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FSU...Sit Down Son, We Need To Have a Chat

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Florida State, You’re Better Than This

Florida State v Duke Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Welcome back to the hate. I took last week off because my body was attempting to expel my lungs through my mouth while at the same time braising my brain in its own juices.

Much like Dave Doeren, I’m fired up and won’t be “politically correct” about the plague I suffered through last week (and am still recovering from, thanks to 4 different prescription meds), NC State intentionally infected me.

“Where’s the proof,” you ask?

I don’t need proof.

I just know that NC State couldn’t handle the hate so they sent me the plague. Sure, this might be “outlandish” and “untrue” but much like Dave, facts don’t matter, and I’m really upset about coughing until I puke and it’s all NC State’s fault, and I’ve contacted John Swofford (a close personal friend of Clemson according to NC State fans) to initiate an investigation into NC States use of biological warfare to stop the hate.(#justiceforDrewTigerAlum).

Clemson v North Carolina State
I know you’re behind this Dave
Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Clemson comes into the match up with Florida State after cheating NC State out of a win in Raleigh through the use of a social media laptop and a vast ACC conspiracy.

Sure, NC State gave up a punt return where every member of the return team gently caressed Ray Ray McCloud on his way to the endzone.

Yes, also NC State punted on 4th and 1 at their own 50 and then gave up an untouched 80+ yard run to Feaster.

Fine, NC State only managed 10 points in the 2nd half after eviscerating Clemson’s defense in the first half.

All of those things may be true, but that doesn’t discount the fact that NC State was hit with an inordinate amount of penalties...scans box score....6 penalties to be exact for 69 (nice) yards (wait...that doesn’t seem like that many).

Or the fact that the an illegal shift was called on the last NC State when an illegal shift actually occurred (wait, so, that was an obvious illegal shift and it occurred within 5 feet of the person responsible for calling an illegal shift) which is obviously the refs cheating NC State (somehow).

Finally, let’s not forget that Clemson had a LAPTOP (gasp) on the sidelines, and that said LAPTOP was being used by Clemson SOCIAL MEDIA which obviously means that Clemson was cheating and just because the ACC says they weren’t cheating, doesn’t mean they weren’t cheating because everyone knows that the ACC hates NC State and John Swofford has long been a huge Clemson fan.

So anyway, Clemson and the ACC cheated NC State out of a win and now Clemson is going to play Florida State in Death Valley, and will probably cheat them out of a win by scoring more points than the Noles.

Let’s get to the hate.

Not Mad, Just Disappointed:

Florida State v Boston College
35-3...to B.C....how is that even possible?
Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

Florida State, come, sit down next to me. We need to have a chat.

No, No, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

You are THE NOLES, one of the baddest outfits in all of college football and I’m not sure what’s going on with y’all.

Since Winston took his clown show to the NFL, you’ve lost to...Ga Tech (it happens), Houston(fear the AAC I guess), Louisville(unconscionable), North Carolina(maybe even worse that Louisville), NC State(seriously guys?), Louisville(again?) and got rocked by Boston College(wow, just...wow).

It’s hard to be alone up here at the top of the ACC. When Florida State had a pulse we at least had some company, but now we’ve got 3rd tier teams like Louisville and NC State thinking that they are actual threats to our crown, and that just doesn’t sit right with me.

We should be playing this game at night in Death Valley. ABC should be working on producing our next recruiting film. We should have 5* recruits fighting for a chance to see this game.

Instead, because of your gross ineptitude, we’ve got a 3:30 breeze over game that no one is talking about.

Noles, this is your fault, you need to get your crap together next year and figure out how not to quit on the field. We don’t like you, but we kind of need you to at least be better than this.

Jimbo:

Alabama v Florida State
Yup, I’m going to use LSU to bilk a few more dollars out of them Nick.
Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

Seminoles...Noles if you’ll allow...you’re being conned, and if you had any self respect left you would stand up for yourself and finally let Jimbo walk on over to the SEC like he threatens to do every off season.

Instead, you’re most likely going to offer him another extension after a dismal season because Texas A&M winked at him while you guys were in line at the grocery store.

