Disclaimer: The Views Represented in the Post are Drewtigeralum’s Alone, and They Really Aren’t Even His Actual Views Most of the Time. This Is Supposed to be Funny...
It’s that time of week. It’s time to hate, and ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got so much hate in my heart for Louisville, I’ve just got to let it out. The Tigers return home licking their wounds after a disappointing win over Georgia Tech in Atlanta. Sure, Clemson dominated Tech on the scoreboard and the stat sheet, and Tech never had a shot to actually win the game, but Clemson is held to a higher standard than just dominating every phase of the game. Anyway, Louisville makes the trip over the mountains and into Death Valley, where a rabid pack of Tigers look to swallow the little red birds whole and poop out the feathers at some later date. I’m limiting myself to my 5 most virulent hates, so let’s get to the hating before my heart explodes.
Bobby “Road Rash” Petrino: Bobby Petrino is a slime ball only eclipsed in sliminess by Rick “Italian Diner” Pitino, luckily they share a college campus. Petrino broke up with the Cards once for the Falcons, broke up with the Falcons midseason via post-it-note, went to Arkansas, and then crashed his hog and his mistress into a ditch. He begged Western Kentucky to give him a second chance, they did, and he burned them as soon as something better came along. He crawled back to Louisville and was taken in because even though he cheated on them, Louisville knows they can’t do any better. Bobby Petrino is the type of guy that hits on your wife in front of you and then pretends like he was “just joking around”. He’s the kind of guy that borrows your lawn mower and returns it with no gas. When you get up to go to the bathroom, Bobby Petrino drinks the rest of your beer, downs the remains of your burger and fries, and walks out before you return. He’s the scuzzy coworker you see out with another woman when you know he’s married and his wife is sitting at home with the two kids while he is “working late at the office”. I hate Bobby Petrino and I’m pretty sure most people outside of Louisville do as well. (We all know what Petrino image I want to use, but it’s not in the photo bank at my disposal)
Weak Mascot: Seriously, you picked a small bird as your mascot? Are we supposed to fear a mascot that subsists on seeds and weighs less than an ounce? The worst thing a cardinal can do is take a dump on your freshly washed car. We don’t even need a tiger to take care of them, I can just let my fat, lazy house cat outside and he’ll return with the battered carcass of a small red bird. I mean, seriously, I think I would take an angry barnyard chicken over the meek little Cardinal. Couldn’t they have at least gone with a mockingbird, those suckers are mean. Anyway, a small bird is a terrible mascot and I hate it.
Papa Johns is Hot Garbage: Seriously, they play in a stadium named after a sub-par delivery pizza. Can you imagine the shame you would feel if Clemson played in Papa Johns Stadium. I can hear it the PA announcer now, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Clemson Proudly Welcomes You To Papa Johns Stadium! Our Cheese is Always Cold and the Toppings Always Scant!” Papa Johns is the place you call when you are drunk at 3a.m. because they know every other place in town closes at 2 and that extra hour is the only way they can sell pizza. No one has ever eaten Papa Johns and then said, “man, that was a solid life decision, I have no regrets or searing heartburn after eating that”. I hate Papa Johns, and if you have any self-respect, or are at the age where you have developed taste buds, you do as well.
Bulletin Board Material … aka The “L” seen round the Ville: Louisville fans got all butt-hurt about Deshaun Watson flashing the “L” during the Georgia Tech game. First of all, Watson was flashing the “L” for Shawty Low (R.I.P.) and not because Clemson is scheduled to play a team from a basketball school in a week. Second, if you need “bulletin board material” to get up for a top ten match-up, with College Game Day on campus, in front of one of the most hostile crowds in the nation, with an easy road to the ACC Championship game and possible College Football Playoffs on the line, well…you probably shouldn’t be playing any sport. “Bulletin Board Material” is the dumbest trope in sports and I hate it.
Leapin’ Lamar Jackson: EEERRRR MAAAAAA GEEEEERRRRRDDDD did you see Lamar Jackson jump over that Syracuse defender? I mean, you’ve got to give him the Heisman right now, just wrap it up, it’s all over; he’s the best in the ultraverse. Orrrrr. …maybe…. he just jumped over a bad defender on a bad defense. Look, I can jump over my toddler, and she is probably a better tackler than the poor kid Syracuse conned into playing for them. Furthermore, sure, he put up big numbers against Florida St (the only team they’ve played with a pulse) but please consider that Ole Miss put up 35 and South Florida put up 34 on the Noles. It kind of looks like FSU just has a bad defense this year. Look, I’m sure Lamar Jackson is an excellent running back who occasionally attempts to throw the ball, but enough is enough, I hope and pray that he attempts to jump over Jadar Johnson.