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Wake Forest? I Don’t Believe in Them...Hate!

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I am convinced that Wake Forest isn’t a real thing.

Meineke Car Care Bowl - Connecticut v Wake Forest
The “Demon Deacon” is a clever nod to the originator of the “Wake Forest” conspiracy.
Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

It’s Wednesday, and I’ve had hate bubbling up into my esophagus (or maybe it’s residue from the Saturday booze-a-thon) since the 4th quarter last Saturday night.

I’m not one to savor a victory, and since Clemson was kind enough to end the Virginia Tech game early (as I predicted), I was able to start hating “Wake Forest” a full quarter early.

Clemson comes into this match-up with “Wake Forest” off yet another disappointing performance. Sure, Clemson may have “dominated” the game but we actually lost the 4th quarter 14-7. Sure, the game was over, well into Lamar Jackson time, but I expect more against such a non-elite team like Virginia Tech. We need to dominate all 4 quarters.

That game should have ended 31-3, but instead, we allowed Virginia Tech a B.S. punt return and a drive against our 2nd and 3rd stringers. Undoubtedly, this will spark hope in the Hokie faithful, and we’ll have to listen people calling for the upset, should Virginia Tech manage to back into another ACC Championship game because Miami and Mark Richt figured out a way to blow their foot off in an unexpected and entertaining fashion.

I prefer fan bases with no hope, such as South Carolina, where even the most delusional Cock fans are scheduling trailer relocations and visits to the federal pen to see Grandma on November 25th in order to avoid watching the impending beating.

Sadly, I think the 4th quarter prevented a full loss of faith in Hokie Nation, and I’m sure a few of them truly want Clemson in the rematch, even though their freshman quarterback continues to wake up in the middle of the night screaming “NO AUSTIN, PLEASE!” three days after the massacre.

We’ll have to make sure to fully crush them if we do have to face off against the clearly not elite Hokies again in December.

Speaking of squashing, Clemson is scheduled to face the alleged “Wake Forest Demon Deacons” on Saturday. Let’s get to the hate, I’ve got a theory I need you guys to hear out.

I Don’t Believe in Wake Forest:

Texas Rangers v. New York Yankees
The man who continues the “Wake Forest” conspiracy
Photo by Jason Szenes/Getty Images

I am fully convinced that Wake Forest isn’t actually a school. I’ve met thousands of people in my travels across the country, but I’ve never actually met anyone that attended Wake Forest.

I’ve met people from obscure liberal arts schools in Idaho.

I’ve met people that attended Christian colleges with enrollments smaller than my graduating high school class.

I’ve even met people that will own up to attending South Carolina.

I’ve never met Wake Forest grad.

You people need to wake up and smell the conspiracy theory, nay, conspiracy fact.

Wake Forest is actually an ACC Tobacco Road conspiracy. North Carolina, North Carolina State, and Duke got together and decided they needed someone they could beat on the regular in football, and thus, “Wake Forest” was born.

It is my sincere belief that Wake Forest’s football team consists of players planted by the ACC to be bad in football, and after 4 years to 5 years of getting beaten senseless by any football team with a pulse, they are awarded a sham degree from this made up university called “Wake Forest.”

On occasion, however, this strategy back fires on the ACC, because no matter how carefully they select players, they can’t be sure that one of the Tobacco Road flagships programs, or one of their “jewels from the Northeast” won’t unintentionally recruit an inferior team, despite the ACC’s best efforts to provide them with a win, and amazingly enough, and occasional bowl game.

Supporting Facts:

“Wake Forest” isn’t in Wake Forest:

You won’t find “Wake Forest” in Wake Forest, or even Wake County, suspcious.

Take a trip to Wake Forest, North Carolina and ask to see the university, and you’ll be met with nervous locals claiming, “uhm, you see, the school moved to Winston-Salem, yea, that’s it, Winston-Salem.”

This ingenious lie has long thrown people off the Wake Forest trail, because nothing could possibly justify a visit to Winston-Salem. It’s just not a place any sane person would chose to visit on their own volition.

Wake Forest being located in Winston-Salem would be like Clemson moving to Greenwood. It doesn’t make any damn sense. It doesn’t pass the smell test at all. In fact, I just smelled it and threw up in my mouth.

