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NCAA FOOTBALL: DEC 31 CFP Semifinal - Peach Bowl - Washington v Alabama Photo by Scott Donaldson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time. Clemson once again stands at the last base-camp and is preparing to race Bama to the top of the mountain. Last year, we had the zenith within reach, but Bama snagged our belt loop, pulled us down, stepped on our head, and beat us to the top by a fingertip. We’re back, and we’re ready for revenge.

Clemson comes into the game off a great performance against an obviously terrible OSU team. Sure, OSU was favored and had Urban Meyer and all that noise, but after the game, in retrospect, OSU was garbage and Clemson should get no credit for destroying them in biblical fashion.

The important thing we need to discuss is Christian Wilkins tickling some OSU giblets. I’ll admit, I was a little rear ended by this controversy. Yes, we wrecked ‘em on the field, but I’m groping for a way to defend Wilkins. This controversy is going to be a hard one to wipe off, and Ben Boulware acting like a complete butt hole in his defense of Wilkins isn’t helpful. I’m just worried that this tainted victory left a skid mark on the Clemson season, and Wilkins and Boulware are going to be the butt of every joke leading up to the big game. I just hope we put this behind us.

Bama comes into the game after their slow destruction of Washington. In typical Bama fashion, I dozed off midway through the second quarter, woke up at the start of the 4th quarter, and promptly fell back into a coma after watching some truly horrific offensive football that every Bama fan will claim is the pinnacle of sport. Bama is good, Bama is boring, but I promise, I’m going to make it through my second ever Bama game without drifting off on Monday night. Now lets get to the hate.

Saban’s Secret:

Nick Saban is great college football coach. Even the most partisan Auburn fan would have to begrudgingly acquiesce to that statement, but I’m not scared of Saban. I know Nick’s dark coaching secret…Purdue and Joe Tiller own Nick Saban.

1995 – Purdue 35 – Michigan St. 35

1996 – Purdue 14 – Michigan St. 52

1997 – Purdue 22 – Michigan St. 21

1998 – Purdue 25 – Michigan St. 24

1999 – Purdue 52 – Michigan St. 28

That’s right; Purdue is 3-1-1 against Saban coached teams. I ask you, can the so-called “greatest college football coach in the history of time and space” have a losing record against Purdue? I have it on good authority that Saban left the Big10 for the SEC because he was afraid of Purdue. Nick knew that with Joe Tiller and the Boilermakers standing in the way, he would never achieve his goal of college football domination. To this very day, Saban fears the Boilermakers, and refuses to schedule Purdue, opting instead for Big10 pushovers like Wisconsin.

When someone brings up Nick Saban you no longer have to look at the floor and mumble. You don’t have grudgingly agree that he is the best coach in the history of college. You can stand up straight and say, “Nick Saban? Purdue owns him,” and then walk away with a smug smile on your face.

Below: That look you get right before you get smoked by Purdue

Nick Saban

The Bammer Fan:

If you went to Bama and are a die-hard Bama fan, this section isn’t about you; I’m talking to the other 95% of Bama fans. In the closet of every bandwagon Bammer fan you’ll find the following articles of clothing:

1. A dusty Yankees hat

2. A new Cubs hat

3. A reversible Duke / Kentucky basketball jersey

4. An old Cleveland Lebron jersey

5. An old Miami Lebron jersey

6. A new Cleveland Lebron jersey

7. A Steph Curry jersey (just in case)

8. A Tom Brady jersey

9. A Dak Prescott jersey

10. A Ronaldo jersey

11. A Messi jersey

12. A Crosby jersey

13. An Ovechkin jersey

14. A dusty Oregon Football hat

15. A moth-eaten Texas Longhorns jersey

These front-runner bandwagon fans (otherwise known as Drake fans) are joined by an overwhelming contingent of USCe fans. Known as the Bama Big Brother Fans, these poor souls support a team so historically bad that they must latch onto another team in order to find any football self-worth. It’s rumored that at South Carolina graduation, Alabama’s alma mater is played to close the “ceremony” (which I’m told also involves a chili dog eating contest and a sack race).

In Columbia, I’m often met with the phrase, “here’s your change…Roll Tide”. There are many toothless dogs in the mid state, because USCe fans have yet to grasp the idea of “houndstooth” and keep hot gluing dogs’ teeth onto their ever-present “COCKS” hat.

Real Bama fans, I get it, you love your school, but if you could please shake off the hangers on, coat tail riders, and in the case of the Bama Big Brother Fans, dingle berries, that make up the majority of your fan base I would have much more respect for you.


NCAA FOOTBALL: SEP 01 South Carolina at Vanderbilt Photo by Jamie Gilliam/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Crimson Tide (ROW TIE)/Elephants

“The Crimson Tide” is the nickname most Bama fans associate with and is also a euphemism for menstruation. The Crimson Tide is tied with the slogan “Roll Tide” which always comes out sounding like “ROW TIE” by true Bama fans.

ROW TIE is required to be yelled on every perp walk televised in the state of Alabama. Put a camera on any soon to be convicted felon in Alabama and “ROW TIE” falls out of their mouth involuntarily.

95% of all accidents in the state of Alabama that lead to a loss of an eye or a testicle start with the exclamation “ROW TIE” followed by a deep drag off a Pall Mall. Basically, when you hear “ROW TIE” outside of confines of Bryant-Denny stadium, it’s best to evacuate the area, because some seriously stupid stuff is about to go down.

I’m fairly certain the elephant is the actual Alabama mascot. I actually feel bad for Big Al the Elephant; he’s one of the more original mascots in college sports, but he gets no respect. It’s all ROW TIE this and ROW TIE that, and a pachyderm can’t get any love. Most Drake and Big Brother fans have no idea that an elephant is in any way associated with Alabama, and will attempt to fight you if try and convince them otherwise.

