Boston College Has a Football Team? Hate...I Guess

We’re heading into week 9, and the Tigers continue their descent down the college football rankings. Trevor threw 2 first quarter interceptions, and even though the Tigers made light work of Louisville and kept their offense out of the end zone until garbage time, 1st quarter interceptions are the new preferred metric for college football analysts. When you can’t beat em, figure out a way to discount their accomplishments is the new battle cry in SEC land. Just an FYI for athletic directors: ESPN analyst (and NFL washout) Emmanuel Acho has a fool proof way to defeat 22-0 Trevor Lawrence. According to Emmanuel, it’s simple, so y’all should look into bringing him in as a defensive coordinator or maybe even a head coach. He’s got the formula to do what no team has managed over the last two seasons.

The Tigers came into the game against Boston College still reeling from their one-point victory over North Carolina. Since the win/loss in Chapel Hell, Clemson squeaked past FSU by a slim 31-point margin and then flirted with disaster in Louisville with a razor thin 35-point victory. Clemson’s got to right the listing ship soon, or the undefeated defending champs will win their way out of College Football Playoffs. Luckily for Dabo’s crew, they have an opportunity this Saturday, under the lights, to redeem their disappointing season against Boston College.

Let’s get to the hate.

Public Service Announcement:

This article goes out to our friends in Baaawston. It has come to my attention that your fine city is home to a college football team. I know, I’m as shocked as you are. I assumed the Eagles dropped football for quidditch after Matt Ryan graduated, but according to my football schedule they are still fielding a squad. Granted, it’s not a good team, but it’s a team none-the-less. This is what you need to know in order to jump on the B.C. bandwagon.

Coaches

Boston College has an infatuation with ‘z’ last name coaches. Their last 3 coaches, Jeff Jagodzinski, Frank Spaziania, and Steve Addazio, all failed on the field, but excelled at having z’s in their last name. I’m told that the only thing keeping current ‘z’ head coach Steve Addazio employed is the dearth of qualified ‘z’ coaches in the current football landscape. That’s the only justification I can find for employing Steve “7 wins or bust” Addazio for 7 seasons. The Eagles have the ceiling of a converted basement in Kansas (when house shopping in Manhattan, 3 houses were ruled out due to potential ceiling-concussion issues), but continue to pay Addazio over 2 million dollars a year to keep Boston College in neutral (with occasional seasons stuck in reverse). I’ve sent in my resume to Chestnut Hill, offering to put a bad football team on the field for only 1 million a year, but have yet to hear back.

Other than his steadfast refusal to win more than 7 games, there are some other important facts you need to know about Steve.

Mustache Regression

Steve formerly rocked a righteous ‘stache, but his “old bullet proof” mustache of past seasons has been replaced by a mangy “dirt squirrel”.

Before

After

Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

I’m not sure when Steve decided to take the #1 clippers to an otherwise robust mustache, but it’s just one of several bad decisions he’s made during his tenure as head coach. If you’re going to grow a mustache, you’ve got to grow a man mustache and not the prepubescent nightmare that currently resides under his nose.

Elite Self Awareness

You can knock Steve’s inability to win football games, but you can’t help but appreciate the most self aware coach in college football. The man knows he’s built a program that would struggle to finish 3rd in the SEC East, and he’s not afraid to tell people.

When asked about playing Clemson this week, Addazio said, “They’re going to beat us within an inch of our football lives. I’ve got a better chance of winning 8 games than we have of beating Clemson on Saturday. The fact is, we’re not good....in fact, we’re bad...terrible...pathetic... I’ve somehow managed to recruit the slowest roster in the history of power 5 football. Seriously, Kansas ran circles around us. Think about that for a second...Kansas’s football team smoked us at home. Thank God only 12 people saw it, because my job could be in serious jeopardy if the AD found out we lost to Kansas. Anyways, yeah, we’re going to lose.”*

*Steve Addazio didn’t actually say this, but he has been sand-bagging all week trying to ensure that he only has to coach against the starters for 2 quarters.

