawks’ pride. The crazy part about watching that game was that Coastal physically looked like the Power 5 school and Kansas physically looked like they belonged in the basement of the Sun Belt.

Rock, Chalk looked at what South Carolina did when they hired Lou Holtz and thought, “man, we should try that, but with Les Miles. Honestly, it’s time for the Kansas to fold up the football tent and focus all their energy into cheating in basketball because football ain’t happening in Lawrence.

Oklahoma

Yes, the Sooners did what several other Big12 schools couldn’t accomplish and beat the tomato can they scheduled, but the “SPENCER RATTLER IS GOD!” narrative is already wearing on my nerves. Granted, I didn’t spend two weeks of grocery money and a months worth of child support ordering the game on pay per view like most of Sooner Nation, but from the highlights I’ve seen, Rattler was throwing to receivers with 6 yards of separation, running half speed. I’m positive that Ben Batson could have come out of retirement and put up a similar show against Missouri State.

Look, I’m all for Bobby Petrino getting his slime-covered ass beat, and I appreciate the fact that Oklahoma poured it on Missouri State, but the Sooners would have received a tougher test scrimmaging their second team defense, and if you’ve watched OU over the last few years, defense isn’t exactly their thing either. This week, Oklahoma is looking to revenge their epic flop at Kansas State last year. They may beat up on a Wildcat team still trying to overcome 5 years of Bill Snyder steadfastly refusing to recruit, but at least it will be somewhat of a test. Nothing but respect for Mr. Rattler, he looks like a good player, but let’s derail the hype train until he goes against an actual college football team and not a Bobby Petrino-led vanity project like Missouri State.

An Ohio State School

“Wait, Drew, Ohio State isn’t even playing right now!”

I know, they aren’t playing and they’re still whining. If I see “If Ohio State doesn’t play this year, the National Championship doesn’t count” one more time I’m tossing my computer out the window, because being exposed to that level of idiocy is a precursor to brain worms. All Ohio State not playing does is give Clemson a tougher path to the CFP Championship game. I mean thank God Oklahoma and Notre Dame are still available to lose in the semi-final, but things could get tricky if a team with a killer instinct makes the CFP instead of the above mentioned walking Charmin Ultra Soft commercials.

*Update

After I wrote this article, the Big 10 decided to play football this fall. The narrative has now shifted from “The National Championship won’t count if Ohio State doesn’t play” to “Clemson is afraid to play Ohio State.” This, of course, is more Buckeye delusion, led by alleged domestic abuser and sex toy enthusiast and confirmed order of protection violator, Zach Smith.

If you’re not familiar with Zach’s work, neither is Urban Meyer, because he can’t remember anything that happened during his tenure at Ohio State. You’ll remember Zach as an Ohio State receivers coach that kept Saints star receiver Michael Thomas on the bench for two seasons in Columbus because he’s a terrible talent evaluator. He’s also the guy that helped mold the Buckeye receiving group into a group that was completely shut down by the Tigers in the 2016 Fiesta Bowl. In that game, an Ohio State running back Curtis Samuel carried the receiving load with 9 catches for a 43 yards. The leader of “Coach” Smith’s prized group of 4 and 5* talent was Corey Smith, who managed to pull in 2 receptions for 27 yards.

It appears Zach’s twitter game, coaching game, and being a decent human being game all reside in the same medical waste dumpster.

*

To be fair to the Buckeyes, they have helped me make it through the last 7 months. When the world was falling down around my ears and I was locked in the house with a bored 5-year-old for months at a time, their tears helped sustain me. When things got bad I could always tweet, “That was obviously targeting on Wade,” or, “Ross didn’t hold on to the ball long enough for that to be a catch,” then sit back and watch the entire Buckeye fan base have a collective temper tantrum. In my absolute darkest moments, I turned to Ryan Day’s post-Clemson loss presser, You know, the one where he cries like...well...like my 5-year-old daughter coming down off a month-long sugar and television binge and being told she can’t have cake for breakfast.

Seriously, with a coach like Day setting the tone for the Buckeye program, it’s not hard to understand why their players and fans spend most of their time crying about “being cheated” and not celebrating “wins.” It’s sad and pathetic, and I would say the entire state of Ohio should be ashamed, but we all know that anyone born in that God-forsaken meth factory masquerading as state comes out of the womb without the capacity to feel or even understand the concept of shame.

Florida State

I’m going to end this talking about the former kings of the ACC. There is nothing I can say to hurt Florida State fans at this point because they’re already dead inside. I can’t think of a single “blue blood” program that has fallen off the college football map in such a short period of time without significant sanctions. It took Bobby Bowden 34 seasons to build the Noles into one of the most feared teams in college football and it took Jimbo Fisher 8 sleaze-filled seasons to burn it to the ground and then sneak out the back door to Texas A&M.

I almost feel bad for Seminole fans at this point, but then I remember how they supported Jimbo and Jameis, and I’m more confident than ever that karma is real. You watch some of the kids they recruit coming out of high school, and they have amazing tape, but as soon as they step onto the cursed Doak Walker field, all of that amazing talent disappears. It’s like they found a monkey paw, wished for a National Championship, and are now suffering the unintended consequences.

I think we all need to apologize to Willie Taggart. I thought he was FSU’s problem and that Norvell would turn them around instantly with all the talent he has at his disposal. Turns out Willie wasn’t the problem (or at least not the entire problem) and nothing short of a program-wide exorcism will fix the cursed football played in Tallahassee. I hope the dude that was dancing in the Death Valley stands and running up and down the aisles trying to give Clemson fans high fives in the 4th quarter of the Seminoles blow out of Clemson, in particular, has watched every second of every Florida State game the last 4 seasons. I wish him nothing but college football misery.

I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe.