Wake Forest - Meh - I Can’t Even Hate

Hey y’all, it’s time for your weekly hate fix, so buckle up, I’ve got some things to say.

Clemson enters this game fresh off a shameful performance against NC State which saw the Tigers score points at the end of a football game they were winning. This, of course, goes against the unwritten rules of college football which dictate when you’re up big, you must stop playing, even if the other team continues to try and score.

You’ve got to hate it for Dave Doeren. He’s widely considered one of the classiest coaches in college football, and certainly isn’t a diaper-soiling toddler trapped in a grown man’s body. First Clemson has an illegal laptop on the sideline and now this? I know this is going to be unpopular on this site, but I think the ACC needs to start an investigation in Dabo’s bullying of Coach Doeren. Dave only makes a paltry $3.25 million a year to prepare his team to play football, and shouldn’t be subject to the humiliation he must have felt last Saturday.

I personally sent him an apology card with an adorable puppy on the front and a poem I wrote called “Dave Doeren: Leader of the Pack.” I recommend everyone else do the same (but please, don’t steal my poem idea, I’m planning on including it in my upcoming collection of college football poetry entitled “Football is Love.”) I’ve also sent a strongly worded email to “Coach” Swinney, requesting that Dave be allowed to run down The Hill next year in order to make this right.

Shame on Dabo...SHAME!!!!!!

Fortunately, Clemson has a chance to rebuild its shattered reputation on Saturday when the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest head into town. Hopefully the Clemson staff has learned their lesson and will punt the ball back to Wake on 1st down in the 4th quarter. I think a clapping tunnel set up by the Clemson defense on the last Demon Deacon drive that escorts the Wake quarterback to the end zone while 80K+ Clemson fans cheer him on would be a nice touch.

Folks, just remember, football is exciting, but in the long run, it’s not important. What’s important is everyone has a good time, and no one gets their feelings hurt. After last weeks debacle, Dabo needs to show the nation that the Clemson Tigers respect their opponents emotional health and well being. Bullying will not be tolerated.

Now...let’s get to the hate

Wake Forest

Folks, I’ve failed you.

I know I’m the leader of “hate nation” but I’ve been trying all week to hate Wake Forest, and I just can’t do it.

I’m ashamed.

Hating Wake Forest is like hating dry toast or plain white rice. Sure those things might not be “good” but it’s hard to say they’re bad. They’re just sort of there, and come in handy when your guts are messed up. Wake is the football equivalent of a bland diet.

This article isn’t much fun to write when you know there are only 17 Wake Forest football fans and they are a quiet and polite group. Lobbing Molotov Cocktails at degenerate NC State fans is fun. Burning Columbia to the ground like William Tecumseh Sherman is not only a hobby, but a way of life...but Wake...meh, it’s not fun when a fan base curls up into the fetal position and submits at the first sign of aggression.

Wake is just grist for the Clemson football mill.

They had a chance to come into the game ranked and give the Tigers a little boost in strength of schedule, but in true Wake fashion, they blew that opportunity by losing to Virginia Tech. Not only did they lose to the Hokies, but they lost their star wide receiver, Sage Surratt. I was looking forward to Brent devising some sort of maniacal scheme involving 2 defensive ends, 2 linebackers and 7 safeties, including Xavier Thomas playing deep middle to shut him down, but now that’s ruined as well. Now the only thing I’m mildly interested in watching is Isaiah Simmons tackling the running back and quarterback at the same time when Wake runs their slow mesh RPO.

I’m sure the Tigers are focused on Wake, and set to enjoy senior day. I have some bigger fish to fry than a school, which by all rights, should be playing in the Sun Belt and not a Power 5 conference.

Moving On

Penn State

I’m glad that silliness is over and the Nittany Lion faithful have sunk back into the college football ooze where they belong. Have you ever seen the video of Brian “The White Mamba” Scalabrine destroying a fan that thought he could compete with a professional basketball player in 1 on 1?

Consider Penn State the Boston fan that Scalabrine destroys in the video.

Listen Penn State, just because you win a few games against doesn’t mean you’re ready to compete with the big boys. Now, if you’ll please head back to the kiddie table with the rest of the pretenders and let the adult college football programs discuss important things, we’re tired of watching you struggle to put your straw into a juice box.

Ohio State

The only thing sillier than Penn State talking trash about football is listening to Ohio State talk about what they would do to Clemson if given the opportunity.

We’ve seen what O.$.U. is all about. and I can officially say that I have a deeper appreciation for Ivan Drago.

The Tigers brutalized an Ohio State University in the first round of the C.F.P. and yet, the undermanned Buckeyes, full of pride and visions of past glory, refuse to stay in their corner and accept the fact that they’re simply not good enough.

If the Buckeye’s want round 2 in the CFP, we’ll give them a second round, but this time, we’ll make sure they won’t get back up for a 3rd round.

Alabama and Georgia

I saved Bama and Georgia for last, because they’re the most pathetic. It’s sad to watch two formerly proud (in UGA’s case, it’s unfounded pride, but pride none-the-less) fight over who has the best loss.

Georgia

This is familiar territory for the Bulldogs, who spent a good bit of time last year trying to convince everyone that a loss against Alabama is actually a win, but this time it’s even worse. They’re trying to sell a home loss against South Carolina as “no big deal.”

UGA Fan: “I mean sure, we lost at home to one of the worst teams in P5 football (playing their 3rd string QB to boot) but we beat UF (with their back up QB) and Notre Dame (with their bad, slow football team) so it doesn’t count.”

Listen leg humpers, y’all should worry more about Auburn and less about the CFP. We’ve already watched you lose to a team with no discernible offensive abilities. I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again this weekend.

Alabama

How pathetic.

Alabama, of all teams, is begging for charity.

“Please committee, we know we haven’t beaten anyone, and we know that the LSU game wasn’t as close as the final score indicated because the Bayou Tigers were celebrating instead of playing defense on our last drive, but please, we’re Bama, you can’t throw a party without us.”

Losing bring out your true character, and it turns out, Bama doesn’t have any.