Let’s Fight Every Opposing Fan Base At Once

July is a difficult month for sports fans; everything is in its off-season except for baseball and (fortunately this year) the World Cup. The memes from the latter have been otherworldly and the smack talk global, but it’s rung hollow for Americans without a second nation for which to cheer. This summer has been far too...tame. I miss the sort of domestic in-fighting inherent in Southern college football; I miss the heat online matching or even surpassing the heat outside; I miss seeing angry, middle-aged, fake-macho Southern Twitter users run screaming headfirst into the STS Twitter mentions, only to get publicly owned so hard Karl Marx would blush.

So, I used dark web techniques known as “Search Twitter” and “View Comments” to find the most inflammatory and/or dumb hot takes from Clemson’s 2018 opponents’ fans, and hopefully goad them into altercations. Some, as you might have guessed, were far easier than others:

This, my fine folks, is a wonderful example of a growing phenomenon called a “self-own.” A self-own is when an overconfident opinion-haver victimizes himself through an attempted joke which backfires — usually and most deliciously without the victim’s awareness — thus unwittingly revealing something embarrassing or incriminating about oneself. In this case, the attempted comedic technique reveals GTR to be either a Fortnite-playing 11 year old who only knows “your mom” jokes, or more likely, the aforementioned stereotypical wannabe macho internetsman, who conflates “dad jokes” with “I’m your daddy jokes.” Either way, this individual is surely impotent.

Welcome to peak offseason. Much like the heat, if there are fireworks outside this week there should be fireworks online.

General Disclaimer: I do not want to use this platform to create a bully pulpit or ridicule fans who use their actual names online, so users with pseudonyms were chosen over actual humans. In some cases, however, a poor soul delivered a take which I could not ignore. If you feel moved to pile onto an embedded tweet from a nonsensical anonymous account, be my guest and make it known in the comments.

Furman

Finding takes from the Paladins, naturally, proved imposible. Finding takes on the Paladins, a bit easier:

I’m ashamed to admit that Mr. Skunkbunker1253 was revealed to be a Clemson fan after some research, but I happen to be a huge fan of self-deprecation in my humor and I find it appropriate to have a humbling, reflective start. Unsurprisingly, he only tweets about the Tigers following a loss or when he has something particularly negative to unleash. Mr. Skunkbunker1253 undoubtedly knows more than the staff and we should hire him to coach offensive line after he singlehandedly forces Robbie Caldwell to retire.

Texas A&M

You may have seen a certain A&M player take a shot at a certain beloved defensive coordinator recently. You may also think it influenced this column and that this tweet would feature here. See disclaimer above; I will not pile on a teenager, much less an unpaid college athlete, when the internet at large has already, umm, taken care of it. I’m here to poke fun at faceless fans. Besides, I wanted to dig deeper.

Picking a fight with A&M proved far more difficult than I expected, since most of their fans seem relatively grounded in the belief they have little chance against Clemson. So I ventured over to Texags dot com.

Bless your heart for putting any faith in Jimbo Fisher; completely ignoring the notion your QB won’t know which way is up in Fisher’s offense by week 2, Fisher’s glacial pace plays right into Brent Venables’ hands. And sure, let’s keep thinking Clemson has never played in a meaningful game in a big, loud stadium.

Ah, the old ACC vs SEC debate. We know it well and we know we’ve won when any SEC fan forgoes debating the teams in question in favor of conferences. If A&M were in the SEC East this would be another brutal self-own.

NOW HOLD ON. I LIVED IN SOUTHEAST TEXAS FOR FOUR YEARS GROWING UP PLUS HAVE A TON OF FAMILY IN THE AREA PLUS I FOLLOW @CUPPYCUP ON TWITTER SO I’VE ALWAYS LIKED A&M. BUT NOW AGGY HAS DRAWN THE ABSOLUTE IRE OF EVERY CLEMSON FAN ON THIS EARTH ESPECIALLY THOSE AT THIS WELL KNOWN VENABLES DISCIPLESHIP BLOG.

Georgia Southern

Searching for upstart Georgia Southern fans got old very quickly but fear not, for many Georgia Southern fans also happen to be UGA fans...

Oh look, Death Valley slander. Must’ve forgotten the L they took the last time they paid a visit in 2013. I don’t even know what Sav-A-Lot is. Blame us millenials for killing off another off brand.

I would say we found the UGA bagman folks, but there’s no way anyone named Bobby Cox can fly under the radar in the state of Georgia.

Georgia Tech

Though their fan base is minuscule and mostly apathetic, Tech is actually usually over-represented online, because they are nerds. Well, sadly it seems Venables has taken quite a toll on the Yellow Jacket psyche, and I did not find a single tweet or recent comment on THE ENTIRE INTERNET where a Tech fan felt confident in their chances against Clemson. So much for rivalry.

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, renowned experts on the forward pass!