Does Jimbo have you convinced that if he leaves no one will ever love you again?

Noles...maybe, just maybe, Jimbo isn’t that great.

Now, I get it, Jimbo and Winston won you a national championship, and that’s significant, but maybe, Jimbo’s biggest contribution to the cause was his willingness to look the other way while Winston made your program look stupid.

Personally, I think Jimbo’s a better enabler than he is a football coach. If all you want is someone to look the other way and make excuses, then maybe Jimbo is the right coach for you.

If, however, you want a dynamic football mind who can assemble a killer coaching staff and extract every once of talent from your ridiculous recruits, you could do much better.

Charles Kelly was best known for his work as the D.C. on a 7-7 Georgia Tech team before his stint in Tallahassee.

My brother-in-law is a VFL (Vol For Life, bless his heart) and if you mention Randy Sanders in his presence he will fight you.

Tim Brewster was run out of Minnesota on a rail after losing a home game to South Dakota.

That’s the best group the Jimbo can assemble? When Clemson needed help Dabo went to Chad Morris and Brent Venables...and you guys are really going to stick with Charles Kelly and Rand Sanders.

Come on Noles, you deserve better than this. After the season, while Jimbo is is flirting with Texas A&M, just let him go. Let him walk out that door.

Here is a song to inspire you:

If you want a list of possible coaches, just head over to any Tennessee fan board and steal their list. You guys might actually be able to land one them.

Facilities:

FSU Football Complex

I know that in the above section, I recommended that you drop Jimbo, but he does have a point about your facilities.

On his call in show, Jimbo said, "We haven’t done anything for a long time here. We did when we first got here. We made a few little adjustments. Since then we really haven’t. We’ve got to get caught up in that area."

I’ve actually toured these “facilities” and while I consider Jimbo a bloviating gas bag, he has a point.

Weight Room:

The Florida State weight room is actually located in the basement of the meat sciences facility. The smell alone is enough to turn your stomach, as the digester is located in the basement and is constantly processing animal carcasses while the team “lifts”. I say “lifts” because the weights consisted of 3 broken shake weights, an old tire, and 2 of those ab shocker belts. The workout I witnessed consisted of each position group going through different Gilad aerobics DVDS.

Cafeteria:

While Clemson takes pride in their dining facilities, Florida State has a Ryan’s Steak House where the athletes can get a reduced cost ticket for the soup and salad bar twice a week (not including the soft serve ice cream, limit one order of rolls). The rest of the meals consist of a brown bag containing a cheese and mayo sandwich, a bruised apple, and recently expired carton of skim milk.

Locker Room:

Florida State doesn’t actually have a locker room. Before the game, one of the mens restrooms at Doak Campbell is cordoned off, and the team gets dressed. They only have a 20 minute window before the restroom is reopened to the public.

Football Complex:

Clemson has a slide, laser tag, a nap room, and wiffle ball field. FSU has an empty textile warehouse on the outskirts of town. There is a nap room, but players often have to fight off vagrants to utilize the FSU “nap room” (a corner of the warehouse with a few of those mats you had to sleep on in kindergarten and a few large refrigerator boxes).

Jimbo and the actually have their offices across the street in an abandoned adult book store. Jimbo is set up in the video section in the back and has a beaded curtain that separates him from the rest of the staff.

What’s Probably Going to Happen:

Florida State v Georgia Tech

Florida State is going to have a moment of clarity and remember that their roster consists of 4 consecutive top 5 classes.

The team that looked like they had no interest in even competing with Boston College will be nowhere to be found, and instead, they will have a bunch of bad ass 5* athletes flying around the field.

Clemson will have to dig down deep to pull out a win, and because nobody other than Clemson or FSU fans will actually watch the game, the rest of the nation will think Clemson got pushed to the limit by a scrub 3-5 when in reality, the actual Florida State team showed up instead of the impostors that we’ve seen all season.

Honestly, I have 0 faith in bad Florida State showing up to Death Valley, but because Jimbo and his coaching staff have been hot garbage all season, we’re not going to get credit for knocking off a team with top 5 national talent, and I really hate that.