Louisvi.....hahahahaha...hahahahah

I’ve been advised by my hate recovery sponsor that when I feel the hate building up, I should sit in an empty room and shout my hate into the void. I’ve tried to be nice this year, honestly, I have. Even when my heart is pregnant with hate, I’ve attempted swallow it down, or at least cover it in literary references I know the opposing fan base can’t comprehend (see F.S.U.).

This week, however, I just can’t do it. I’m a hate volcano in desperate need of a small eruption to ease the pressure. Luckily for my recovery, Louisville fans have totally given up on football this year, and the few that haven’t graduated from a glorified junior college / correspondence school in Northern Kentucky and can’t comprehend this anyway. I’ve been advised to shout my hate into the void, and folks, their is no bigger void in college football than the Louisville Cardinals.

Lamar Jackson

Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY Sports

First off, let me say that I actually respect Lamar Jackson. He seems like a nice enough guy and is a top notch back up quarterback/wide receiver/gadget player. I mean sure, you probably don’t want to head into a game with Jackson as your starter, but if your actual quarterback goes down, he’s good enough to run around and make something happen as long as the other team hasn’t game planned for him. He’s no Charlie Whitehurst, that’s for certain, but in the pantheon of back-up NFL QB’s, you can do much worse than Lamar Jackson.

I know there was some “debate” a while back between Louisville and Clemson fans about the merits of Deshaun and Lamar, and I’m glad that silly argument has been put to rest in the NFL. I’ll give Lamar credit, he’s doing better in his rookie year than I expected. He’s 6/11 for 75 yards and touchdown, and that’s pretty good for a quarterback/wide receiver/gadget player. I didn’t expect Lamar to come in to Baltimore and take the number one job from an elite quarterback like Joe Flacco, but I’m happy that the former Heisman winner has managed to carve out a small role in the Ravens offense.

Granted, 6/11 for 75 yards and touchdown would be a disappointing quarter of football for Deshaun, but comparing Lamar to one of the greatest college quarterbacks of all time isn’t fair. Jackson is having to learn how to be a quarterback after coming out of Bobby Petrino’s simplistic system, while Deshaun was able to hit the ground running after playing in Clemson’s advanced offensive scheme. Lamar is a neat player and I’m sure the right coach will be able to find a role for him in an offense. He strikes me as perfect guy to fill the Taysom Hill role that New Orleans has used so well this season. I wish him nothing but the best.

Now that we’ve clearly sussed out the the superior quarterback, and that the Heisman trophy was stolen from Deshaun Watson because Lamar Jackson led a breathtaking comeback against a 2-10 Virginia team, I’m going to make a controversial statement.

Lamar Jackson should have won the 2017 Heisman.

The fact that he drug that rotting, shambling corpse of a roster and degenerate coaching staff to an 8-5 record may be the most impressive feat in modern football history. Sure, Baker Mayfield was exciting, but he was also surrounded by 5* players and competent coaching.

Lamar was surrounded by a roster of guys that might have enough combined talent to make the Clemson intramural flag football playoffs, but would be an easy out in the first round, even if your quarterback showed up drunk (as I did on occasion...shout out to Nick Nichols, you better read this article) and coaching so inept, that someone unfamiliar with college football and Bobby Petrino would demand a point shaving investigation.

Lamar Jackson was the shining kernel of corn in the Louisville football turd. Now that he’s gone, Louisville is back to the bottom of the bowl where they belong.

Speaking of Bobby Petrino and Louisville Coaching

Photo by Tyler Smith/Getty Images

Note: It’s rare to see such polar opposites in the same picture.

Has there ever been a greasier duo in the history of college football than Bobby Petrino and Brian VanGorder? Is anyone shocked that those two guys aren’t raking in the talent right now?

When Dabo and Brent hit the recruiting trail, they win the living room. Daddies respect them, Momma’s love them, and if Granny and Pee-Paw are around, Dabo and Brent get invitations for supper on Sunday. Clemson coaches sit down in living rooms and parents listen. When Dabo says he’s going to take care of your son and help mold him into a man, they believe him, because he’s telling the truth. When Brent explains how your son fits into Clemson’s scheme with an unbridled passion usually only seen in five year olds on Christmas morning, you can’t help but be “All In.”

