July is a difficult month for sports fans; everything is in its off-season except for baseball and (fortunately this year) the World Cup. The memes from the latter have been otherworldly and the smack talk global, but it’s rung hollow for Americans without a second nation for which to cheer. This summer has been far too...tame. I miss the sort of domestic in-fighting inherent in Southern college football; I miss the heat online matching or even surpassing the heat outside; I miss seeing angry, middle-aged, fake-macho Southern Twitter users run screaming headfirst into the STS Twitter mentions, only to get publicly owned so hard Karl Marx would blush.
So, I used dark web techniques known as “Search Twitter” and “View Comments” to find the most inflammatory and/or dumb hot takes from Clemson’s 2018 opponents’ fans, and hopefully goad them into altercations. Some, as you might have guessed, were far easier than others:
Having a losing record is tough, but I know that if a dna test was done, you’d find SC is still your father!— GTR (@GTRivalry) July 3, 2018
This, my fine folks, is a wonderful example of a growing phenomenon called a “self-own.” A self-own is when an overconfident opinion-haver victimizes himself through an attempted joke which backfires — usually and most deliciously without the victim’s awareness — thus unwittingly revealing something embarrassing or incriminating about oneself. In this case, the attempted comedic technique reveals GTR to be either a Fortnite-playing 11 year old who only knows “your mom” jokes, or more likely, the aforementioned stereotypical wannabe macho internetsman, who conflates “dad jokes” with “I’m your daddy jokes.” Either way, this individual is surely impotent.
Welcome to peak offseason. Much like the heat, if there are fireworks outside this week there should be fireworks online.
General Disclaimer: I do not want to use this platform to create a bully pulpit or ridicule fans who use their actual names online, so users with pseudonyms were chosen over actual humans. In some cases, however, a poor soul delivered a take which I could not ignore. If you feel moved to pile onto an embedded tweet from a nonsensical anonymous account, be my guest and make it known in the comments.
Finding takes from the Paladins, naturally, proved imposible. Finding takes on the Paladins, a bit easier:
@ClemsonFB The fact you made Kelly Bryant starting QB has doomed Clemson. Look at the depth chart. He sucks. Clemson mine as well take a loss to Furman.— Skunkbunker1253 (@grejon6) June 29, 2018
I’m ashamed to admit that Mr. Skunkbunker1253 was revealed to be a Clemson fan after some research, but I happen to be a huge fan of self-deprecation in my humor and I find it appropriate to have a humbling, reflective start. Unsurprisingly, he only tweets about the Tigers following a loss or when he has something particularly negative to unleash. Mr. Skunkbunker1253 undoubtedly knows more than the staff and we should hire him to coach offensive line after he singlehandedly forces Robbie Caldwell to retire.
You may have seen a certain A&M player take a shot at a certain beloved defensive coordinator recently. You may also think it influenced this column and that this tweet would feature here. See disclaimer above; I will not pile on a teenager, much less an unpaid college athlete, when the internet at large has already, umm, taken care of it. I’m here to poke fun at faceless fans. Besides, I wanted to dig deeper.
Picking a fight with A&M proved far more difficult than I expected, since most of their fans seem relatively grounded in the belief they have little chance against Clemson. So I ventured over to Texags dot com.
@mspears96 get your man @finebaum off the air lol. Already writing off a&m against Clemson. We have the talent & now we have the coach that can get it done. And it’s at Kyle field 103k fans 12th man will make a difference in that game. Don’t count us out.— the big dog (@tanner_beattie1) June 29, 2018
Bless your heart for putting any faith in Jimbo Fisher; completely ignoring the notion your QB won’t know which way is up in Fisher’s offense by week 2, Fisher’s glacial pace plays right into Brent Venables’ hands. And sure, let’s keep thinking Clemson has never played in a meaningful game in a big, loud stadium.
Ah, the old ACC vs SEC debate. We know it well and we know we’ve won when any SEC fan forgoes debating the teams in question in favor of conferences. If A&M were in the SEC East this would be another brutal self-own.
NOW HOLD ON. I LIVED IN SOUTHEAST TEXAS FOR FOUR YEARS GROWING UP PLUS HAVE A TON OF FAMILY IN THE AREA PLUS I FOLLOW @CUPPYCUP ON TWITTER SO I’VE ALWAYS LIKED A&M. BUT NOW AGGY HAS DRAWN THE ABSOLUTE IRE OF EVERY CLEMSON FAN ON THIS EARTH ESPECIALLY THOSE AT THIS WELL KNOWN VENABLES DISCIPLESHIP BLOG.
Searching for upstart Georgia Southern fans got old very quickly but fear not, for many Georgia Southern fans also happen to be UGA fans...
