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Georgia Institute of Technology? A Fine Upstanding Footballing Team!

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Georgia Tech is a paragon of football virtue!

Mercer v Georgia Tech Photo by Jeffery Kane Gammons/Getty Images

Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve had a change of heart. Our fine northern friends from the great state of New York have shown me the error in my ways. My hate has been misguided and a waste of precious energy I could spend showering our upcoming opponents with the praise and adulation they so obviously deserve. After all, college football is a sport for calm, informed discourse among gentlemen, and should not fall victim to vile and insidious “hate” that permeates our daily lives. I love The Georgia Institute of Technology as both an institution of higher learning and as a interscholastic football team, and you should as well.

Clemson comes into this game on the heels of a bye week and a loss to the always classy Syracuse team. The Tigers fought hard, but were overwhelmed by the football acumen and athletic prowess of The Gentlemen of Orange that represent Syracuse University.

Now, some may say that the entire Clemson coaching staff was suffering from a concussive brain injury, and shouldn’t have been cleared to take the sidelines against Syracuse. Some may also say that left to their own devices, the players could have probably come up with a more coherent game plan focusing on turning around and handing the ball to stud athletes in the backfield and blocking. Those people, of course, would be wrong, because Clemson simply lacked the talent to overcome the fine young men from New York. Any mention of a game plan and game management that resembled a 10 year old playing Madden for the first time would be a slanderous lie.

Clemson spent their bye week doing important things like talking about a locker room video that included fisticuffs and ungentlemanly like behavior and providing up to the minute health updates Kelly Bryant, using the scientific and exacting % to 100 scale to describe Mr. Bryant’s ability to perform important functions on the football field, like walking. One would hope Mr. Scott and Mr. Elliott spent a portion of their bye week devising an emergency plan in case Mr. Bryant is limited in his athletic abilities or is unable to discharge the responsibilities requisite of a functioning quarterback, because it is obvious that no such plan has been in existence up until this point.

That’s enough about Clemson, my excitement about the fine young men that play football for the Georgia Institute of Technology can no longer be contained!

Mr. Paul Clayton Johnson:

Georgia Tech v Miami
You guys smell that?

When most coaches look to the future, and rely on innovation to push their programs forward, Mr. Johnson is a true visionary, and looks to the past for inspiration.

Mr. Johnson’s strategy in overcoming his opponents relies on a strategy that requires his large men to fling themselves belly first at the lower legs of their opponents. While this strategy could be interpreted as dangerous, especially when it often leads to a play called a “chop block,” Mr. Johnson assures us that his tactic is within the rules, and that no “chop blocks” actually occur.

In support of this statement, the ardent supporters of the Georgia Institute of Technology team will vehemently defend Mr. Johnson’s statement and inform you that diving at the back of a players never happens and the officials are biased and ill informed when they penalize Georgia Tech for “chop blocks.”

Looking past Mr. Johnson’s somewhat controversial, but completely legal and in no way dirty, blocking scheme one marvels at Mr. Johnson’s sunny disposition.

Some “haters” may claim that Mr. Johnson looks like he is perpetually smelling cabbage inspired flatulence, but those people would be misguided. Mr. Paul Clayton Johnson is simply a pensive, deep thinking man, and his face is simply an outward expression of his internal dialogue.

Other “haters” may make the specious claim the Mr. Johnson is somewhat conceited for a coach that has produced mixed and undulating results at the Georgia Institute of Technology, often following up wildly successful seasons with complete disasters. Those “haters” would also be misguided, because the fact that he wins at all the Georgia Institute of Technology, with such tepid fan supports (this should not be misconstrued as an insult to the Georgia Institute of Technology supporters, just an observation) and financial backing. If you can win 11 games running an antiquated offense in sparsely populated stadium in a locker room from another millennium, it is quite possible that Paul his correct, and his feces does in fact produce no odor.

Nerds? I Think Not!

Pittsburgh v Georgia Tech
Submitted with no comment
Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images

“Haters” may consider the student body of The Georgia Institute of Technology to be composed of socially inept young men and women that are more comfortable working on complex equations than interacting with the general populace. Some even use the pejorative term “nerds” when referring to students of the Georgia Institute of Technology, I would obviously not be one of those people.

The following quotes found on the studentsreview website were obviously made by bitter dullards who couldn’t handle the rigorous academic requirements of The Georgia Institute of Technology.

“The kids are so over-worked and lack so many social skills that the cafeteria is almost always silent.”

“The social life here, as I've experienced it, is non-existent. Midtown Atlanta might sound exciting, but it gets old real fast. You won't form friendships that last a lifetime, at most you'll find a study-buddy for the semester.”

