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Hatin’ Round Twitter

I can’t hate the Citadel, but I can hate everyone else.

Colorado Buffaloes v Miami Hurricanes Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images

I tried to write a Citadel hate article yesterday, I really and truly made the attempt, but I just couldn’t do it.

You see, The Citadel provided me with one of my most glorious sports memories ever.

I vividly remember sitting in my in-laws basement watching the 2015 Citadel game. When the game started, everyone was upstairs, but around about the 3rd quarter, people started trickling into the basement to see what I was yelling about. By the 4th quarter, the T.V. was surrounded by Tennessee fans (as always, thoughts and prayers) laughing at the screen.

I’ll tell you, it’s been a rough decade or so for Vols fans, so the ability for everyone to join around a television set and laugh at South Carolina was a cathartic experience for them. By the end of the game, I couldn’t even speak. I had tears running down my face, and all I could do was point at the television and gasp for breath between convulsive laughs. I had to leave the house and take a walk around the neighborhood to compose myself.

I just can’t say anything bad about El-Cid, but luckily, there is still twitter, so I would like to use my allotted space to speak on two people that have caught my twitter attention this week.

Joel Klatt:

I’m going to be honest with you, until a few days ago I blissfully had no idea what a Joel Klatt was. The only time I heard Joel Klatt around my house was when a cat was trying to puke up a hairball on the rug.

Joooooel, Jooooooel, Jooooooooooooooel..........Klatt (this noise is usually followed by the sound of my dog Otis sprinting to the scene of the klatting for immediate cleanup).

Then I saw him getting personally butt hurt over Clemson being ranked ahead of Oklahoma, and I became intrigued.

Who was this sassy little Buffalo willing to stand up for the South Carolina of football conferences?

Turns out, Mr. Klatt was a perfectly average Big12 quarterback back in the mid 2000’s and has parlayed his average playing career into a perfectly mediocre broadcasting career. Hey, it’s good work if you can get it: you do you Joel.

I don’t begrudge Mr. Klatt his mediocrity, but now Joel is attempting to ride the Tigers to notoriety with his CFP hot take.

Most rational commentators, even if they didn’t agree with Clemson being #2, were able to take a deep breath and realize, “Hey, Clemson is going to play Miami in the ACC Championship game, so this is silly anyway. Either Clemson or Miami will be eliminated, and if Clemson beats Miami, they will be the clear #1 or #2 depending on how other things play out.”

Instead, he’s gone full hot take conspiracy theory, to the point where our exalted leader, Dabo (through whom all football victories are possible) Swinney was forced to waste his precious breath laughing at Mr. Klatt, or at least laughing at Mr. Klatt’s silly ideas during his press conference this week.

Here’s a hot take for you Joel:

The Big12 is a joke of a conference. There is a reason why out of the 12 teams to play in the CFP so far, only one team from the Big12 has been deemed worthy of a spot, and that team, Oklahoma (with Baker Mayfield), got drug around the field by a little team from Clemson, South Carolina.

Oklahoma can’t block Clemson’s D-Line, and Oklahoma’s D-Line can’t stop Clemson from running the ball down their throats. Baker Mayfield will get flustered and throw the ball to the wrong team, and the OU defense will be dead on the field in the 3rd quarter.

I finish my prayers every night with, “and lord, if you should see fit, please let Clemson get Oklahoma in the semi-final....amen.”

South Carolina Twitter:

It’s not truly fall until South Carolina Twitter switches from huffing glue to straight gasoline and starts saying ridiculous things about Clemson football.

I could actually smell the gasoline on this tweet:

That’s right, the defending National Champions simply won’t be able to handle the big stage in Columbia.

“Yea, but, Watson ain’t playin’ in this one”

Fun fact: Kelly Bryant has won more games on the road vs ranked (at the time the game was played) opponents (3) than South Carolina has won in since 2014 (1).

You see, it’s just hard for South Carolina fans to understand the greatness that is Clemson football. The idea of going into a hostile environment and actually winning a game is a completely foreign concept to our feathered friends in Columbia.

Will Columbia be loud? Sure

Will their players be pumped up? Certainly

Will it matter? Nope

The fact remains that South Carolina has defeated exactly 1 team with a winning record. Their 3 most impressive victories have come against teams that have either already fired their coach (UT and UF) or are in the process of firing their coach (Ark).

They are weak on both lines of scrimmage, and Clemson has destroyed teams that can’t compete in the trenches.

Oh yea, and Clemson will actually be healthy for this game.

But I’m sure a bunch of hammered drunk, morally corrupt people in black tee shirts will somehow close that gap. As someone pointed out in the thread (paraphrase), if a bunch of drunk rednecks filling a stadium equates to wins, Tennessee wouldn’t be stalking a coach who hasn’t stepped foot on a college sideline in 25 years.

I’m honestly happy for South Carolina, because this false hope of a season has probably cemented Muschamp as the Gamecock coach for the foreseeable future. I mean, 7 wins in the regular season is pretty impressive, and if they can knock off a bad Big10 team in a crappy bowl game, they might get to 8.

Hell, they might build a statue of Muschamp if he can get them to 8 wins.

Anyways, hope this tides you over until next week.