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Alabama? We’ll Finish Them in the 8th Round.

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Clemson looks to knock out a diminished Crimson Tide

Alabama v Auburn Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

What’s up everyone?

Hope your holidays have been restful. While you bums have been enjoying the season, pounding down quarts of eggnog, and double-fisting Christmas cookies I’ve been sequestered in my hate laboratory, absorbing and hating all things Alabama. I haven’t seen my family since the end of the Miami game, and the cache of Spam and creamed corn that has sustained my over the last few weeks is running desperately low.

It’s time to take all my hate and concentrate it down into a few drops of pure, unadulterated Bama hate.

Clemson rolls into this game on the back of a dominant performance in the ACC Championship game. The Tigers beat the Fake U like the fluffy piece of nostalgia they are, even though the Hurricanes thought it would be prudent to say mean things to the Tigers as they entered the field of play.

Honestly, I was worried that the Tigers wouldn’t be able to handle the swagger of Miami players mean mugging and talking trash, but it turns out, they are still an average football team with a big mouth. I would, however, like to congratulate Mark Richt and Miami on their garbage time field goal to break the shutout. Scoring 3 points was a vast improvement over the last Clemson vs Miami game, and it shows that the program is on the rise.

While the Tigers looked impressive in their win over the Wal-Mart Hurricanes, Alabama was even more impressive in their win over Georgia in the SEC Championship game. The Tide controlled the Bulldogs throughout the game, leaning on a dominant defensive line that shut down the formidable Bulldog rushing attack, and grinding away at the Georgia defense with their Wildcat quarterback Jalen Hurts and their impressive stable of running backs. I’ve always said that beating a Nick Saban team in the SEC Championsh .....

Wait...what’s that you say? Georgia beat Auburn in the SEC Championship game ... but what about Alabama? I mean we’re playing Alabama in the semi final right... how can we be playing a team that didn’t even win their own division in a down S.E.C.?

I guess we have something to explore in this hateful episode...let’s get to it.

Shhhh ..... you can’t say that about Alabama:

CFP National Championship
You can’t do that to BAMA Taylor!
Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Let me get this out of the way. I’m tired of everyone speaking in hushed tones when they mention the Crimson Tide. This isn’t church, this is football, and Bama isn’t some sort of holy relic.

They’re just another offensively challenged SEC team that is still trying to figure out the intricacies of the forward pass.

I get it, Alabama deserves a modicum respect for their impressive little run recently, but I’ll let you in on a secret: the first step in beating Alabama is to stop worshiping Alabama.

At least 3/4’s of the games Alabama plays are over before the opening kick because the other team doesn’t really believe. They see those red jerseys and that stupid looking elephant and collapse in pregame warm-ups.

Bama is just like any bully, if you build them up into some sort of unstoppable juggernaut, you’re done. They’re going to push you down, give you a wet willy, and steal your lunch money. Like any bully, however, Bama doesn’t like it when teams stand up to them, punch them in the nose, and make them earn it.

In fact, this years Bama team is ...

Post Prison Tyson:

TYSON V HOLYFIELD
Post Prison Tyson: Living on past reputation, just like Bama

Mike Tyson came out of prison in 1995 at 28 still looking like “The Baddest Man on the Planet” but that’s all it was.... a look. The skills that made Tyson a dominant heavyweight (most notably his head movement and footwork) were gone, but he still looked like Mike Tyson.

This year’s Alabama team isn’t even the Mike Tyson that took a chunk out of Holyfield’s ear.

This year’s Alabama team is the washed up Mike Tyson that got his head knocked off by Lennox Lewis.

You see, Tyson had done absolutely nothing to earn a shot at the title held by Lewis. He earned a title shot because his name was Mike Tyson, and he knocked over a few carefully selected tomato cans after the Holyfield debacle in order to “earn” his shot at the champ.

This is the exact same mechanism that earned Alabama the chance to play Clemson this year. Alabama knocked off a few tomato cans, and because their name is “Alabama” they get an undeserved shot at the champ. Put a different name at the top of Bama’s resume this year, and they mostly likely just lost to Penn St. last night in the Fiesta Bowl, but because they’re “Bama” they get another shot at the champs.

Tyson came into Lewis fight a shell of his former self, but that didn’t stop him from trying to bully Lewis in the pre-fight. He said a bunch of crazy things and “the marks” bought in and thought he had a legit shot at beating the more reserved Lewis. People saw the Tyson that destroyed Michael Spinks ... not the actual Tyson, and poured money in on Tyson in Vegas and made the pay-per-view one of the biggest in history.

The same “marks” that poured money in on Tyson are pouring money in on Bama right now. They just can’t make themselves see the actual Alabama. They see SABAN and ROLL TIDE and just assume that Derrick Henry, Amari Cooper, and A.J. McCarron are heading into town with a defense full of future 1st round picks backing them up. They have bought into the invincibility of Bama, even when it has been made abundantly clear that this version of Bama isn’t really that good.

The Tyson vs Lewis fight was anticlimactic. Lewis was the bigger, younger, better boxer and surgically destroyed Tyson with his reach advantage and cinder block jabs. Tyson had no answer for the physically and technically dominant Lewis, and was mercifully stopped in the 8th round by a Lewis right hook, ending the mystique of Mike Tyson as a fighter once and for all.

Clemson vs Bama III will go down a similar route. Bama will look great in pregame warm up, everyone will get excited and ROLLLLL TIDDDDDDE, and then Clemson will jab them to death with their defense and running game and knock them out with the passing game at the start of the 4th quarter. It won’t even be that interesting, because Bama isn’t that good.

