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Pittsburgh? No Chill...None

NCAA Football: Georgia Tech at Pittsburgh Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Wednesday, and I must admit, the hate wasn’t really flowing in the manner I’ve become accustomed. After the high of hating on Syracuse and the subsequent smug head nods that accompanied the epic beat down, I have a hard time caring about a middling Pitt team with apathetic (or non-existent) fans. This, however, is what these uninspiring basketball schools want. They want us to care so little that we overlook them. They want their own apathy to wash over us and then, boom; they get a bunch of crazy bounces and win. Don’t fall into this trap Clemson fans. I am grinding my teeth just thinking about Pitt. It’s time to get to hating, join me friends.

Clemson comes into this game after an embarrassing display against Syracuse. First, Clemson knocked out the Syracuse QB on a tackle that every Syracuse, South Carolina, and Louisville fan will tell you was vicious missed targeting call that deserved a season long suspension and possible criminal charges (it wasn’t). Then Ben Boulware attempted to stop a player from gaining extra yards / murder a player by utilizing a belly-to back-suplex. This sent Cuse, Ville, and SCAR fans into another twitter meltdown demanding the immediate arrest and deportation of Boulware to outer Mongolia. Finally, up 54-0 our 4th string quarterback completed a pass to our …. I don’t know … 12th string receiver and ROTC member on military appreciation day, which drew howls of protest from “Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician” because feelings were hurt, severely hurt. Clemson managed to hurt the feelings of 3 separate fan bases in an otherwise uneventful (other than Watson getting a boo-boo on his shoulder) game. Dabo has been searching for the perfect fruit basket to send to Syracuse, Louisville, and South Carolina in an attempt to apologize for Clemson’s blatant lack of regard for their delicate feelings.

The Pittsburgh Panthers limp into Death Valley with several tranquilizer darts stuck in their backside. They somehow managed to give up 51 points to a moribund Miami team, which, in a sense, is an accomplishment I guess. The Tigers are primed to dispatch their injured feline brethren quickly and humanely as long at the Panthers don’t struggle too much. Trust me Pitt, it’s best to pull a Syracuse and quit early, it hurts less that way. Now, let’s get to hurting feelings.

Pat “Nard Dawg” Narduzzi: Pat Narduzzi had a good run at Michigan St. He put together a stifling defense, capable of holding even the most efficient 3-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust Big10 team to 2.5 yards. This earned him the opportunity to coach a team in a conference that actually believes in the forward pass, and it’s been quite the adjustment. Narduzzi constantly locks up his beleaguered defensive backs on the other team’s outside receivers in order to stack the box, Big10 style. It hasn’t worked well for the Nard Dawg; however, he’s yet to actually notice because he spends every defensive play in a Muschamp-esque level of mouth frothing rage. A Pitt defensive back could pull out a tire iron and club a receiver in the knee and Narduzzi would reach orgasmic levels of rage at the official for throwing a flag.

Pat, Nard Dawg, bro, broski…I know you’re reading this, and we need to have a quick chat. You’ve got to calm down, my dude, or you’re going to burst an artery over an obvious defensive holding call. This isn’t the Big10; grabbing receivers and riding them down the field like ponies is pass interference or, at least, holding. No matter how many different shades of red or purple you turn, it’s still a penalty. I get it, you want your players to be “Big10 tough”—or whatever you call committing numerous penalties on every play—but if you’re going to play like that, you’re going to get called for an occasional penalty. If you’re going to hold, have your offensive linemen do it instead of your defensive backs. In the ACC the officials are only allowed to call twsao offensive holding calls a game. I get it, I really do, I occasionally rant and scream at the television when the ACC refs obviously botch a call, but I don’t keep up a game long tantrum. It’s not healthy man, you need to R E L A X.

Pat Narduzzi is the dad at the peewee football game that spends the entire game screaming at 10-year-olds to “BE A MAN” and storms the field if the volunteer refs miss an illegal shift or a lineman downfield. Narduzzi will demand to see the manager because his medium-rare steak is “a little pink in the middle”. Narduzzi sits in his front yard and screams at the neighborhood kids to “get off his property” when they walk by on the sidewalk. Basically, Nard Dawg has no chill, and we all need some chill, therefore, I hate him.

