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Virginia Tech: Hokie, Hokie, HATE

Allstate Sugar Bowl - Michigan v Virginia Tech

I’m a day late on the hate this week, but honestly, I needed an extra day to recharge the hate batteries after emptying them out on Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday, and even most of Tuesday on the J.V. middle school team in the middle of the state. Every time I tried to write this article, it inevitably ended with a 2 page unhinged rant on USCe followed by a rage walk around the block and a sedative. So, let me get this out of the way in 3 sentences and be done with it.

USCjr got their feeling hurt and they are currently throwing a media assisted temper tantrum. I hope they have next year’s game circled, possibly circled 3 or 4 times, because they forgot to show up on Saturday, or maybe they did show up and they are that bad, it’s hard to tell. If they feel “disrespected” hopefully they will show a little fight before they roll over and die next year….ok, I’m done.

Clemson and Virginia Tech are set to clash in Orlando for the ACC title. Clemson comes into this game on a disrespectful note after hurting feelings in their rivalry game with SCAR. The Tigers were extremely mean to USCjr and should sit in the corner and think about what they’ve done. Some teams don’t have what Clemson has, and they should still be treated with respect even if they are terrible at football but run their mouths like a 5-year-old hiding behind in his mother’s skirt (I thought I was done, but this time I am really done). Virginia Tech enters the game after a similar dismantling of Virginia, but Virginia is at least man enough to accept their beating and move on with being terrible. The Hokies are looking to add to Clemson’s misery after a crushingly disappointing 11-1 season. The Tigers are still looking to rebound and salvage the #2 or #3 spot in the College Football Playoff Rankings. It should be an interesting game, now let’s get to the hate.

Justin “Not Frank Beamer” Fuente: What is there to hate about Justin Fuente? He seems like a nice guy. Sure, I mean, he seeeeems O.K., but let’s dig a little deeper. Justin Fuente just won ACC coach of the year, an award that rightfully belongs to Dabo Swinney. Justin Fuente figured out a way to lose to Syracuse, and only score 17 points in the process. He figured out a way to be physically dominated by an average, at best, Georgia Tech team. You lose to Syracuse, you’re not coach of the year. That should be a rule. Virginia Tech should be a 1-loss team (with that loss being to the pre-train wreck Tennessee) looking for a spot in the college playoffs. This should be a game that boosts Clemson’s resume and ensures it the #2 spot in the CFP. Instead, Clemson has to play a team that couldn’t figure out how to beat Syracuse. If Justin has any sense of morality, instead of a pre-game handshake, he will present Dabo with the Coach of the Year trophy, and beg for forgiveness. Virginia Tech, unlike USCjr, is a proud program full of tradition, and should not accept getting a pat on the head from the ACC for not being completely terrible. Fuente basically won this award because he’s not Frank “3 points is enough to win” Beamer. Have some pride Justin, hand over this award to its rightful owner and beat teams like Syracuse next year…it’s really not that hard.

Justin Fuente is the guy your sister brings home after dating a guy with facial tattoos and a couple felonies. He’s the SCAR fan with a full set of teeth and a steady job. He is whoever is going to replace John Swofford. Basically, he got a reward because he isn’t depressingly bad, and I hate that.

Below: Justin Fuente, ACC Coach of the Year, caused this...unbelievable.

Virginia Tech v Syracuse Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

Enter Sandman: Buuuut, buuuut, Drew Schneider@drewtigeralum (twitter plug) ‘Enter Sandman’ is super awesome. It sends chills down my spine. I clutch my pillow tight when I hear it. You can’t hate on ‘Enter Sandman’! Folks, ‘Enter Sandman’ is basically a snuff film. When you hear it, just know, you are listening to the death of Metallica. Sure, “The Black Album” is pretty good, but just know, “The Black Album” is the impetuous for every garbage Metallica album that has come out since. You want Metallica, listen to “Kill Em’ All”, “Ride The Lightning”, “Master of Puppets”, or “…And Justice For All”. That was righteous metal. Before “The Black Album” and “Enter Sandman” Metallica were a bunch of bad ass dudes with long hair ready to assault your ear drums with speed metal guitar, crunching bass-lines, snarling lyrics, and devastating drumming. After “The Black Album,” Metallica was a bunch of dudes wearing velvet suits with gelled hair putting out barely better than Nickelback albums complaining about Napster. Sure, “Enter Sandman” might be O.K., but it killed Metallica, and I really liked Metallica…and for that, I hate it.