UGA COMING TO DEATH VALLEY..THE REAL DEATH VALLEY NOT THAT OFF BRAND SAV-A-LOT SHIT Y'ALL PLAY CLEMSON AT— MLK (@MLKPICKS) July 5, 2018
Oh look, Death Valley slander. Must’ve forgotten the L they took the last time they paid a visit in 2013. I don’t even know what Sav-A-Lot is. Blame us millenials for killing off another off brand.
The real estate salesman at Clemson should pour himself a tall one tonight and sit back and reflect on how much success he’s enjoyed in the past from raiding Peach State players, because that time has ended. I hope he had a big time!— Bobby Cox (@BobbyCoxSD) February 8, 2018
I would say we found the UGA bagman folks, but there’s no way anyone named Bobby Cox can fly under the radar in the state of Georgia.
Though their fan base is minuscule and mostly apathetic, Tech is actually usually over-represented online, because they are nerds. Well, sadly it seems Venables has taken quite a toll on the Yellow Jacket psyche, and I did not find a single tweet or recent comment on THE ENTIRE INTERNET where a Tech fan felt confident in their chances against Clemson. So much for rivalry.
Clemson fans are very upset any time a pass goes incomplete and pass interference isn't called.— From the Rumble Seat (@FTRSBlog) October 29, 2017
The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, renowned experts on the forward pass!
Clemson wins the doubles point, still is a redneck school. https://t.co/8lID2Jq1n1— Paul Johnson (@NotCoachJohnson) February 16, 2018
This dude is LIVE TWEETING TENNIS FOR GOD’S SAKE and chimes in with their Clemson folk song lyric. What have Tech fans become? Look how far they made me reach! They used to provide decent banter and would genuinely sting us in the most unbelievable ways. Have they finally soured on the sourpuss Paul Johnson? Is it realism with Venables on our sideline? Or something far more sinister...
I’ve made a huge mistake.
Transitive property: Clemson is cancer? https://t.co/QgigkckMaY— NunesMagician.com (@NunesMagician) June 15, 2018
Clemson football rhymes with oh you mean that team Syracuse beat this year.— BattleIsBack (@DrunkCuseFan) January 2, 2018
Ok ya know what, we fight them enough year-round so I don’t even need to instigate here. NOTHING TO SEE HERE AFTER ALL.
Someone tell me when the Wake fan finds this so I can edit in his tweet here.
The saltiest of our ACC rivals lately, NC State should drop the pretense that their mascot is a wolf because they are far more Wile E Coyote if you look a little closer, which our very own STS resident Alston Meadows was perfectly happy to do:
It's official: for the 26th consecutive year, NC State has failed to win so much as a share of a division title, regular season ACC title, or ACC tournament title in football, men's & women's basketball, and baseball. One of the most amazing streaks in college sports.— Alston Meadows (@damedsz) May 26, 2018
Look, we know how it feels to be the punchline in an undue joke, but this reputation is totally and completely earned.
NC State almost beat Clemson the last 2 yrs,. and with recruiting classes that were far below Clemson's. Now w/ NC State bringing in classes ranked ~20-25th best in the nation, that talent glap will be narrowing to close to even, and they will be beating Clemson in near future.— Destiny Reawakened (@WhiteWolf__2017) July 1, 2018
I can’t get over how much this sounds like a South Carolina fan. He even mentions a narrowing talent gap! Mr. Destiny Reawakened clearly fell back to sleep because this dream is even more farfetched than what we hear coming out of Columbia. This gap isn’t actually closing at all.
How to make Clemson Cookies:— WesÑCSU (@WesNCSU) January 8, 2018
1. Put in sugar bowl.
2. Beat for 3.5 hours.
Amazing, it took Mr. WesNCSU 6 whole days after the Sugar Bowl to come up with one scorching hot take. So hot that he probably burned his cookies. Then again he’s burned them 14 of the past 15 years.
#FSUTwitter isn’t the Worst Place On The Internet anymore, but it’s still full of extremely confrontational and ridiculous takes; the main difference from the Jameis Winston era being they bring up the past more than the present:
Amazing having a perspective of like 5 minutes and thinking Clemson all that. I was in the stands watching FSU beat Clemson 57-0 in the early 90’s. FSU been there for 30 years running, let’s see what kind staying power you got.— Marty Funkhauser (@MattWaters4) June 25, 2018
Last time I saw anyone with his head stuck so deeply in the sand, it was an ostrich at Riverbanks Zoo when I was like 13 years old. The memory stayed with me because I thought to myself, “look at the staying power of this lad. Absolute unit.” Perhaps Mr. Funkhauser has had his head in the sand during Clemson’s 3 consecutive playoff runs, which when you consider college football’s complete roster turnover every 4 years, is rather remarkable staying power.
We gonna shock the nation next year for sure, everybody just thinks that we about to take a gator dive in the toilet because of one bad season where we still ended up with a winning record. Our roster is still stronge, faster, and bigger than most— Justin Dixon (@ItsJustJustin03) January 2, 2018
Rationalizing your football takes with Daft Punk lyrics? I think I just doxxed the FSU glitter fans.
