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SYRACUSE? I Demand a Refund! Hate!

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I can’t believe the ACC didn’t keep the receipt

NCAA Football: Pittsburgh at Syracuse
You deserve better Dino
Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

Guys, I’m not going to lie, this may be the most hateful I’ve ever been heading into a game. The very idea that we have to stoop down to play a garbage Yankee team like Syracuse has me chewing a handful of my blood pressure medication every 3 hours to prevent a rage stroke.

Clemson comes into this game hot off a 11 a.m. snooze fest against (alleged) Wake Forest that saw the Tigers come out hot, take the rest of the game off, and yet still leave with a banged up quarterback.

Seriously guys, if we’re just going to quit playing offense after getting up 2 touchdowns, we may as well just pull the starters at the end of the 1st quarter instead of going through the motions with guys we probably don’t want to get injured. We should at least shut down the QB run game and just hand it off to our actual running backs. We’ve got 4 of those and only 1 Kelly Bryant.

I totally get that we’re just playing to win the game, but I think the Pittsburgh game last year produced some sort of irreparable mental trauma that causes our offensive coaches to become paralyzed with fear when playing garbage teams at home.

I get that we got stupid with the ball vs Pitt, but they actually had the talent to punish us. Teams like B.C. and Wake absolutely do not have the talent, but our offense starts playing not to lose in the 2nd quarter and it’s getting really hard for me to maintain consciousness. I’ve had to switch from booze to coffee to make it through a Clemson game, and that’s just not right.

Luckily, Clemson goes on the road to face the Orange Yankees of New York (State) on Saturday...wait, no Friday night (I’ll get to his later), and the Tigers have attempted to play offense most of the game when we go on the road for some unknown reason, so I expect us to give the roughly 700 fans in attendance a show that we refuse to put on for home games.

I’ll get to the hate in a moment, but first, a word about student attendance at Clemson football games.

I’ve read both sides of the argument, and I feel I’m in a unique place to comment on the current kerfuffle, because I hate everyone, and find each side’s argument to be asinine.

Students:

NCAA Football: Boston College at Clemson
Why do I see green grass in this picture Asher and Amberlyne?
Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Adysyn, Ryker, Brylynn, and Amberlyee,

I get it, you’ve grown up in a world where your mommy and daddy followed you around everyday and ensured that everyone was super nice to you, and if they weren’t, they wrote strongly worded letters and demanded teacher conferences and interventions and you got to talk about it with your team of therapists and councilors.

I know you were dropped off, picked up, and otherwise shuttled to every precisely planned event in your parents’ generic S.U.V and that you are struggling to figure out how to transport yourself to an event independently. It’s not your fault, you were raised to be helpless, but it’s time to start trying to function on your own, and not as a some sort of umbilically bound parasite.

I’m going to suggest something crazy that might actually help people stop making fun of your coddled generation.

If you sign up for a football ticket and are lucky enough to have our computer masters mark you as special, please actually attend the game. It’s really that simple.

You went into this process knowing full well that it may, in fact, not be a perfect 74.5 degrees and that your emotional support ferret, Mr. Whiskers, is not allowed in the stadium. If you can’t handle the hot, cold, wind, sun, clouds, or rain or if being separated from Mr. Whiskers puts you into a catatonic state, just don’t sign up. Not doing something is about as easy as it gets.

Frat bro and or sorority bro-ette, if you tell me you’re too “hungover or tired” to get to an early game, I will find you, I will post your picture on-line and say mean things about you, and I know for a fact, that is the ultimate punishment for your generation.

You, in fact, do not have a hangover.

Having dry mouth and a burning desire to eat greasy food is not a hangover. Having a little headache that Gatorade and 2 aspirin get rid of is not a hangover, it is simply a minor inconvenience.

Let me explain a hangover. A hangover is something you get when your liver decides to stop processing alcohol and starts turning it into poison that is shot directly into your brain.

I have included a handy checklist to help you decide if you have a hangover (I can almost guarantee that you do not).

  • Are you running a fever? - Hangovers involve running a fever, because you have in fact, poisoned yourself.
  • Are you sweating profusely? - Your body attempts to get rid of the poison and cool your ever rising core temperature through your sweat glands.
  • Are you on the bathroom floor? - A true hangover requires a move to the cold tile of a bathroom floor.
  • Are you vomiting a substance similar in appearance and taste to battery acid? - If you’re not vomiting bile, you’re not hungover.
  • Does the idea of eating or drinking make you vomit again? - Your stomach converts all incoming food and beverage into a boiling hot acid that is quickly regurgitated.
  • Does the an attempt to watch television make you vomit? - If you can watch T.V., you’re not hungover.
  • Have your symptoms lasted at least 48 hours? - You can’t shake off a hangover by sleeping an extra 4 hours. Recovering from a hangover is at minimum a 48 hour process, but can often times take over 72 hours.
  • Are you over the age of 25? - In general hangovers start around 25, intensify at 30, and become so agonizing at 35 that you would rather die than drink more than 1 or 2 shots.

