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Hurricane Hate

I’ve got beef with Mother Nature

Carolinas Prepare As Hurricane Florence Approaches Photo by NOAA via Getty Images

Disclaimer: Consider this gallows humor. I’m not trying to minimize the devastation of the hurricane, but it’s on the way. I was just outside Houston when Harvey hit two years ago. If you’re reading this and haven’t evacuated, trust me when I say that you don’t want to be the guy on the roof waiting for the National Guard, and if you stay, you’re going to be that guy. Grab what’s important and get out.

Hurricane Names

I know this gets mentioned all the time, but we’ve got to do something about this hurricane naming system. Right now “Hurricane Florence” is about to bring untold destruction to the coast but it sounds like your great aunt who has a room dedicated to beanie babies and smells faintly of cat urine is stopping by for the weekend.

I propose we start naming all Atlantic hurricanes after Clemson defenders to better get the point across. While “Florence” doesn’t illicit fear, “Hurricane Dexter Lawrence is about to sack the coast” would make me pack up and head to higher ground immediately.

Seriously, if their is one thing Southerners respect, it’s college football. Instead of showing all these computer animated graphics and charts, just put Tre Lamar’s hit on James Blackmon last year on loop, with “the hurricane is about to hit the coast like Tre Lamar hit James Blackmon” scrolling along the bottom of the clip.

We can also use my naming system to assign hurricane intensity to storms for easier southern consumption. While I have no idea what “Cat 4” means in real terms, if you told me a hurricane with Clelin Ferrell intensity was heading my direction, I would immediately know what was heading my way.

Since hurricanes effect both South Carolina and Clemson fans, I wouldn’t mind letting the Gamecocks get in on this action as well.

“What started as a Dexter Lawrence in the Atlantic has been downgraded to a Jake Bentley after collapsing under high pressure. The Bentley is expected to come up short of it’s intended target.”

Miami Hurricanes

The Miami Hurricanes further dilute the fear that should be associated with a hurricane. The “Hurricanes” were once associated with heavy hitters like Cortez Kennedy, Russell Maryland, Jessie Armstead, Michael Barrow, Warren Sapp, Sean Taylor, Ray Lewis, and Ed Reed. You wanted to avoid those guys at all cost. You see a storm you associate with Sean Taylor headed in your direction, you get out as fast as you can.

Now “Hurricane” is associated with a turnover chain, getting embarrassed in nationally televised games and failing to live up to expectations.

If Miami is going to continue to represent a cataclysmic storm, they’re going to have to figure out a way to not embarrass themselves on the football field, and since that’s not going to happen, I thought I would offer a few new suggestions for the University of Miami that may fit better with their current culture:

  • Miami Spray Tans
  • Miami Trust Funds
  • Miami Bros
  • Miami Disappointments

Noon Games

The small corner of my brain that loves a good conspiracy theory wants to believe that this “hurricane” is just an elaborate ruse to get another noon game on the Clemson schedule. This idea was further cemented in my head when Clemson, did indeed, move the Georgia Southern game to noon.

In my personal opinion, the noon time slot should be reserved to teams I don’t follow. A nooner East Coast time is an 11 am game in Central time, and I have a hard time getting the juices flowing before noon. My brain is hardwired to associate morning drinking with noon naps. If I start drinking at breakfast, I’m generally unconscious by 1 and it’s going to be at least a 2 hour nap. I dropped out in the 4th quarter of the Furman game and almost missed the entire next t.v. time slot. Subsequently, I had to restart my drinking for the day, and the older I get, the harder that becomes. Once I start drinking, I need to keep a nice steady pace until I decide to stop for the day. Gone are my days of binge drinking and miraculous late afternoon recoveries.

Oh Yea, Georgia Southern

I have it on good authority that Georgia Southern has been going over the Clemson vs A&M game tape from last weekend and think they’ve found a few weak spots in the Clemson defense.

The offensive line, in particular, has shifted it’s focus from run blocking to head locking. If the Tiger’s defensive line has an Achilles heal, it’s the inability to escape from choke holds. TAMU utilized this strategy to perfection last week and Georgia Southern will look to do the same, as they’ve drawn a favorable ACC officiating match up.

The Eagles have also added a new wrinkle to the offensive game plan where they intentionally throw the ball of Clemson defenders in order to complete passes, because A&M really gashed Clemson with that particular strategy last Saturday night. Drop back, aim for defensive tackles hands, and let good things happen. It turns out blind luck is one of the more effective ways to attack an otherwise dominant Clemson defense.

In Conclusion

This was another hard one to write as my home state battens down the hatches and abandons the coast. Seriously guys, if you’re on the coast and are planning to hunker down and ride this thing out, please, please, please reconsider. Nothing you own is worth trouble.

If that’s not enough to convince you, consider the fact that if you stay, you’re probably S.O.L. when it comes to T.V. and internet on Saturday morning, and you’re going to miss our freshman performing incredible feats of athleticism.