clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

I Hate Nostalgia

New, 58 comments

Clemson faces off against the memory of Miami for the ACC Championship

NCAA Football: Miami at Pittsburgh Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

What’s up everyone, I’m back, after taking the South Carolina week off.

I know, I know, I missed a pretty important week of hate, but I see my family around twice a year barring weddings and funerals, and had to make the drive from Kansas to South Carolina with my wife and 16 12 year old dog.

To complicate matters further, I have to maintain precise .2 B.A.C. in order to not murder my family, but at the same time, not puke my guys out, and that takes up most of my time.

Which leads us to today.

Clemson enters the annual “Clemson vs whoever sucked the least in the Coastal division” game otherwise known as “The ACC Championship Game” once again perched atop the college football world, and while my good friend and loyal supporter Joel Klatt is upset....

The rest of the College Football world has accepted their benevolent Tiger Overlords (All Hail Dabo, May His Reign Never End) and have spent most of their time arguing about who Clemson gets to demolish in the semi final this year (Ohio State please).

And Now A Brief Message for Out Dear Friends in Columbia:

Hi guys, how did that feel?

I bet it felt familiar, right? That 3rd quarter walk out of the stadium is old hat for you guys.

Oh, did you really convince yourself that you had a shot?

Did you really think that if you just got a few good bounces you could beat Clemson?

Did you really think a coach who couldn’t win with Florida talent would win with South Carolina talent?

Oh, you’re mad now?

Did our usual walk down to the end of your stadium upset your poor little student section?

Did you have to throw things on the field because you were frustrated that our team is obviously superior?

Did we make you ball your little hands into little fists and squeeze out a few tears of anger?

Stop it, just stop.

You’re not on our level, and that isn’t going to change any time soon.

Just be quiet and embrace your yearly beating. You know it’s coming, and throwing temper tantrums only make it that much sweeter for us.

Enjoy the Belk Bowl (or whatever god forsaken other SEC bowl outpost you get sent to). We’ve got actual football teams to worry about.

See you next year. We’ll be waiting.

Now, on to Miami:

Cheap Nostalgia:

Edward Reed #20
Ed Reed isn’t coming through that door.

“THE U IS BACK BABY!”

Oh really, because the team I watched in the Miami uniform this season would lose to THE U by 50 points.

No, No, No, THE U, isn’t back, and no matter hard Miami fans squint, they know that as well.

Now, I’m not discounting what Miami has done this season.

They’ve been the best of the totally on brand ACC Coastal, where being pretty good is enough to be great (record wise at least), but to claim this is some sort of “vintage” Miami team is delusional, and yet, “THE U IS BACK!” persists as a narrative.

This Miami team reminds me of my time as a high school teacher.

I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, waiting for the kids to file in so I could start another lively discussion on why knowing how to read and write is, in fact, a marketable skill which may be important later in life, when one of the girls in my class walked in wearing the Nirvana happy face tee-shirt.

I almost spit out my coffee.

“Uhm, is that a Nirvana shirt?”

“Yep”

“Can you tell me something about Nirvana?”

(Looking more vapid than normal) “Uhm, they were a band.”

“Well, yes, but can you tell me anything else?”

“No, I bought this shirt at Hot Topic because I thought it looked cool.”

That’s Miami, right now.

They are that girl in rural Texas wearing a Nirvana shirt in 2014.

They don’t know anything about THE U, but they think the shirt looks cool.

Which brings me to...

THE TURNOVER CHAIN!

NCAA Football: Virginia at Miami
Does this thing make me look like Ed Reed?
Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Nothing like a gimmic that once again looks back to a time when Miami was actually a formidable program.

It’s all nostalgia.

“Hey, when I wear this chain do I look like Ed Reed? I bet I look like Ed Reed!”

No, you don’t look like Ed Reed, sorry you just don’t. You look like a guy that will probably spend some time on a practice squad.

It would be like me putting on one of those little red swimsuits from Baywatch and thinking I look like The Rock.

In reality, I just look like a slightly overweight hairy dude, just like a Miami player that wears THE TURNOVER CHAIN looks like slightly above average player in the ACC Coastal.

Which brings me to....

Mark Richt

NCAA Football: ACC Kickoff
You guys like to party?
Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

Look, I understand Mark is a nice guy and everything, but even Mark has bought into this dime store nostalgia.

He leaves Georgia looking like a guy that enjoys a quiet night at home with the wife and kids and shows up at Miami in a muscle shirt rocking the silver fox goatee.

Mark Richt looks like a guy that is going to invite you out on his speedboat so you can party in international waters “cause anything goes out there man!”

I know Mark Richt probably spends most of his free time at the senior center reading to grandma and cooking creamed corn for the masses, but he wants to look like a dude that just made a run in his Beechcraft turbo prop to Colombia (the country not the good forsaken hell hole in the middle of our state, but hey, that probably works as well, based on my brief viewing of LivePD Richland County) to pick up a shipment.

He looks like he is trying to keep one step ahead of Crockett and Tubbs.

Mark, just give it up, go back to being the lovable, starter jacket wearing, face shaving, big game losing, coach we’ve known for so long.

You’re not the guy you’re pretending to be.

In Conclusion:

Florida A&M v Miami
I’m Terrified
Photo by Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

Drewtigeralum, you can’t say that about Miami, they’re scary.

Look guys, I’m not afraid of a bunch of trust fund kids pretending to be hard, any more than I’m afraid of a bunch of limp wristed bottle chuckers.

Sure Miami was team full of scary bad asses back in the day, but that day has passed. They are just another team in the way of our overall goal.

You want a team of scary bad asses that look more like THE U than Miami?

Take a look at Clemson.

We’re THE U without the B.S.

See you guys Saturday night, and bring your chain. We might just snatch it off your neck.