If you can’t check off any of these boxes, then you need to get to the game. If you can check off these boxes, you need to slow down on the boozing, because your liver should still be keeping up.

Clemson Administration:

Path To Closure Of US Detention Center At Guantanamo Bay Still Uncertain
The Hill, 2018
Photo by John Moore/Getty Images

You need to stop acting like you can’t understand the concept of cause and effect. Seriously, just stop it. Stop trying to sell, “We just can’t find 10k students that want to attend a football game.” It’s simply not true. Your ticketing system is just busted and you can’t get tickets into the hands of the 10k+ students that actually want to attend the game.

Let me help you out:

Correct Cause and Effect:

Cause (or change): You messed with the ticketing system

Effect: Students stop coming to the game

Solution: Fix the ticketing system.

What the Clemson administration is selling:

Cause (or change): We made the ticket system “more fair.”

Effect: Students stop coming to the game.

Solution: IDK kids these days, am I right? Maybe we should squeeze some more money out of them.

Next Problem:

The Hill is empty at the start of the game, and sometimes remains empty.

Cause (or change): The Hill has more security than most nuclear sites.

Effect: Students don’t want to be on The Hill.

Solution: Return The Hill to its previous set up.

What the Clemson administation is selling:

Cause (or change): Just a little extra security, you know, some gates, fences, ticket scanners, razor wire, attack dogs..etc...no big deal.

Effect: Students don’t want to be on The Hill.

Solution: IDK, kids these days, am I right? Maybe we should squeeze some more money out to them.

In summary:

Students: Stop signing up for tickets you don’t plan to use you sniveling little brats.

Clemson Administration: Stop looking for solutions to non-existent problems and stop pretending like you’re stupid.

Now, on to Syracuse:

Dino Babers and the Jerk:

Pittsburgh v Syracuse
They told me they were going to fix the AC. Why do they always lie to me?
Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

At some point in our lives we’ve all known a girl (or guy, but I’m going with girl) like Dino Babers.

Dino is the smart, friendly, attractive girl that dates the jerk.

You go out to dinner with Dino and her jerk boyfriend, and it always ends with Dino leaving in tears after the boyfriend spends all night flirting with the waitress and talking about his hot ex.

You go out for drinks with Dino and the jerk, and after slamming 6 tequila shots in 5 minutes, the jerk is sloppy drunk and trying to start a fight with every guy in the bar, and Dino inevitably leaves in tears.

Every social event that Dino and her jerk boyfriend show up at immediately becomes an uncomfortable exercise in attempting to restrain yourself from laying hands on the boyfriend, while at the same time, attempting to reassure Dino.

After two months of avoiding Dino, she calls crying, asking why you don’t want to hang out with her anymore. It’s not because you don’t like Dino, it’s because of her jerk boyfriend.

Dino, I’m worried about your low self esteem. You don’t have to be with a team like Syracuse. Frankly, you deserve better. You’re a good coach with a solid track record, an exciting offense, and a winning personality. There are plenty of other good football programs that would gladly take you. Why do you insist on staying with Syracuse? We can’t hang out because that creepy Orange that follows you around got hammered a month ago and peed in the kitchen of our favorite bar, and now I’m not allowed to go back.

I don’t hate Dino Babers, I just hate the fact that his self esteem is so low, he thought coaching at jerky Syracuse was his only option.

The Airplane Hangar:

Middle Tennessee v Syracuse
The Syracuse team escapes from the boiler room with the rats in hot pursuit.
Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

Why does Syracuse insist on playing football in an airplane hangar? I understand that it gets cold in Yankee territory, but I thought standing outside in frigid temperatures was a Yankee point of pride. I always assumed that watching a Bills game shirtless in December was a right of passage for every Upstate New York male, but I guess the boys at Syracuse can’t handle a little weather and have to go inside and play football in their basketball arena. I’m honestly embarrassed for them.