Below: Enter Sandman caused this.

Premiere Of 'Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster'

“The Hokie”: According to Virginia Tech’s website. A Hokie has nothing to do with a turkey, and is actually just a nonsense rhyming word used in the “spirit yell” contest winner from 1865:

Hoki, Hoki, Hoki, Hy.

Techs, Techs, V.P.I.

Sola-Rex, Sola-Rah.

Polytechs - Vir-gin-ia.

Rae, Ri, V.P.I.

If this “yell” wasn’t hokey enough (or that pun), Tech decided to go with a turkey as their mascot, and then decided to name it Hokie. I’ll give them credit, having a turkey as a mascot is unique, but then again, people who replace random vowels with “y”s (sorry if you’re one of those people) also think they are being unique, and that just ends up with Mykylyia and Styvyn.

Look, in the end, Tech has a bird featured on my Thanksgiving table as a mascot. I’m really just sick of bird mascots. We’ve faced a cardinal, an eagle, a gamecock, and now…a turkey. While the eagle remained dignified in defeat, the cardinal and gamecock continue to run around headless, spreading feces all over the Internet, after being dispatched by the Tigers. The Turkey is a stupid mascot, and at this point, I hate all bird mascots.

Below: I don’t, I can’t even, I’m just glad that’s not our mascot.

Russell Athletic Bowl - Rutgers v Virginia Tech Photo by J. Meric/Getty Images

They Are in Our Way: This is really all it boils down to folks. Virginia Tech is in our way. I want nothing more than for Clemson to have a shot to shut everyone up. I want a chance to boat race Ohio State and their anemic, one-dimensional offense, and get another shot to knock off Bama. I want to shut up all of the talking heads that say Clemson “doesn’t pass the eye test” or “has been disappointing this year”. I want Booger McFarland to beg Deshaun Watson for forgiveness for even mentioning him in the same sentence as Jake Bentley. I want USCjr fans to have to live with the fact that Clemson won the National Championship again. Virginia Tech is the car driving 10 miles an hour under the speed limit in the passing lane. They are the combine you get behind on a 2 lane road. They are the lego on the floor. They are the corner of the dresser. They only want to cause us pain and frustration, and for that, I hate them.

Below: Virginia Tech in one image.

New Study Finds New England's Forests Threatened By Development Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Mike Vick: I normally try and keep this light and funny, but Mike Vick is one of the biggest pieces of human garbage walking around today, and that’s pretty impressive. Don’t give me the “he’s reformed” or “he donated money” or “he did his time” bs. Mike Vick is a sociopath who has figured out how to act like a normal human on occasion.

My wife and I foster injured and neglected pit bulls so we get a first hand look at the horrors of dog fighting. Ever seen a dog with its nose intentionally ripped off and its teeth filed down to nubs so it can be a bait dog? I have. Have you ever seen a family pet kidnapped, muzzled, tied to a post and attacked by other dogs? I have. Can you imagine someone capable of hanging a dog or drowning a dog in 5-gallon bucket? Mike Vick did that, personally did that, with his own hands.

I get it though; Virginia Tech was involved with Mike Vick the football player. Clemson has had a few former players disgrace themselves. I’m sure once he was arrested and convicted of running a dog-fighting ring; Virginia Tech football took a big step away.

Wait, they didn’t do that? They opened up their arms and welcomed him back like a conquering hero? They were cool with a guy who admittedly enjoyed watching dogs being tortured and killed hanging out and talking with their team? They didn’t think hanging and drowning dogs was a deal breaker? Nope, you can’t convince me to do anything other than hate them.

Below: A dog from Vick’s kennel that he didn’t get around to killing.

Update: I’ve received some blowback from some V. Tech people on this one already. I just want to clear up that V. Tech football (which this joke article is about) embraces Mike Vick (per the article) while many alums think he is a terrible person still.

2008 Summer TCA Tour - Day 2 Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images