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Virginia Tech? Not Elite - Hate Em’

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No One Is Scared of a Metallica Song

Georgia Tech v Virginia Tech Photo by Geoff Burke/Getty Images

The hate is a little late this week guys, and I would like to start off with an apology. My hate was weak last week. I expended so much hate on Louisville that I didn’t bring my A hate game vs B.C. and it showed. Gentlemen, at Clemson, “Best Is The Standard” and I failed to live up to that standard. Yes, B.C. is a boring football team, but I under hated and over-looked them, and it almost got us beat.

I’ve been sequestered in my hate laboratory since Saturday afternoon, watching the first 3 quarters of the B.C. game on loop, Clockwork Orange style (minus the touchdown drive). My hate is fully recharged, and as the Official STS Hate Ambassador or OSTSHA, I’m ready to get to work...but first....

Clemson:

Kent State v Clemson
O-Line, Kelly...this is embarrasing.
Photo by Todd Bennett/Getty Images

Offensive Line:

Guys, I had to call you out last year after you dropped giant turd in Death Valley vs Pitt, and it looks like I’m going to have to call you out again. You got beat up by a bunch of 2*/3* star Yankees. Sure, that one guy is pretty good, but you guys are supposed to be pretty good as well, and you were terrible. Hang your head in shame and do better, this isn’t Louisville, we don’t make excuses.

Kelly Bryant:

Look, I know this is a new gig, and I know the offensive line couldn’t block my 3-year-old against B.C., but again, this isn’t Louisville, so I don’t want to hear any excuses. You’ve got to throw the ball. You can’t just stand back there and wait for the O-line to fall apart. I know you’re being careful, but you’ve got the best receivers in the nation. Let them be great, instead of letting them wander aimlessly down the field while you don’t throw them the ball. You’re better than this. Trust your arm, trust your receivers, and throw the dang thing on time.

Tony Elliot:

Look man, we need to talk, and maybe this is coming from Dabo, but at what point did you decide we should try to be more like Michigan? This is Clemson University, the most exciting team in the nation, not some 3 yards and a cloud of dust, fat boy football team.

You want to know why Michigan always loses 3 games a year? They can’t put points on the board, and eventually some crap Big10 team beats them 13-10 in a mind numbingly boring game. That’s not what you want Tony, that’s not what any of us want. If we go down, we go down guns blazing, not with whatever vanilla ass game plan you cribbed off Jim Harbaugh.

I get it, we’ve got a killer defense, but we’re also supposed to have a killer offense. You can’t win it all without both, and this team has the talent to win it all.

Our offense has been God awful for almost 2 full home games this year. Let’s step things up a little against V. Tech. I’m not calling for anything crazy, but maybe find something in the playbook that defenses don’t immediately jump all over....

Seriously, if you throw that WR screen to Ray-Ray for -4 yards one more time I'm going to lose it, everything, I’m going to lose everything, right there on the floor of my basement, and honestly, I don’t want to have to clean that up. Just be better.

Now, on to the Turkeys:

College Gameday:

Clemson v Louisville
Sigh, this again.
Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

It seems like College Gameday follows Clemson around these days. Back when were just starting to dominate, it was fun, but now, it’s just boring. I’m tired of second tier teams like Louisville and Virginia Tech using Clemson as some sort of over-hyped recruiting extravaganza.

We get it, Clemson is usually pretty fun to watch, but now I have to spend another Saturday watching a bunch of casual football fans try to make funny signs involving my Tigers.

I honestly hope that after using Rick Pitino (Hi Rick, I understand you’re having a tough week), you keep with your theme of “terrible human beings” and go with Mike Vick as your special guest on Saturday.

I hope Desmond Howard finds some convoluted reason to pick Virginia Tech, something like, “I know Clemson is the superior team, but Virginia Tech’s long snapper is one of the best in the business, and I just can’t pick against that level of greatness.”

I hope Lee Corso once again “goes with his heart” and panders to the dozens of Hokie fans drunkenly waiving their signs, and puts on the turkey mask.

I hope all these things happen, because Clemson is going to wipe the field with Virginia Tech, and I want to them all pretend like they are surprised yet again, at the end of another Clemson game.