“Social Hell: few women + lots of engineers = awkward. Prepare to spend your years here pissed off about your social situation unless a) you have a good circle of friends at other Atlanta schools or b) fraternities are your thing (i tried one, they are not my thing). I made some good friends here but all were male and engineers. I tried out many of the clubs trying to branch out but met the same lack of social diversity: all dudes and all engineers. As for dating: fuggedaboutit. The few women that are around tend to make you shudder. It's very frustrating. For me, this lack of social life also made my grades suffer. I could have done a lot better academically if I had the social support and diversion I needed.”

“If you plan on having no social life and doing integrals the rest of your life, this is your college.”

It is clear that these reviews were made by young men and women who don’t appreciate the finer things in life. Marathon study sessions and weeks of isolation build character and help to reveal your true self. Slavish devotion to academics and celibacy is what the true college experience is all about. These people don’t understand that if you truly devote yourself to the academic rigors at the Georgia Institute of Technology you may in fact be able to build your perfect companion and avoid the needless hassle of dealing with other carbon based lifeforms and their imperfections.

Now My Fine People, I Need a Moment:

Clemson v Syracuse
The Horror....The Horror
Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

What in the name of Tommy Bowden squatting on the sidelines in an oversized sweatshirt with his play sheet shoved down the front of his pants was that? That was the most inept display of coaching and playing that I’ve seen since Bowden and “The Mad Scientist” meekly paced the sidelines looking for a reason to surrender.

Seriously, I couldn’t drink enough to handle that game. I started out with a nice craft brew and ended the game chugging a bottle of rubbing alcohol and praying to go blind so I didn’t have to witness a loss to Syracuse.

I have no idea what any of our coaches were attempting.

Dabo:

Kelly Bryant was hopping around on one leg, and you left him in the game? It makes no sense. I told my wife two drives before Syracuse finally put him out of his misery that he was going to get seriously hurt. I can only surmise that Dabo was on the sidelines watching a highlight DVD of the 92’ Bama team in preparation for ceremony in Tuscaloosa the following day and missed the fact that Bryant was having a difficult time walking, much less playing quarterback.

Also, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, and yet, there goes Alex Spence in to attempt another field goal. Oh, look, this one actually went out of bounds at the 5 yard-line, does that count as a punt?

I honestly feel bad for Spence. We’re asking him to perform a task he is unable to perform, and then we get mad at him when he can’t perform. It’s like getting pissed off at my toddler because she can’t fix the transmission in my truck.

Please Dabo, find another kicker, or stop kicking field goals. Marching Spence out onto the field to fail miserably is just cruel.

Dabo, love you man, but that was a wet dog fart of a coaching job.

Tony Scott / Jeff Elliot:

The game plan looked okay until Bryant attempted to make a football move and his ankle gave way, but you continued to use the “Kelly is kind of healthy” game plan, when it was obvious that Kelly was not longer even kind of healthy.

After almost two weeks of research and contemplation I’m still in shock over how inept our game plan was vs. Syracuse and how we remained slavishly devoted to an obviously busted plan.

Injured Bryant and Overwhelmed Cooper were having difficulty completing even the most basic of passes, and yet, we continued to pass despite the fact that we had four healthy (three after Travis Etienne outran his hamstring) and not overwhelmed players capable of handling the load while we tried to figure out the QB situation.

Syracuse was running our high tempo, run a bunch of snaps game plan against us, and yet, we couldn’t recognize that, slow the game down, control the tempo and grind out a win, like we’ve done against almost every team we’ve played at home this year.

Guys, please have some sort of coherent plan and a backup plan when Bryant can’t go on his bad foot, and not whatever spin the play call wheel of fortune strategy you went with against Syracuse.

Brent Venables:

It feels like sacrilege to mention Brent, but the defense laid an egg, and some of it falls squarely on the clenched jaw of Brent Venables.

I get it, part of what Brent does is call exotic blitzes and make late adjustments based on formations, but Syracuse was moving too fast to accomplish that. Instead of just lining up our studs and having them beat Dungy into an orange pulp, we decided to mess around at the snap, not get set, and let them run it up our guts.

I understand that we were using a bunch of new guys in the secondary, and they were having trouble getting aligned, but that’s when you have to adjust what you do and go basic instead of sticking with our complicated scheme and blowing coverages. It was also obvious that Syracuse was just going to chuck it up to their big dude and let the chips fall where they may, but somehow, the only guy Cuse was really interested in throwing it to was always in single coverage, sometimes with our safety.

Brent, let’s be a little more flexible in the future. I know you like to play chess with all of our stud athletes but sometimes checkers gets the job done.

In Conclusion:

This isn’t my best work, but I’m still suffering from P.S.S. (Post Syracuse Syndrome) and need a win over Georgia Tech to get my head right.