I’m sure someone will attempt to come up with some sort of intricate story about the university moving to Winston-Salem in 1956. I’m also sure these people got that information off the internet, and believe me, you certainly can’t trust anything (other than this article of course) on the internet.

“Dave Clawson” isn’t a real person:

I tried to look up a picture of “Dave Clawson” and this is what I found. I want the doubters to explain this.

I want everyone to close their eyes and attempt to conjure up an image of Dave Clawson in their head..., keep trying....keep trying....don’t stop...still got nothing, right?

Same here.

I follow college football with a religious fervor mostly reserved for members of a death cult, but for the life of me, I can’t even imagine the concept of Dave Clawson.

I visited his obviously fabricated Wikipedia site, and it provided me with more questions than answers.

Dave apparently played at “Williams” college? I don’t think that’s a real place.

He supposedly coached at Yankee schools like “Albany, Buffalo, and Lehigh, Fordam, and Villanova.” I’m pretty sure none of those schools have actual football programs.

They got clever and claimed Dave Clawson was “Offensive Coordinator for The University of Tennessee in 2008” even though every real college football fan knows Tennessee hasn’t had an offense since the late 90s, much less a “coordinated offense.”

Finally, his big gig before “Wake Forest” was “Bowling Green” a supposed MAC school, but in reality, just a combination of the conspiracy originators favorite activity “bowling” and his favorite color “green.”

Dave Clawson isn’t an actual coach, he’s just another run of the mill plant by the ACC. Most likely an NC. State product, because no one knows how to produce consistently terrible coaches like NC. State...in fact, they have their own inept “Dave.”

I’m on to you “Dave Clawson”, even if the rest of the football world is still asleep.

Noon Games:

Mojave Trails National Monument Under Review By Trump's EPA Dept. For Possible Downsizing
Wake Forest Football Motto: Suns Up! Time to Play!
Photo by David McNew/Getty Images

When “Wake Forest” shows up on the schedule, you can go ahead and mark it down as a nooner. Even though Clemson can drag ESPN Game Day to 2nd tier football locations like Louisville, KY and Blacksburg, VA, and can even drag B.C., with its 12 fans, to the midafternoon game, it can’t move Wake Forest from the noon timeslot.

The ACC needs “Wake Forest” to play at noon because they don’t want to get anyone too interested in Wake Forest football. Put a “Wake Forest” game on in prime time, and people might start asking questions, but most people are still too groggy on Saturday morning to really think too much about “Wake Forest” while they attempt to remain conscious after brunch.

This brings me to the main reason I hate “Wake Forest.

Pumpkin Patch Attracts Fall Revelers
Welcome to my nightmare
Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

I live in Central time zone, so this game kicks at 11 my time. I can’t use Clemson as an excuse to avoid interacting with my family or doing yard work.

“Sorry honey, you know I need to start drinking at least 3 hours before the Clemson game, so I’m going to have to skip out on the Pumpkin Patch” simply won’t cut it on Saturday.

I’m probably going to have to go to a 3-year-old’s birthday party and be forced to furtively sneak peaks at my phone for score updates while listening to the other parents yak about not football, and I’m probably going to have to do it sober.

This “Wake Forest” conspiracy has negatively affected my life. Clemson football should be the only excuse needed for a day of sitting in my chair, eating garbage food, and day drinking, and now, I’ve got to come up with something else, and it really irritates me.

In Conclusion:

North Carolina State v Clemson
I knows these feels kid
Photo by Todd Bennett/Getty Images

It is my firmly held belief that “Wake Forest” is an ACC conspiracy that has stretched on for decades with no hard questions being asked.

Even though I see through this “Wake Forest” charade and have reached football enlightenment, this game is still going down on Saturday morning, and subsequently, Clemson needs to show up and teach this so called “football team” what happens when you force Drewtigeralum to be awake at 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

While I plan on utilizing toothpicks to prop my eyelids open, I’m confident the football team will not fall into the “Wake Forest” trap. We need to come out strong, bury this fraudulent team early, and start preparing for the actual teams remaining on our schedule like....scans schedule....Syracuse...no, no, that’s not right...scans schedule again... Georgia Tech.