The college football “marks” will be shocked at the way Clemson controls the game, but the “smart money” folks will just nod their heads and collect their winnings.

Wait...you think Clemson is going to beat Bama going away? You can’t say that about Bama! You know what, I just did, and in fact, I’ll go farther ....

I’m sick of Nick Saban:

College Football Playoff National Championship - Head Coach Press Conference Photo by Jennifer Stewart/Getty Images

I’m tired of having to start every conversation with, “I agree that Nick Saban is the best coach to ever step onto a college football field” because I don’t believe it, and I’m tired of lying.

I’m sick of his bootleg Bill Belichick press conference where he acts like talking to the press is somehow below him.

We get it Nick, you hate talking to the plebes in the media and would much rather be sitting in a dark room breaking down film (or whatever persona you’re trying to sell to the media these days) instead of wasting your breath trying to explain your genius to the unwashed masses.

We get that you’ve got people convinced that being a joyless, prickly dictator is the only way to truly be a great college football coach, and that anyone who appears to enjoy coaching and working with college kids is simply a cheerleader.

I’m sick of having to pretend like Saban is some sort of coaching God, immune to all criticism.

I clearly remember my Boilermakers taking Saban and the Spartan’s behind the woodshed when he was at Michigan St.

I remember that Saban was far from unbeatable at LSU, reaching the 10 win mark only twice in his 5 years in Baton Rouge.

I vaguely remember Saban as a medicore NFL coach, instrumental in changing the fate of two NFL franchises by putting his weight behind signing Daunte Cullpepper instead of Drew Brees, then quitting after 2 years and slinking back to the college ranks, even after insisting with his typical, “I can’t believe you people are actually asking me this question,” level of annoyance that, “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.”

I’ll give Saban credit for figuring out “the Process”. If you recruit the best players, you can win by implementing a completely vanilla system that is predicated on the fact that eventually talent wins out.

Unfortunately for Nick, “The Process” has sprung a leak.

The level of talent across college football has improved. Nick doesn’t have a decided talent advantage in every game, and he can’t adjust his game plan to fit the current realities of college football.

He apparently realizes that college football has changed, and he even attempted to change Alabama by bringing in Lane Kiffin to revamp the offense, but I’m not sure what Nick hated more, dealing with Kiffin on a day to day basis, or the fact that Alabama was attempting to throw the forward pass on a regular basis.

Saban’s flirtation with a modern offense ended with the dismissal of Kiffin, and the hiring of Brian Daboll (plucked off his hero Bill Belichick’s staff). He’s back to running his risk adverse offense, and to his credit, when he’s beating up on the scrub teams in the SEC West, it’s been effective.

When he’s faced the two teams on his schedule with an actual pulse (Mississippi St. and Auburn), the offense has struggled, and if it weren’t for Dan Mullin losing his nerve in the 4th quarter and curling up into a ball on the sidelines (good luck UF), Bama would have lost both games.

I’m hopeful that the impending Clemson win knocks Saban back into the world of mortal coaches, because honestly, I’m tired of his B.S.

I’m Tired of Bama Fans:

Alabama v Florida State
If you look at Bama’s % of broken tackles per 3 yard run, you will clearly see that they are, in fact, unbeatable.
Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images

Honestly, 3 years of listening to them try and explain college football to Clemson fans, has become boring.

Bama fans have taken on the persona of their coach.

They think they understand football more than everyone else, and are aggravated that they even have to stoop so low as to talk about football with non-Bama fans.

I got into a long debate last year with a guy who was absolutely certain that Clemson had no chance to compete with Alabama.

First he patiently tried to explain to me that Clemson would have no chance because of some advanced analytic stat that he cherry picked. You see, Clemson simply couldn’t stand up to Alabama’s explosive run play percentage.

That was the only stat that mattered, and anyone silly enough to argue otherwise was just an uneducated rube who didn’t understand college football at an advanced level like Bama fan. If you have a better explosive run play % than your opponent, you may as well not even play the game, because the outcome is assured.

I brought up the fact that Bama tended to struggle with mobile quarterbacks and teams that liked to throw the ball. He countered my argument with....Western Kentucky. That’s right, because Alabama was able to shut down Western Kentucky’s passing game, Clemson would be no problem.

I attempted to counter with the fact that Western Kentucky was a great Conference USA team, but maybe, just maybe, didn’t have the talent level needed to actually compete with Alabama, and that possibly, Clemson had the requisite talent.

Dude lost it.

He couldn’t believe I didn’t understand that Western Kentucky = Clemson, and that because Alabama beat Western Kentucky, they would also beat Clemson. I mean, it was so completely obvious that if you can shut down the Hill Toppers’ offense, the Tigers would be light work for the Tide.

When I messaged him back after the National Championship game inquiring about explosive run percentages and Western Kentucky, he blocked me.

That’s the distillation of Alabama fan in my mind.

Someone so completely confident in the B.S. he’s been fed that he can’t handle reality.

The reality is that Clemson is the present and future of college football, and that Alabama, is a relic from the past, desperately trying to hold onto the greatness that is rapidly slipping through their fingers.

Alabama is old Mike Tyson and Clemson is Lennox Lewis, and tomorrow night, we’re going to put an over matched Alabama team out of their misery with our own version of a right hook in the 8th.

P.S. There is one particular Bama fan I would like to send this out to...I can’t name names, but I hope this impending Clemson victory ruins his New Year.