This dude is LIVE TWEETING TENNIS FOR GOD’S SAKE and chimes in with their Clemson folk song lyric. What have Tech fans become? Look how far they made me reach! They used to provide decent banter and would genuinely sting us in the most unbelievable ways. Have they finally soured on the sourpuss Paul Johnson? Is it realism with Venables on our sideline? Or something far more sinister...

Priorities?

Syracuse

I’ve made a huge mistake.

Oh no.

Ok ya know what, we fight them enough year-round so I don’t even need to instigate here. NOTHING TO SEE HERE AFTER ALL.

Wake Forest

Someone tell me when the Wake fan finds this so I can edit in his tweet here.

NC State

The saltiest of our ACC rivals lately, NC State should drop the pretense that their mascot is a wolf because they are far more Wile E Coyote if you look a little closer, which our very own STS resident Alston Meadows was perfectly happy to do:

Look, we know how it feels to be the punchline in an undue joke, but this reputation is totally and completely earned.

I can’t get over how much this sounds like a South Carolina fan. He even mentions a narrowing talent gap! Mr. Destiny Reawakened clearly fell back to sleep because this dream is even more farfetched than what we hear coming out of Columbia. This gap isn’t actually closing at all.

Amazing, it took Mr. WesNCSU 6 whole days after the Sugar Bowl to come up with one scorching hot take. So hot that he probably burned his cookies. Then again he’s burned them 14 of the past 15 years.

FSU

#FSUTwitter isn’t the Worst Place On The Internet anymore, but it’s still full of extremely confrontational and ridiculous takes; the main difference from the Jameis Winston era being they bring up the past more than the present:

Last time I saw anyone with his head stuck so deeply in the sand, it was an ostrich at Riverbanks Zoo when I was like 13 years old. The memory stayed with me because I thought to myself, “look at the staying power of this lad. Absolute unit.” Perhaps Mr. Funkhauser has had his head in the sand during Clemson’s 3 consecutive playoff runs, which when you consider college football’s complete roster turnover every 4 years, is rather remarkable staying power.

Rationalizing your football takes with Daft Punk lyrics? I think I just doxxed the FSU glitter fans.

Louisville

With our first three meetings providing all sorts of angst, Clemson vs Louisville became one of the hottest new rivalries on the internet. After last year’s beating and Lamar Jackson’s departure, it lost its fire. I’m afraid nothing will bring it back except a Louisville win or another close/controversial Clemson win.

RIP Clemson-Louisville rivalry, 2014-2017. You will be missed until you beat us, then we’ll miss how tame it is now when we always beat you.

Now their only strong takes reference Jackson beating Deshaun Watson for the Heisman in 2016, as if we’re upset about anything from a national championship year.

MIKE DON’T DO US LIKE THIS.

Boston College

I’m actually pretty high on BC this year (I like them to finish ahead of both NC State and Louisville in the ACC standings) but I did not expect this:

Seriously, have any of you heard such a take from BC in the last decade? I have not. I’m more bemused than anything. This is when a younger brother or cousin reaches adolescence and decides to challenge you in any physical contest; you’re half proud and half amused. He’s tougher than he was only a year ago, but needs to be humbled.

I had to Google Alumni Stadium because I had no idea it was the name of their stadium. I always considered it a nameless, amorphous blob somewhere in the fringes of a Boston suburb, visible only by satellite when their students wear the bandanas. This was necessary research regardless, since I plan on being there for our cake walk/beat down.

Duke

Football smack isn’t a thing at Duke; in fact I wonder how many Duke fans are even aware they pay a visit to Death Valley this November, since it’s the beginning of basketball season and their collective attention will turn to shootyhoops. So for maximum effect I’m rolling with my own Grayson Allen hate.

Getty Images

South Carolina

First: The 2017 national championship game thread! Bask in the beautiful irony of being told to stay off a Gamecock website, when said website devoted an entire thread to a Clemson game which didn’t involve South Carolina at all. Plus, it tickles me to death when this link gets more daily hits than their entire site.

Here’s where we find the Nuclear Reactor for Bad Clemson Takes, and there are far too many takes from which to choose. It seems no matter how much success Clemson enjoys, the Gamecocks are either 1) maniacally downplaying it or 2) convinced so deeply of their upward trajectory that Clemson will cower in fear and bow out. Reminder: WILL MUSCHAMP IS YOUR COACH. I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN THAT I’M SORRY.

This can’t be right, he projects wins over Clemson AND Kentucky.

1. There’s no shame in losing a playoff game and I personally find it adorable you so desperately need Clemson to lose, as if it offers some sort of validation.
2. YOU PLAY IN THE SEC EAST LMAO.
3. At the risk of being redundant, you contribute absolutely nothing to this. See above.
4. We good.

My good Dr. Taco Nacho, if you’re still sick from losing to both Kentucky and Clemson 4 years in a row, you either have a horrible immune system which can’t build antibodies, or you are in fact not a very good doctor. Your medical talents notwithstanding, this seems to be a terminal illness with no prognosis for recovery.

I have now seen the apocalypse and I want to die before anything resembling this occurs.