The 5% of actual Bama fans know about Big Al, but choose to ignore him for the more en vogue ROW TIE. I think Big Al should leave Alabama and find a new team that loves and respects him. You don’t have to take this Big Al, you don’t have to stay with a team that doesn’t love and respect you. I suggest moving with Lane to F.A.U. and starting over.

Below: Why is that elephant wearing a Bama jersey? ROOOOOW TIE!

Florida v Alabama

Fantasy Football:

Raise your hand if an Alabama running back has ruined your fantasy football season…. that appears to be everyone except Bob in the back, and he’s a loser with no friends. Bama continually pumps out National Championships and dud fantasy running backs. I actually got lucky and drafted Mark “Bad Toe” Ingram in my keeper league as a rookie, and he is the only non-garbage Bama running back in the league today.

Let’s take a look at Bama back production this season in ESPN standard format:

Mark Ingram: 132 pts

Trent Richardson: Lol

Eddie Lacy: 19.4 and a free Golden Corral coupon

T.J. Yeldon: 50.9

Kenyan Drake: 29.3

Derrick Henry: 61.4

I know, I know, all of these Bama backs look so tempting when you’re drafting. You remember them steam rolling SEC defenders and just know, “this is the break out year, and I’m rolling the dice.”

Sadly, you’re always going to be wrong. It turns out Bama backs need a 5-yard wide hole and at least 5 yards of acceleration before they can function. This season Bama backs led the league in trucking their own pulling guards and falling within 2 yards of the line.

Bama backs also spend a majority of their season injured or fat. I know more about Mark Ingram’s big toe than I know about my own big toe. Trent Richardson ate himself out of the league. Eddie Lacy was put on injured reserve (again) and is attempting to eat himself out of the league. T.J. Yeldon is currently on injured reserve, but almost made it a full season as a back up tailback. Kenyan Drake touches the ball once every two games as a running back because his hamstring pulls when he gets out of bed in the morning. Derrick Henry almost made it through the season as a back-up running back, but pulled his calf in pregame warm-ups for the San Diego game.

In summary, don’t draft Alabama running backs, what they lack in durability they make up for in garbage production. You’ve been warned. Don’t come crying to me when you draft Eddie Lacy in the first round again next year and he tears up his knee slipping on a jelly donut in preseason camp.

Below: Eddie Lacy, on the hunt for Krispy Kreme

New York Giants v Green Bay Packers Photo by Dylan Buell/Getty Images

The Chink in the Armor:

Nick Saban is slipping, and Lane Kiffin and Steve Sarkisian are the proof. You see, Nick is a big picture type of guy. He hires assistants not only based on their coaching acumen, but also their ability to infiltrate the SEC East and fail miserably.

He has managed to land head coaching luminary Derek Dooley in Tennessee, and set the Volunteers back at least a decade. Dooley was so bad that Tennessee has almost talked its self into Butch Jones being a competent football coach.

He sent protégé Will Muschamp down to Florida and turned the Gators into one of the most unwatchable, offensively inept, teams in the history of college football. How do you stop an offensive roster full of 4 and 5* talent from Florida? Hire Will Muschamp to coach them.

Saban then doubled up on Florida when he sent Jim McElwain to “fix” the offense mess Muschamp left. This “fix” has materialized into more pathetic offense starring cast-offs from other programs starting at quarterback. Saban wants Florida good enough to win the SEC East, but terrible enough to not pose any sort of threat to his SEC dominance.

Nick continued his sabotage of the SEC East by sending Kirby Smart to Georgia. Kirby in turn figured out how to lose to Vanderbilt in Athens, while treating his players like little cogs in his want-to-be-Alabama-but-Nick-didn’t-tell-me-enough-of-the-secrets machine. Georgia has enough in-state talent to threaten Bama, but has a coach just bad and smarmy enough to prevent that from happening.

Finally, Nick turned his sights on South Carolina and sent them a recycled Will Muschamp to ensure that the perennial cellar dwellers remain locked in the basement. Will Muschamp is the Alabama coaching gift that keeps on giving for Nick.

How do all these coaching failures tie back into Kiffin and Sark, and how do they indicate a chink in the armor? Simple, both Kiffin and Sark are both unhirable. Saban’s got a job opening in Tennessee coming up, and he’s going to have to push hard for Jeremy Pruit, and I just don’t see it.

Tennessee hates Kiffin almost as much as they hate basic hygiene and Kiffin is so toxic that not even Missouri was willing to roll the dice on a guy fired by the Oakland Raiders for a lack of integrity, had to be evacuated from the Tennessee campus facing an angry mob, and was fired on the runway at USC. Kiffin is going to have to take his circus sideshow of co-ed copulating and NCAA violations to Florida Atlantic, and that in no way benefits Nick.

Sark is going to need at least a few more years of image repair before he can head out and ruin another SEC East school, so that’s no helpful either. It’s really up to Jeremy Pruit, and Tennessee, or especially Missouri, might be that gullible, but I’m not so sure. Nick’s worst nightmare is for Tennessee to actually remember that they are a blue-blood football program and hire an actual head coach. Nick sleeps easy at night right now knowing he only has to score 14 points in the SEC Championship win the title, and that could change with a resurgent Volunteer program.

Saban is cracking, so desperate to drag his offense into the new millennium that he hired two unhirable offensive coordinators, and while I thank him for ensuring South Carolina remains a dumpster fire fueled by dirty diapers and dog vomit, I hate him and I hate Bama for making college football in the SEC unwatchable.

Below: FAU Lane? You couldn’t at least land Missouri?

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl - Washington v Alabama Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images