I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t going to write a hate article this week. I had a few different ideas, but I’ve had a true M’Fer of a week. I had to put my 17 year old dog down on Tuesday, and I pretty much want to sit in my dark basement,drink all the booze, and listen to The Smiths, and I don’t even like The Smiths. On a global scale, my problem isn’t even a blip on the radar, but on a personal level, I’m devastated. I mean, in retrospect, I’ve lived an incredibly blessed life, because that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
That said, my dog, Janis, was a true Clemson lady, and a proud and vociferous hater. She loved who she loved and hated the rest. In her memory, I’m going to try and throw a little warm up hate out today. I need to get the juices flowing for the epic hating that’s about to go down next week.
I’ve tried all summer, and I just can’t come up with any good Furman hate. I couldn’t even muster enough feelings to capitalize or bold their name. Granted, most Furman grads are just Gamecock fans who had enough money to avoid living in Columbia (1 STS buck to Matt Goldin for that line), but still, it’s hard to hate them.
Hating Furman is like hating someone’s little brother, and honestly, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. So Furman, I’m sorry, but you’re just not important enough to earn my hate, but now that I think about it, that may be one of the more hateful things I’ve said over the years. So there you go.
Now, let’s spread a little hate to all the power 5 conferences.
Big 10 (minus Purdue of course)
It’s been a pretty quiet off season for the Big10 as far as nuclear explosions go. I’m not sure what it is about the Big10 that brings out the absolute worst in humanity, and I’m not sure I want to know.
The Big10 is a bloated, shambling corpse of filth and disease. The thing is, if you’re going to represent the absolute worst in sports and humanity in general, you should at least be good. The best thing you can say about the Big10 is that a few of their teams were relevant at one point. If you added up the results of the last three college football playoffs, the Big10 has given up 69 points and scored 0.
Imagine pretending you’re relevant in the college football landscape when you haven’t scored a point in the playoffs in 3 years. You know, now that I think about it, Notre Dame is a natural fit for the Big10, both geographically and culturally. They are located in middle of nowhere and cling desperately to past glory in lieu of current glory. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and put Tennessee in the Big10 as well, they seem to fit the profile nicely.
The Pac-12 has spent the entire off-season getting a seaweed wrap and doing a juice cleanse, and I can’t deny it, their skin looks fabulous.
I actually got into a little twitter spat with some Washington fan who was so upset that Joseph N’gata chose Clemson over UW that he spilled his decaff soy latte all over the keyboard and posted several emotional Drake quotes on his insta.
I’ve never been so confused in my life.
Granted, Washington has scored 7 more points than the Big10 in the CFP over the last 3 seasons, but I actually felt a little guilty in going after the poor guy. Can you imagine going through life as a Washington football fan? Even when they’re good (in relative terms) no one in their own conference cares about them. Ask someone to list off PAC-12 teams and see how long they take to get to Washington. I guarantee they won’t even make the upper tier in years they actually win the Pac-12.
Another Pac-12 team I’m interested in this year is U.C.L.A. Chip Kelly has gone full Spurrier. He left the college football world on top, failed miserably in the NFL, and then limped back to the conference he just left. Chip Kelly is the guy that sets out to “make it in New York” and ends up living in his grandma’s basement in rural Nebraska 6 months later.
Big-12 (minus K-State of course)
Let’s start out with the obvious, the Big-12 is neither big nor twelve. In fact, let’s go ahead and rename the Big-12 “Texas/Oklahoma and some other teams” (I’m a big fan of truth in advertising). The Big-12 is the only Power 5 conference without a CFP win. Oklahoma likes to consider themselves a “blue blood” but just can’t get the job done when the chips are down.
The Big-12 is also the least road trip worthy conference in the nation, and it’s not even close. Here’s how I see Big-12 road trips.
- Austin - Nice
- Ft. Worth - Not a college town, but not plenty of stuff to do
- Manhattan - Not bad, but maybe not a repeat trip
- Lawrence - Cool town but God awful football
- Norman - Regular trash because at least the team is interesting
- Stillwater - The Trash right before garbage day
- Ames - The most boring trash imaginable
- Morgan Town - The liquid that leaks out of the trash
- Lubbuck - Dumpster at the fish processing plant in July
- Waco - Trash fire comprised of dirty diapers, poison oak, and medical waste
Do you know the term “blue bloods” come from the Spanish term Sangre Azul? The Sangre Azul were the Spanish elite. They were called “blue bloods” because they never went outside, and as a result their skin was so pale you could see through it.
One of the main characteristics of the Sangre Azul (and later the British Monarchy, who are most associated with the term) is a refusal to “taint” their bloodline with “inferior” genetics. This led to a bunch of brothers, sisters and first cousins getting busy in order to protect “purity” of the blood line. Turns out, incest isn’t the best idea for a blood line or a college football conference. I do, however, commend the Blue Blood conference for staying true to their cultural roots.
Let’s check out the “Blue Bloods” of the SEC and their dedication to incestuous brand:
Actual SEC “blue bloods”
Alabama: Nick Saban - Former LSU head coach
LSU: Ed Orgeron - Former Ole’ Miss H.C. - Former Tennessee and LSU assistant
Auburn: Gus Malzahn - Former Arkansas O.C. - Former Auburn O.C.
Georgia: Kirby Smart - Former Alabama D.C.
Fallen SEC “blue bloods”:
Tennessee: Jeremy Pruitt: Former Alabama D.C. - Former Georgia D.C.
Florida: Dan Mullen: Former Mississippi State head coach - Former Florida O.C
New Money, McMansion “blue blood”:
Texas A&M: Jimbo Fisher - Former LSU O.C.
Trailer Park “blue bloods”:
South Carolina: Will Muschamp - Former Florida head coach - Former Auburn D.C.
Missouri: Barry Odom - Former Missouri player and D.C.
Ole’ Miss: Matt Luke - Former Ole’ Miss player and O.C. - Former Tennessee assistant
ACC (minus Clemson of course)
What can you say about the ACC? Outside of Clemson, they are a conference fully dedicated to gridiron mediocrity. Seriously, if you can consistently make it to 8 wins at the vast majority of ACC teams, you’re in line for a huge contract extension and possibly a spot in the ring of honor.
NC State just gave Dave Doeren a contract extension because he managed to lead the best talent in NC State history to a win over Arizona State in the Sun Bowl.
Florida State was formerly an elite team, but they just let Texas A&M buy their coach out from under them.
Virginia Tech hasn’t met a big game they can’t lose.
Miami has potential, but in true Mark Richt fashion, his team fell apart down the stretch last year, losing their final 3 games after starting the season 10-0. That’s the most on brand Mark Richt season I’ve ever seen. The man lives for building expectations and then crushing them.
Louisville parlayed the return of the Heisman trophy winner into an 8-4 season (4-4) in the ACC.
I don’t have the attention span to name off the rest of the pretenders in the ACC because they are so completely mediocre that I quickly lose interest. I forget that most of them are even in the ACC until they show up on Clemson’s schedule.
Like most season openers, this isn’t my best work, but I needed to work out the kinks and get ready for the first big game. Consider this my Furman. See y’all next week.