Virginia Tech “Traditions”:

Virginia Tech v West Virginia
ENTER SANDMAN BRO (this bro probably wasn’t alive when the song came out)
Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

OH MY GOD, THEY’RE PLAYING ENTER SANDMAN! THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I’VE EVER HEARD! HOW WILL WE EVER MANAGE TO SURVIVE! WE SHOULD JUST FORFEIT RIGHT NOW!

Look, the only tradition Virginia Tech should be known for is losing 3-5 football games a year. That’s it; that’s what they do. They shouldn’t be known for blasting some washed up band from the 90’s who ruined Napster (the most awesome thing ever with a college Ethernet connection) and pretends to be metal in velvet suits.

Virginia Tech, you better bring out your keys in the 1st and 2nd quarter, because you’re going to be looking for them mid-3rd quarter as you trudge out of the stadium, leaving only the drunkest of the drunk to sit in a stupor and watch Clemson’s 3rd string dominate the line of scrimmage.

You better sit that lunch bucket next to your freshman QB, because he’s going to need something to puke in when he sees the Clemson D-line walk out in warmups, and also, bring those turkey legs, because Big Dex is hungry and he might just snatch a few on the way out of the stadium.

Justin Fuente:

NCAA Football: ACC Championship-Clemson vs Virginia Tech
Let me explain a few things about big time football to you Justin.
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Justin found out last year what happens when you step up to play the big boys. He got beat by “The Champions of Life” and The National Champions, but also threw in a loss to Syracuse and Georgia Tech to meet the Virgina Tech quota of losses.

Justin might be the flavor of the month for some talking heads, but don’t be fooled. He recruits on a Mushchamp level, and while he’ll probably do a little better in the win/loss column than Will because he is a competent football coach, if you recruit on a Muschamp level, you’re going to end up with Muschamp level results.

I’ll give him credit, he did manage to beat one ranked team last year (a bad North Carolina team in the middle of a monsoon) to back Virginia Tech into the ACC Championship game. He managed to knock off a classic all offense, no defense, fringe top 25 West Virginia team in the opener this season, but he’s about to step up against a truly elite team, he’s just not ready.

Fuente is good enough to keep the time honored 3-5 loss, second tier ACC status alive and well in Blacksburg, but that’s it. He’ll end up like every other ACC flavor of the month: flavorless, discarded on the sidewalk, and stuck to the bottom of my shoe. Nothing is more enraging than having to scrape ACC coaches off the bottom of my shoe with a stick in the parking lot. It took me a solid 20 minutes to get rid of Al Golden.

Virginia Tech “Elite”:

NCAA Football: ACC Championship-Clemson vs Virginia Tech
This is what an “elite” team does
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

When looking through information on Virginia Tech, I came across an article titled: “Fuente sizes up Clemson Tigers in battle for ACC elite.”

I had to sit my coffee down and do some deep breathing exercises, because other than South Carolina, I can’t think of anything the makes me want to spit bile on my keyboard more than a team like Virginia Tech being called “elite”.

Calling this a “battle for ACC elite”, whatever that means, is an insult to Clemson. Clemson is elite, Virginia Tech is just ACC cannon fodder.

Clemson is coming off back-to-back National Championship game appearances, that’s elite. That’s recruiting and performing on a consistently elite level.

Virginia Tech is coming off a big victory in the Belk Bowl over a fellow, second/third tier team in Arkansas. That’s not elite, that’s Tommy Bowden levels of meh.

Virginia Tech, you want to be “elite”? I’m going to need you to beat more than one ranked opponent a year. Clemson had to earn elite on the field, over and over again. Being slightly better than a terrible North Carolina team and backing into the ACC Championship game means nothing to me.

In Conclusion:

NCAA Football: Clemson at Auburn Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Fellow Tiger fans, it’s time to shake off the malaise of consistent greatness and prepare to bring our full intensity to the game on Saturday night. Bring your intensity, not because Virginia Tech has earned it (because they haven’t) but because that’s what is expected.

We hold our team to the highest standard, and I don’t feel like I lived up to the same standard as a fan last week.

I expect lucky shirts to be in full effect. I expect lucky pregame shots to be flowing from every bottle of skanky liquor you have in the house. If you take a dump exactly 12 minutes before every Clemson win, I expect you in the bathroom straining.

The time of complacency is over my friends. Best is the Standard, and we need to meet that standard Saturday night, and every night, not because of who we play, but because of who we are.