Clemson football is finally here, and we have some business to attend to Saturday night. We must leave God’s country and head to they barren plains of Alabama, where a villainous Auburn team lies in wait, hoping to derail our National Championship aspirations. I’m just going to lay this out for everyone right now, I really hate Auburn. I could probably write a 30 page treatise on my Auburn hatred, but I don’t have that sort of time at the moment. I will, however, help you out by naming the top 10 reasons why I loathe Auburn, and why you should as well.
1. Gus Freaking Malzahn – The luckiest man in the history of college football. He keeps his cheeks clenched tight so his lucky horseshoe doesn’t fall out.
2. Boom Stench – He’s gone, but the potent aroma of Old Spice and mediocrity still linger in Jordan Hare.
3. Kevin Steele – Kevin Steele made my wife throw a large storage container and say many terrible things during the Orange Bowl.
4. The “real” Tigers - Yes, a long time ago we took something average from Auburn and vastly improved upon it, that doesn’t make them the “real” Tigers. If anything, that makes them the obsolete Tigers.
5. Kyle Parker – Win this one for Kyle Parker’s back and ribs.
6. Cam Newton – Possibly the shadiest player to ever win a Heisman. He got kicked out of Florida, but Aaron Hernandez managed to hang around for 3 years. That should tell you something.
7. Gene Chizik – How Gene Chizik has a National Championship on his resume will go down as one of the great mysteries of modern man.
8. Two Mascots – Are you a Tiger or are you and Eagle? You can’t be both.
9. SEC, SEC, SEC – I live in SEC country….and I just vomited in mouth after typing that.
10. Strength of Schedule – We scheduled Auburn as a marquee game, instead we get a 7-6 team no one cares about.