With our first three meetings providing all sorts of angst, Clemson vs Louisville became one of the hottest new rivalries on the internet. After last year’s beating and Lamar Jackson’s departure, it lost its fire. I’m afraid nothing will bring it back except a Louisville win or another close/controversial Clemson win.
"Beats Clemson in football"— Mike Rutherford (@CardChronicle) September 26, 2017
RIP Clemson-Louisville rivalry, 2014-2017. You will be missed until you beat us, then we’ll miss how tame it is now when we always beat you.
I had a dream all the Louisville fans showed up wearing the jacket Lamar wore at the Heisman ceremony and all the Clemson people imploded...— Boxcar Michael (@boxcar_michael) September 12, 2017
Now their only strong takes reference Jackson beating Deshaun Watson for the Heisman in 2016, as if we’re upset about anything from a national championship year.
Men's soccer team beat Clemson last night. Just tweeting facts here.— Mike Rutherford (@CardChronicle) October 28, 2017
MIKE DON’T DO US LIKE THIS.
I’m actually pretty high on BC this year (I like them to finish ahead of both NC State and Louisville in the ACC standings) but I did not expect this:
WAY too many Clemson fans underestimating #WeAreBC this coming season.— BCdee (@BCdee97) June 25, 2018
They think we are a cake walk....
Do I have news for them....
Coming November 2018.....
A beat down in Alumni Stadium...#SOAR! #BCFootball #JustWin ⭐️#DecideToFly #GoEagles pic.twitter.com/RHKDI0aN4t
Seriously, have any of you heard such a take from BC in the last decade? I have not. I’m more bemused than anything. This is when a younger brother or cousin reaches adolescence and decides to challenge you in any physical contest; you’re half proud and half amused. He’s tougher than he was only a year ago, but needs to be humbled.
I had to Google Alumni Stadium because I had no idea it was the name of their stadium. I always considered it a nameless, amorphous blob somewhere in the fringes of a Boston suburb, visible only by satellite when their students wear the bandanas. This was necessary research regardless, since I plan on being there for our cake walk/beat down.
Football smack isn’t a thing at Duke; in fact I wonder how many Duke fans are even aware they pay a visit to Death Valley this November, since it’s the beginning of basketball season and their collective attention will turn to shootyhoops. So for maximum effect I’m rolling with my own Grayson Allen hate.
First: The 2017 national championship game thread! Bask in the beautiful irony of being told to stay off a Gamecock website, when said website devoted an entire thread to a Clemson game which didn’t involve South Carolina at all. Plus, it tickles me to death when this link gets more daily hits than their entire site.
Here’s where we find the Nuclear Reactor for Bad Clemson Takes, and there are far too many takes from which to choose. It seems no matter how much success Clemson enjoys, the Gamecocks are either 1) maniacally downplaying it or 2) convinced so deeply of their upward trajectory that Clemson will cower in fear and bow out. Reminder: WILL MUSCHAMP IS YOUR COACH. I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN THAT I’M SORRY.
Gamecock football predictions— (@evett_andrew) June 26, 2018
Ole Miss- L
This can’t be right, he projects wins over Clemson AND Kentucky.
Really want to get under a Clemson fan's skin?— Beat Clemson (@BeatClem) January 2, 2018
1- Celebrate their loss to Alabama.
2- Tell them they had a weak schedule and that the ACC sucks.
3- Tell them the SEC is superior conference evidenced by the all SEC national championship game.
4- Sit back and enjoy.
- There’s no shame in losing a playoff game and I personally find it adorable you so desperately need Clemson to lose, as if it offers some sort of validation.
- YOU PLAY IN THE SEC EAST LMAO.
- At the risk of being redundant, you contribute absolutely nothing to this. See above.
- We good.
Gotta beat kentucky first. I'm sick and tired of losing to them and clemson. I think we'll win 10 games this year at least— Dr. Taco Nacho, MD (@DrTacoNachoMD) June 29, 2018
My good Dr. Taco Nacho, if you’re still sick from losing to both Kentucky and Clemson 4 years in a row, you either have a horrible immune system which can’t build antibodies, or you are in fact not a very good doctor. Your medical talents notwithstanding, this seems to be a terminal illness with no prognosis for recovery.
The Gamecock has landed! What an immense PLEASURE it is to be in Gods Country, Columbia, Sc!!! Having dinner with my GREAT friend @CoachWMuschamp to discuss Winning BIG! @GamecockFB ratings will continue to CLIMB! Puny dabo and cLemson should be worried! #Spursup #gogamecocks— USC Gamecocks Trump (@TrumpUSC) June 26, 2018
I have now seen the apocalypse and I want to die before anything resembling this occurs.