You Know What, Enough

I’ve had a long week, and hating on a helpless program like Boston College isn’t doing it for me. Let’s talk a little college football, shall we?

The Clemson disrespect is at an all time high, and I’m tired of my team being slandered in the media and by opposing fans on a daily basis. I’ve got some grievances that need airing.

AP Voters

The paper pushing jock sniffers are on my last nerve. This must be the most inconsistent, Bama underoos wearing, soon to be replaced by bloggers, group of spineless journalists I’ve encountered. Clemson at #4 and Bama at #1 is pure comedy. I watched the Bama vs UT game, and the Tide struggled to finish off the least disciplined, worst coached outfit in college sports. Every time I see Jeremy Pruitt speak, I spend my time searching for the lobotomy scars, but Bama needed the help from the SEC home office to hold off a team that lost to Georgia State.

You don’t think Clemson is #1, fine I guess, just more fuel for the fire, but if you’re going to put Clemson at #4 because of a weak schedule, and a hiccup against UNC, you better put Bama at #5, because this year’s version of the Crimson Tide is a shell of Bama teams from the past. Their defense can’t stop giving up points, their running game is anemic, and yet, here they are ranked #1 because AP voters lack the courage of their convictions and are more than happy to punish Clemson for dominating 6/7 games, while rewarding Bama for doing the same. If you give up 31 points to Ole Miss, you’re not the best team in the nation.

That should be a rule.

Big Ten Fans

I was going to limit this to an Ohio State University, but then Michigan fans had to run their mouths on twitter about XT, so they get to join the team they can’t beat.

Every night I go to bed and say a little prayer that Clemson gets to play Ohio State in the first round of the CFP, because the Buckeyes need to be reminded of their place in the current college football landscape. You’d think retiring their “legendary” head coach, turning their star quarterback into a wide receiver, and shutting them out in the CFP would be enough to keep their “O”s shut, but no, it appears they need yet another beating. Ohio State is the best in the nation at covering things up, but they’re not going to be able to sweep another blowout loss to Clemson under the rug with the rest of the skeletons.

Oh, and Michigan fans, this isn’t the 90’s. Lloyd Carr ain’t walking through that door. You’re stuck watching Captain Khaki and his 12-year-old offensive coordinator choking until further notice. Of all the fan bases that need to keep their mouth’s shut and their heads low, Michigan ranks just below South Carolina. Jim Harbaugh should wear a ski mask when he cashes his checks, because he’s robbing y’all.

You’re paying him how much now?

For these results?

Pathetic.

Ask your big brother Ohio State what happens when you step up to the Tigers.

Oklahoma

Look Sooner fans, if I want a history lesson, I’ll listen to a podcast. I don’t care what you did in the 70’s and 80’s. It’s totally irrelevant to what’s going in 2019. Tell you what, I’ve got gray hair in my beard and my knee hurts when it rains, so let’s just count my lifetime. It appears that Clemson is up 3-2 in National Championships, and yet, you consider yourselves blue bloods. The only blue blood coursing through your veins comes for the vertical family trees that make up the majority of your BMI challenged fan base.

Instead of talking trash about Clemson, why don’t you worry about taking the elastic out of your sweatpants, because it’s cutting off the flow of blood to your brains. I would say you could ask Baker Mayfield and Joe Mixon what happened the last time y’all thought you were better than Clemson, but I’m pretty sure neither of them can remember that game. If it’s not Ohio State, then please let it be Oklahoma, in the semi-finals, because I know we’ll never get the opportunity to play you for a Championship. Since you like history so much, here’s some modern history.

Oklahoma is 0-2 in the CFP, and has one bowl win in their last 5 attempts.

In Conclusion

Boston College is light work. They don’t care enough for me to care about them. I hope Clemson finally decides to truly dismantle a team for the first time this year, because Addazio needs to go if the ACC has any aspirations of having a decent team in Boston. The question isn’t if Clemson will win, but if Clemson will finally hang 70 on a team.

As for the rest of you. Be careful what you wish for because you just might end up having to play Clemson when it matters, and that doesn’t work out well for most teams.

See y’all next week.