We get to fire up the hate machine a little early this week as the Tigers, fresh off of neutering South Carolina State, head into Atlanta on Thursday night to face the a socially awkward Georgia Tech team. Any seasoned Clemson fan snarls their lip when Georgia Tech is mentioned, but it’s always good to freshen up the hate a little for such an important road tilt. I could probably put together a novel of hate on Georgia Tech, or I could just insert a photo of Paul Johnson and be done with it, but I think I’ve come to a happy medium of 10 reasons to loathe Georgia’s little brother.
Paul F’ing Johnson: Just look at him. Look at that smug face. He thinks he’s better than you, he thinks he’s smarter than you, and he probably hates your grandmother’s cooking. He’s the guy that sits alone at a party thinking about how much cooler he is than everyone else. He’s also the guy that walks out of the same party and call the cops on it because everyone inside is too stupid to recognize his awesomeness. He’s the guy that creates a rolling road block by getting into the fast lane and riding directly beside the semi in the slow lane because he hates progress and has nowhere important to be. Paul Johnson cooks his beef tenderloin to well done and then covers in ketchup because that’s just how he rolls. Most importantly, Paul Johnson runs an antiquated offense predicated on taking out knees and boring a secondary into making a mistake. I’ll stop now, because I could continue on for several pages, but please feel free to continue in the comments.
Cursed Field: I’m certain Bobby Dodd at “historic” Grant Field is built upon a Native American burial ground and you can’t convince me otherwise. The last time Clemson was forced to play on the abomination Georgia Tech calls a field I watched the actual turf blow out Deshaun’s knee and then, just to show how truly evil it is, snap a Tech players lower leg in half. I hate that field; it’s dangerous and evil and needs to be destroyed with fire.
Yellow Jackets: I can close my eyes and imagine how a yellow jacket came to be Georgia Tech’s mascot.
Bob: We need something the captures the spirit of our school.
Bill: You mean viciously annoying yet easy to destroy?
Bill: How about a yellow jacket. Everyone hates yellow jackets.
The yellow jacket is a mean little creature that hides in a hole and then attacks unsuspecting victim en masse. Once their lair is discovered, a can bug spray generally solves the problem, but a can of gas and a match is much more satisfying. I hate yellow jackets and I expect Clemson to bring out the gas can and matches on Thursday night.
Chop Blocks…I mean Cut Blocks: Of all the cowardly ways to play football, running an offense that requires offensive linemen to belly flop at the defenders knees has to top the list. “Cut Blocking” is legal, but you’ll see a ton of uncalled chop blocks on by Tech as well. I guess if the refs are only going to call it 1 out of 10 times, you might as well go for it. I hate “cut blocking” and I hope Dex squishes the first yellow jacket that tries to cut him like the bugs they are.
Win it for Geoff and Cole: In classic Tommy Bowden fashion, Clemson suffered an epic collapse against Georgia Tech in 2004. In a move that surprised no one, Georgia Tech scored a late touchdown, Clemson had a chance to run the ball out on offense, got super conservative, and decided to try to win the game with a punt. Geoff Rigsby snapped a grounder back to Cole Chason, Tech got the ball in the redzone, threw a fade to Calvin Johnson and won the game. I hated that game, and I hated it for Rigsby and Cole.
Atlanta Traffic: Planning on going to the game? You should have left 3 hours ago if you’re planning on getting there by Thursday night. Sorry, your exit is under construction and yes, the idiot in the late model Lexus is going to cut in front of you, slam on his brakes, and then give you the finger. I hate Atlanta traffic.
Drinking in Atlanta: My wife and I went to the Chic-Fil-A Bowl with a few friends. After defeating the Swamp Kittens, we decided to keep the party rolling. I bought a round of shots and a bucket of beers and waited for what I assumed was going to be a hefty 50-dollar bar tab. When the bar tender returned with my 110-dollar tab I almost had a stroke. I hate drinking in Atlanta. I don’t understand the surcharge required to stand in a crappy bar, with crappy service, and drink the same booze I can get in Clemson for ¼ of the price.
Walt Deptuala: It’s rumored that Walt has Paul Johnson’s face tattooed on his lower back. I haven’t seen it, but that’s what people are saying. You want to hate Paul Johnson more? Just listen to Walt slobber all over him on the radio for a few minutes. You’ll hate him more than Will Muschamp hates offense. (Note: Walt has the picture below in his office, except he has his face pasted over Dabo’s.)
Upset Alert: Granted, every time we play any team with a pulse we are on “upset alert” but I actually think some “pundits” or whatever they are called think Tech might actually beat us this year based on their dismantling of a hapless Vandy team. I hate the smug look on random ESPN talking head guy’s face while they talk about Tech beating Clemson on Thursday.
Tech Fans: Is there a more socially awkward collection of “nerds” in college athletics? Maybe, but dear God, I don’t want to meet them. Seeing them on television gives me that “I know I shouldn’t be laughing, they can’t help it” sort of feeling, and I hate that feeling.