On the other end of the spectrum, when Bobby announces that he’s showing up at your house, you hide the good silver and put the plastic on the couch. Just the idea of looking into Petrino’s squinty little pig eyes and shaking his shriveled, liver spotted hand makes my stomach turn, and I can only imagine that feeling is shared by the parents of every high school player he attempts to recruit. The goal of parents during a Petrino home visit is to get the man out of the house as quickly and quietly as possible, and then dead-bolt the door as soon as he leaves.

I’ve been told by people in the know that ³⁄₄ of all Bobby Petrino home recruiting visits end with the family saying, “Sorry coach, uhm, I just got a call, and uhm, you see, there’s a family emergency, real bad, probably smallpox or ebola or something and, well, we’re going to have to cut this a little short, we’ll be in touch, in fact, we’ll call you, don’t call us, let me walk you to the door, please don’t touch anything.”

When VanGorder shows up to your house in his 79 T-Tops Trans Am with the ghost bird on the hood and Molly Hatchet blasting on the stereo, you turn off the lights, lock the door, and try your best to wait him out. When he shakes your hand, you keep your left hand on your wallet and a close eye on your watch, because even though he might not be a pickpocket, he certainly looks the part. When BVG attempts to explain how your son fits into his “scheme,” you know he’s lying, because from what I’ve seen, Louisville just runs out a random group of 11 players who barely know how to line up, much less run any sort of organized “scheme.” When BVG leaves your house, you spray down the plastic covered couch with Lysol, then reconsider and burn the entire couch in the back yard just in case losing is contagious.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Present Louisville Twitter In a 3 Act Play

Act 1: Defeated But Not Broken

Louisville Twitter 2016

Note: Clemson went on to win the National Championship, Louisville went 9-4.

Note: They weren’t.

Note: Not a Louisville fan, but a desperate USCe fan spouting more nonsense.

Note: This one is delicious.

Note: He said it and meant it, which is the saddest part.

Note: Clay Travis does this for a living.

Note: There was a question, and Louisville wasn’t ready for Houston, much less Alabama.

Act 2: Hope Springs Eternal

Louisville Twitter 2017

Note: It’s not

Note: Maybe they are bad at their jobs? That seems like a reason.

Note: Maybe there was a basketball scrimmage?

Note: His most recent memory isn’t as fun.

Note: Richy should probably stick with basketball.

Note: They didn’t, but Clemson did blank O$U in the Fiesta Bowl later that year.

Note: He was not HYPED

Note: Ouch, this is the fan base Chad Morris is dealing with now.

Note: He truly thought this.

Note: Another Strong entry from John

Act 3: Reality And Pain

Louisville Twitter 2018

3 part tweet

Pre-Bama

During Bama

Post Bama

Note: I could make an entire saga with just this guys tweets.

Note: Yearning for mediocrity

Note: The tone has certainly changed

Note: Based on the Game Day Crowd, riot is probably an overstatement, maybe a small gathering of mildly annoyed people would be more accurate.

Note: We’ve reached the delusional coaching hire wish list part of the program

In Conclusion

Louisville is a trash program with a trash coach that deserves the beating that Clemson will administer on Saturday afternoon. Bobby won’t be able to blame this one on a yard marker, and no one will be claiming Louisville is the better team after Clemson beats them this year.

Louisville hit the lottery with Lamar Jackson, but their fans forgot that good college football players only hang around for three years. They rode Lamar to a single 9 win, 21st ranked season in his three years in Louisville, but talked like they were contenders to the Clemson throne. If Louisville doesn’t “bow to Clemson” before the game, they will be forced to do so during the game.

Making bad teams bow is what Clemson does, and I’m sure Dabo remembers all the excuses Petrino has thrown out over the years. Vegas knows that an angry Dabo has no qualms with running up the scoring and humiliating a team, that’s why they gave the Cards 40 points, but I still don’t think that will be enough.