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NC...HATE - Clemson Hosts the Wolfpack amid Laptops, Evil Twins, and Wind Machines

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North Carolina v North Carolina State Photo by Grant Halverson/Getty Images

When we struggled to sync up with our NC State sister site for our usual Q&A this week, we tapped secret NC State fan (he’s actually a secret Kansas State fan) DrewTigerAlum for our Q&A. Thank goodness we did, because Drew is finally off the love bus and ready to get back to hating. We on the staff were getting a little perturbed.

STS: In the past six years, NC State hasn’t “beaten” Clemson, but they’ve been within 14 points four different times. Why do the you think the Wolfpack have Dabos’ number?

Drew: It’s simple really, wins and losses are an antiquated metric to determine the better team. According to our Wolfpack respectability metric, WRM, those 4 losses are actually wins. When a program like ours plays a program like Clemson within 2 possessions, it’s a Pack win, regardless of what your old fashioned win/loss metric says.

Think about it, we’re a significant footnote in Clemson’s 2016 National Championship season. When people look back at 2016, they’ll say, “NC State almost knocked off the Champs!” That loss may be the most prestigious accomplishment in our program’s history. We actually had “Almost Beat Clemson in 2016” rings made and the “Almost Beat Clemson in 2016 trophy is the centerpiece of our Wolfpack Hall-of-Fame Museum / Car Wash.

The 2017 game only lacked the validation of a Clemson National Championship. The Kelly Bryant Towel Collection is prominently displayed in in Coach Dave’s coaching cubicle. He smells those towels every day, says it “smells like greatness.” I promise you, no one was more disappointed than Coach Dave when the Tigers couldn’t seal the deal last season. He had to delete “almost beat the National Champs in back to back seasons” bullet from the top of his resume.

Anyway, the point is, when we play Clemson close, we actually win. Brushing shoulders with greatness is almost as the same as being great.

STS: How much of last year’s Textile Bowl loss in Raleigh do you put on the laptop on the sidelines that was tweeting the games?

Drew: That laptop has been Coach Dave’s obsession over the last year. He’s even attempted to use the internet twice since the incident. He’s convinced that Clemson was controlling his wide receivers on that last procedure penalty, but he can’t figure out exactly how Clemson did it. As safeguard, he was able to get a meeting with the Adidas guys that hang around the basketball program. He dropped off a few stuffed envelopes in the basketball locker room, and in exchange, the Adidas guys promised to use special computer wave blocking paint in the helmets this year. He’s confident that this will fix the Wolfpack’s late game mistakes against Clemson.

STS: NC State suffered a heart breaking loss to Wake Forest last year. What is it about Wake Forest that makes them so tough to play in Winston-Salem. Coach Swinney has never lost there, but NC State has lost 7/8. Is it the huge number of unruly Wake Forest fans that create an atmosphere they can’t overcome, or is it something else?

Drew: The fact that the Wake coach is named Coach Dave is super confusing. Our Coach Dave thinks their Coach Dave knows his every move, he refuses to gameplan against the Demon Deacs because “It’s a total waste of time because he knows what I’m thinking anyway, you can’t gameplan against yourself.” Last year he didn’t call any plays because he didn’t want to tip his hand, and other Coach Dave still knew exactly what he was doing. This year he’s not even showing up to the game in hopes that his absence will throw off “evil” Coach Dave.

As far as Coach Dabo’s success, it’s obvious that the fact that he’s not named Coach Dave is a huge advantage. He thinks the only reason that Dabo is so successful at Clemson is because there are no other Coach Dabos in college football. He has filed a complaint with both the ACC and the NCAA over Coach Dabo’s name advantage, but has yet to hear back.

STS: Lastly, it seems like NC State is simply the better team here. Both teams are undefeated, but Clemson barely beat Syracuse and NC State didn’t lose to West Virginia. If Clemson is to find a way to win here, how do they do it?

Drew: When you compare the resumes, our non-loss to West Virginia is far more impressive than anything Clemson has accomplished this season. Think about it, we didn’t lose to a top 25 team (that’s actually the third bullet point on Coach Dave’s resume now). Throw in the fact that Syracuse got a huge almost win over the Tigers in Death Valley and this should be an easy Pack win.

If Clemson finds a way, it will certainly involve cheating of some sort. We all know they pay the officials with their fancy two dollar bills and it’s been widely rumored that scientists at Clemson have developed a special “wind machine” that affects our field goals. Coach Dave has slept in the equipment room since our new helmets with the special paint were delivered, but he thinks he saw some sort of shadow person tampering with them just the other day. It’s possible the Tigers have employed the undead to neutralize our computer wave blocking helmets. I know it sounds a little far fetched, but I certainly wouldn’t put it past them.

Afterword:

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Honestly, I love my NC State friends and co-workers. This was all in good fun, and I hope you shared a good laugh!