LSU Bought the Hype...Never Buy the Hype - HATE

Sup y’all, I’m back for my final hate installment of the year. Normally I write these to get everyone fired up, and maybe have a good laugh, but if you need something to fire you up for this game, you should take up cheering for equestrian (I understand they have a fine program in the mid state).

I’ve only got a few things to say, so let’s get straight to the hate.

LSU “fans”

How am I supposed to talk ridiculous trash on a group of people who so thoroughly embarrass themselves on a daily basis?

Nothing I can say will match some ridiculously idiotic action taken by an LSU fan while I’m writing this article. If you told me that as I’m typing, 3 LSU fans are getting intimate with an alligator in the middle of Bourbon Street, while being cheered on by their significant cousins, and between them they have 36 ¹⁄₂ toes, I wouldn’t doubt you one bit. Generally speaking, you can say, “every fan base has its share of idiots” but much like South Carolina, the LSU contingent of K-Mart and Dollar Store fans is so substantial, LSU’s share of idiots far surpasses the normal college football program.

You see, LSU fans, when reduced to their true essence, are simply South Carolina fans with a winning program to support. In fact, much like UofSC fans during their cute little 5 year run of above average football, LSU fans have the same gleam of desperation in their eyes that Cocks fans had oh so many years ago. LSU knows that once Joe and Joe head to the pros after this game, they’ll be back to fighting Auburn over who gets to suck Bama’s left hind tit first, just like USCe knew they were destined to return the college football gutter once the Spurrier magic had run its course.

Like a drunk tourist from Dubuque stumbling through the French Quarter, LSU has no idea how they got here, or what it’s going to take to get back. Their only choice is to continue straight ahead and hope everything works out for the best. Unfortunately for the Bayou Bengals, their about to stumble down the wrong alley and run into an actual Tiger.

Coach O

To be fair, drunkenly stumbling down dark college football alleys is how Coach O landed the job at LSU. Before he was everyone’s favorite gravel throated gumbo gourmand his career was a 7 hurricane and 3 hand grenade stumble through the back alleys of college football. How he managed to come out the other end without a show cause penalty attached to his name is one of the biggest miracles in coaching.

It’s weird, but Ed seems to have worked for every historically sleazy football program in the nation.

He worked for both Jimmy Johnson and Dennis Erickson at Miami in the late 80s and early 90s (before he stepped away from coaching after getting in a drunken bar fight in New Orleans that earned him a felony case (that was eventually dropped).

He was the recruiting coordinator for Pete Carroll during his time at USC that both won a ton of football games and left a smoking crater of NCAA violations in its wake.

He worked for Lane Kiffin when Tennessee went on a single season NCAA violation bender the likes of which hasn’t been seen out outside of Oxford, Mississippi. Good Ol’ Coach O was Lane’s recruiting coordinator was (allegedly) responsible for calling several Tennessee recruits the day they before they were supposed to enroll at UT to tell them that he was leaving with Kiffin, and if they wanted to come along they shouldn’t go to class the next day.

He escaped the angry mob in Knoxville with Lane and headed back to Southern California as Kiffin’s recruiting coordinator. After Kiffin was left on the runway, Coach O took over as the interim coach before being relieved of his coaching job after the season.

Folks, Coach O may be America’s favorite Cajun uncle, but he’s more like you favorite uncle who only makes it to a family reunion every 5 or so years because he’s “driving long haul trucks.” Everyone knows he’s doing another stretch in the state penitentiary for running a chop shop out of the ex-wife’s garage, but when he does show up at the family reunion, he’s the life of the party. Unfortunately, the grease under his nails and the Corvette of unknown origins parked in the driveway indicate that he’s probably not going to make it to the next few reunions.

Home Field Advantage

Let’s talk a little about the Super Dome. As Dabo rightly mentioned, and was subsequently pilloried for by a few 3rd rate websites, this is essentially a home game for LSU. That may worry some of you, but I’m here to tell you, it shouldn’t worry you at all.

I hear all the hype about “Deaf Valley at Night” but the hype fizzles under the smallest amount of scrutiny. This was LSU’s first regular season, undefeated home slate since 2013. In my opinion, Deaf Valley is one of the more over hyped venues in all of sports. I can tell you that Troy wasn’t intimidated when they walked into Baton Rouge and took care of business a few years ago. Bama certainly wasn’t intimidated when they waltzed into Deaf Valley, shut out LSU, chopped them into pieces and tossed them into the swamp for the Gators. I don’t care how many LSU fans sold off their air boats and took 3rd mortgages out on their cousins trailers to get into the Super Dome, the Bayou Bengals cant’ defend their own rusted out home stadium just down the road.

“Oh, but you don’t understand how loud it gets in the Dome!”

Look, it might get loud in the “The Dome” but that didn’t stop Kirk Cousins from snatching the heart out of the Saints, presenting it to the crowd, and then taking a bite out of it Temple of Doom style. The good news for LSU fans is that they’re already accustomed to cheering for a team that loses big games in the Super Dome, when they shuffle out of the stadium and back to their swamp shanties tonight, at least it won’t be an unfamiliar feeling

In Summary

I almost...almost...pity LSU. Much like Bama last year, they’re being conned into believing they’re unstoppable. They actually think they’re going to walk into the Super Dome tomorrow night and walk out with the trophy. In reality, the media is yet again serving up Clemson’s next SEC victim on a silver platter.

The thing I enjoy most about being a Clemson fan is the inevitable crowd shot that slowly zooms into an unsuspecting fan at the exact moment they realize it’s all over. You can see them going through the 7 stages of grief in a single 10 second zoom in.

Shock

“This can’t be happening, we’re in the SEC, we can’t lose to a team from the ACC.”

Denial

“We’re only 3 touchdowns in the hole. We’ve got plenty of time to come back and win this thing!”

Anger

“You know what, if the refs would just do their job we would be winning this game! Stupid Clemson always cheating!”

Bargaining

“Ok, all we need is a stop, a touchdown, another stop, another quick touchdown, an onside kick recovery and another touchdown and this thing is tied up!

Depression

“It’s over, we’re getting punked in front of the entire world by an ACC football team.”

Testing

“ We’ve got plenty of talent returning. We’ll see these guys against next year. They’re not a blue blood, they’ll drop off, this is just a fluke.”

Acceptance

“Damn, they scored again, I spent my rent money on this ticket and Clemson is up 4 touchdowns. I’m heading back to the parking lot.”

The Bayou Bengals, much like Ohio State, Alabama, Notre Dame, and Oklahoma before, have no idea what they’re about to run into tonight. The last time I watched Clemson and LSU play, they were dragging exhausted LSU players off the field as Clemson celebrated a win in the Peach Bowl. The good news for LSU fans is they won’t have to worry about this game ending on a game winning Clemson field goal.

By the time the 4th quarter rolls around, Chase Brice will be chopping up whats left of the LSU defense. I do hope our friends from the bayou to hang around during the 4th quarter, maybe the Clemson band will play Neck for them.