Not having a sufficient amount of testosterone to play football outside as God intended is bad enough, but to have to share an “arena” with the shooty-hoops team is an abomination. Throw in the fact that the “arena” you share should have been condemned a decade ago, and you start to piece together why Syracuse is terrible at football.

The only valid use for that decrepit, run down stadium is for filming the next iteration of Eli Roth’s Hostel series. The Carrier Dome is a crap place to play sports, but I’m guessing it would make a great setting for a horror/torture flick. It’s dark, damp, dank, and inhabited by rats the size of terriers...so basically, like every other structure in New York.

While researching the Carrier Dome, I found an article from 6 years ago stating that Syracuse was going to put a new roof and an AC system into the Carrier Dome. It was a hopeful article with links to renderings that didn’t resemble a soviet era smelting plant.

I found an article from this year basically saying that everything was on hold and uh, yea, we weren’t really serious about any of the renovations, we just made some pretty drawings, and we certainly didn’t promise air conditioning. I’m assuming they just came up with the plan to con their way out of the Big East, with no actual intention of following through.

Clemson can find money to build an oculus, but Syracuse can’t figure out how to put a new roof on their decrepit football/basketball stadium.

Clemson totally rebuilt their shooty-hoops squeeky-shoes venue. Syracuse supposedly cares about shooty-hoops, but can’t be bothered to put AC in the arena.

I guess the condensation from the stank hot breath of 50K (for basketball games of course, they are lucky to bring in 35K for football) mouth breathing Yankees provides a home court/field advantage.

ACC Expansion:

Texas Rangers v. New York Yankees
Jim Boeheim is a close personal friend of mine.
Photo by Jason Szenes/Getty Images

How did anyone think adding Syracuse to the ACC was a winning idea? We all knew John Swofford was a self serving stooge, but it turns out, he’s also an idiot.

Out of all the schools added to the ACC, Syracuse is the worst (with Louisville coming in a close second) .

The basketball program is run by one of the most insufferable, boorish Yankees on planet, who isn’t very good at not cheating. In fact, with Slick Rick getting the axe at the aforementioned Louisville, Jim Boeheim moves to the top of my list of ACC coaches I would not be comfortable buying a used car from.

Since joining the ACC in 2013, Syracuse and Boeheim have been forced to vacate 108 wins, and have been placed on 5 years probation. Boeheim was also personally suspended for 9 ACC games for failing to monitor the basketball program.

The football program was also placed on five years probation and had to forfeit 11 wins (3 seasons worth of wins). Since joining the ACC, Syracuse has a record of 18-31, and are currently 3-3 including a home loss to Middle Tennessee State. They did manage to knock off an abysmal 3-4 Pitt team last week to give them their first Power 5 win of the year. I would be shocked if ‘Cuse manages to crack the 5 win plateau this season. Looking at their schedule, Wake and B.C. are the only remaining games they might have a shot at winning. Poor Dino, I hope he gets out soon.

In short, by adding Syracuse, the ACC added a bunch of basketball embarrassment and a terrible football team. Add in their garbage facilities and the ACC should be looking into conference realignment lemon laws, or at least be trying to get store credit for an obviously defective Syracuse athletics program.

Friday Night College Football:

NCAA Men's Final Four - Practice
Sorry Dino, we’ve got shooty hoops picture day scheduled for Saturday. You can have Friday night if you want it.
Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

What sort of Yankee joke bull crap is this? College football is played on Saturday and high school football is played on Friday. That is the right and true way of the world. Sure, we’ll let the occasional Thursday night game creep onto the schedule, but at least that’s not in direct competition with high school football. This is another in a long line of stupid Tobacco Road decisions that ignore the importance of high school and college football in south. I am certain Swofford and Boeheim conspired impose this stupid Friday night game on Clemson out of pure spite.

Clemson is playing a conference game on Friday night in a basketball arena in New York. I’m almost certain this was foretold in The Book of Revelations. None of this makes any sense, and the more I stare into this abyss, the further this abyss stares into me. In a world of chaos, I expect college football to at least provide some semblance of order, and honestly, I’m shook. I went out and stocked up on milk, bread, booze and batteries today, because I’m almost certain this is a harbinger of impending doom.

I honestly can’t think of one positive for playing on a Friday night. Only Clemson fans will be watching this game, and now they’re going to have to choose between Friday Night Lights, and what should be another craptastic blowout, where Clemson plays football for a quarter and then coasts to the end. I’m assuming everyone has been saving up their data this month so they can stream the game on their phones while watching high school football.

Our Tobacco Road Overlords have conspired with the Yankees to ruin this football weekend. I’m more than a little upset.