Below: Ref: Pat, uhm, the call was on the other team. Pat: RAAAAAAAAAGE

NCAA Football: Miami at Pittsburgh Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Disappointment: When I heard Pitt was joining the ACC I thought, “OK, they have a decent basketball team and care about football, this makes sense.” Pittsburgh, I feel like I’ve been deceived. It turns out you guys can’t keep a coach because no one really cares about Pittsburgh athletics. Todd Graham ditched you guys for Arizona St. ...that’s like an ugly chick dumping you for her half-brother. Then Paul Chryst used you for his starter wife before heading back to the friendly confines of Wisconsin. Finally, the entire “Purduzzi” thing went down, and I actually believed it might be true because it’s not like you guys haven’t been dumped before. Pittsburgh was the home of Mike Ditka, Tony Dorsett, Dan Marino, and Larry Fitzgerald and Todd Graham ditched you for Arizona F’ing St. If losing football coaches to seemingly lateral jobs every year wasn’t bad enough, you guys had to go and lose Jamie Dixon to TCU. I mean what the hell guys, I didn’t even know TCU had a basketball team, and I’m willing to bet ¾ of the student body at TCU have no idea either. Then you went and hired an old guy who couldn’t win consistently in the SEC to try and win in the ACC. I’m just so disappointed in you and I hate disappointment.

Below: ASU...wants me? Fist pump, I’m outta this dump

South Florida v Pittsburgh Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

Larry Fitzgerald: Guys, we need to talk about Larry. He seems like a nice guy and is a lock for the Hall of Fame, but he’s out there repping the University of Phoenix every chance he gets. I know he only hung around Pitt for 2 seasons but you guys could have at least hooked him up with some correspondence classes, online classes … something. I mean come on Johnny Manziel is currently taking online classes through Texas A&M. If he can get a degree from A&M Larry should have a Ph.d. from Pittsburgh by now. Instead he had to fulfill his mother’s wish at the University of Phoenix. That would be like a Clemson legend touting his degree from Tri-County Tech. It’s got to sting a little bit to hear Larry wax poetic about the his education from an on-line, for profit school. I’m just waiting for his Monday Night Football: Larry Fitzgerald – University of Phoenix. It’s really just embarrassing for you guys, and in turn, the ACC. We’ve got enough to be embarrassed about in the ACC without one of your Legends repping a diploma mill and I hate ACC embarrassment.

Below: Larry Fitzgerald - University of Phoenix

Seattle Seahawks v Arizona Cardinals Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Heinz Field: I’m sure Heinz field is a nice little stadium the Steelers are letting you borrow on Saturdays, but come on guys, it’s not a college stadium. It has the ambiance and history of the new Golden Corral they just put up down the street. When I think College Football I think Death Valley, Deaf Valley, The Rose Bowl, The Big House, Happy Valley, and Kyle Field. The above-mentioned stadiums are the center of campus, monuments to gridiron glory. Then there is Heinz field, a rental with no history. There are no stories passed down from generation to generation about the legendary Heinz field and the Pitt Panthers. You guys demolished Pitt stadium in 1999, was there no way to build a big boy stadium of your own instead of having to share with your big brothers? To make matters worse, you guys don’t even show up to watch Pitt play. I sat down and tried to watch the Pitt vs. V. Tech game a couple Thursdays ago, and was blown away by the number of empty seats. Heinz field holds 65K and it would be a stretch to say that 40K fans were actually in attendance. The fact that you can’t fill up a 65K seat stadium for a prime time Thursday night game makes me want to ship Pitt to the AAC in a straight up trade for Houston, but I don’t think the AAC would take the deal. We’d probably have to kick in Boston College and a Wake to make the deal work because people actually show up to Houston games. I hate college teams that “share” with NFL teams and therefore I must hate Pitt.

Below: V. Tech celebrates in front of dozens of tepid Pitt fans

Virginia Tech v Pittsburgh Photo by Justin Berl/Getty Images

James Conner: Hold up there Drewtigeralum, you’re not really going to hate on James Conner are you? I mean, the dude is a beast and came back from cancer. He would go to chemo and then practice, no way you could hate on that guy. Oh, yes, yes I can, I hate James Conner because his talents are wasted at a basketball school like Pitt. If Conner played for Clemson he would be the talk of college football. He would have 81,500 screaming fans chanting his name every time he turned a defensive back into speed bump. Instead, he has to play in a half-full pro stadium. Most Pitt fans don’t even get to see Conner do his thing because they are busy trying to get the newest injury update for Big Ben on their phones. James, I have a proposition for you. Graduate this year, ditch the Panthers, and spend your senior season playing for a real football team. We’ll treat you with the respect your level of awesomeness deserves. I know this won’t happen because you’re a tough, loyal guy; Pittsburgh so doesn’t deserve you, and I hate that.

Below: I think I see a fan up there ..

NCAA Football: Georgia Tech at Pittsburgh Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports