Well, this is it, this is the big one, the hate article I’ve been dying to write all season, and let me tell you, it’s more difficult that I imagined. It’s not the hate that’s lacking, no, that’s not the problem at all; in fact it’s the exact opposite. I’m swimming in an ocean of hate, and I only get to pick out five drops of water. I have an entire hate buffet filled with the tastiest of hate morsels, but my plate just isn’t big enough to try them all. My greatest college football joy outside of a Clemson win is a South Carolina loss. This is my third attempt at this article, but I think I’ve finally managed to focus my all-encompassing hate into a hate laser beam.
Note: I cut most of my stuff on Columbia and the dead roach and will save it for next year.
Clemson returns to the comforts of Death Valley after taking their show on the road and soundly defeating evil Clemson. Sure, it wasn’t without a few short yardage hiccups and another lethargic and bloated third quarter, but all in all, Clemson finally managed to get out of its own way and put a game to bed without me drinking myself into a stupor.
USCjr enters the game on heater after knocking off an always-difficult and highly under-rated 2-9 Western Carolina team. Sure, I mean technically SCAR gave up more points to the mighty Catamounts than Furman, VMI, Samford, Mercer, Wofford, The Citadel, ETSU, Gardner-Webb and East Carolina, but I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation as to why USCe’s defense was shredded by a bad DII school.
This can certainly be seen as a game that pits two teams at a crossroads. Clemson enters the Palmetto Bowl after what can only be considered a horribly disappointing 10-1 season that has seen the Tigers win another boring ACC Atlantic Division championship and be included in the top 4 CFP polls each week. On the other hand, South Carolina is coming into this game at an incredible 6-5 with wins over college football powerhouses Vandy, ECU, UMASS, Tennessee, Missouri, and Western Carolina. For Clemson, a win in this game might wash the nasty taste of disappointing season out of the Tigers mouth’s while preparing for the ACC Championship game and CFP games. South Carolina, on the other hand, is on such a high after winning a magical 6th game, ensuring a trip to some sort of mid-December noon kickoff bowl game, it’s really even hard to see them motivated to play in this game. Regardless of motivation, this game is happening, so let’s get to the hate.
Will “Boom” Muschamp:
Has any coach ever worked his way so quickly down the coaching ladder? He started as the “coach in waiting” at Texas, parlayed that into a job at Florida, failed miserably, ended up as Auburn’s defensive coordinator, and then took yet another step down the ladder, ending up as the head coach of USCjr. Boom started out married to Kate Upton, got ditched because he couldn’t score, dated her cute friend for a year, and then decided to give Mama June from Honey BooBoo a call. To each his own I guess. Maybe Will’s just really into ugly because let’s face it, historically speaking; you can’t get much uglier than South Carolina football.
It’s not just that Boom has fallen from a lofty perch and landed in an open septic tank, it’s that he basically flung himself into the filth. The man couldn’t figure out how to assemble enough talent at Florida to put together a competent, not good, but merely competent, offense. In fact, his inability to recruit players on the offensive side of the ball was so glaring; it actually gave SCAR a chance to compete with Florida this year. Two years later, Florida has yet to recover from the Boom era. Fortunately for Florida, Boom brought his Florida offense with him to Columbia and as bad as a team recovering from Boom is on offense, it can’t hold a candle to a team in the middle of the Boom/Roper nightmare.
What really bothers me about Boom is that he is a stunningly marginal coach, with one glaring 11-2 aberration on his resume. If you take out the 2012 season, he’s managed, 7-6, 4-8, 6-5, and what one can only assume will be 6-6. In 5 seasons as a coach in the SEC East, he’s managed to finish better 4-4 once (2012). I mean, that’s just shockingly bad, and yet, somehow, he has a job, granted to terrible job, but still, a job, as a college football coach.
Will Muschamp is the trust fund kid that blew all of his money and now runs one of his dad’s title loan businesses. Will Muschamp is Gene Chizik’s spirit animal. When you look at your boss and mumble “how did this idiot make it so far in life” you are repeating a phrase uttered by every Florida fan, administrator, and player during the Muschamp tenure. Basically, Will Muschamp is getting paid a lot of money to produce not a lot of results because no one else was willing to step up to the plate and bite the SCAR bullet. In a small way, I almost feel sorry for Boom, but then I think about how truly incompetent he’s had to be to fall so far so fast, and I hate him fully again.
Below: We took the zebra print wallpaper out of the coaches office Will.
Historically Putrid / Still Mouthy:
I was going to go with the Bama mouth, (insert bad team) trophy case bit, but I couldn’t find a team to compare to South Carolina’s 2 Conference titles and 1 division title. First I tried Kansas and found out the Jayhawks claim 8 conference titles. Next I went to Purdue, and still no luck, the Boilermakers claim 12 conference titles. Next I went with another SEC East bottom feeder in Vanderbilt and found out that they somehow claim 14 conference titles (0 in the SEC) and realized I started to realize I couldn’t use the Bama Mouth, (insert bad team) saying, because if USCjr is elite at one thing, it’s being bad at football … and yet, they still talk. Not only do they talk, but they talk all the time, to who ever will listen.
South Carolina fans are equivalent to the obese guy sitting next to you on a cross country flight that wants to tell you all about an exciting time share opportunity and won’t take obviously ignoring him as a cue to stop talking. Here are just a few Gems I dug up from the Ol’ Interweb today:
“I see that our boys have confidence. And the Taters are full of arrogance”
“Looking at what Muschamp recruited to Florida to play defense, I foresee USC being the toughest defense Clemson faces every year for a long time.”
“Because Bentley is better than any QB you bring in including your current backup. May take couple years but we will be back”
“Clempson can NOT win at anything unless it cheats. Has always been that way.”
“I know if Virginia Tech wins Saturday and plays in All Cupcake Conference championship game, they will take care of business and beat KKKlemsux. There is all kinds of match up problems for the orange sheephumpers against the Hokies.”
These of course, are just a few of the millions of delusional tweets and posts that can be found this week concerning South Carolina. I was going to make fun of them, but they seem to do that all on their own. Needless to say, I hate whatever delusion these people live in, and hope that they finally get proper psychiatric treatment.
Below: Wait, how many times has Missouri won the SEC East?
I’m going to admit, having every 3 toothed, 12 fingered redneck in the mid-state ask me for a high-five when I was wearing a Clemson hat started to get to me. Not because I my self worth revolves around college football, but because I had to interact with SCAR fans outside of a fast food environment.
“Hey Tater, High-Five!”
“I get it man, you’ve won 5 in a row, congrats”
“Come on Tater gimmie a High-Five!”
“I don’t trust your hygiene.”
“What did you say about my mammy!”
“Nothing, I just don’t like touching strange men.”
“Ahh, Come on Tater, High-Five”
“Fine, if I give you one will you leave me alone?” (gives high-five)
“Ah, hell Tater, I gotchu, I was all like hi-five and you didn’t think about us Gamecocks beaten you Taters. I gotchu good Tater…Roll DAMN Tide!”
I hated having to deal with that day in and day out, and I’m glad I’ll never have to deal with it again.
Below: Went through a lot of hand sanitizer that year.
Other than losing football games and talking trash, what are the USCjr football traditions? I’ve compiled a list that might help.
1. SEC Coat Riding – It’s not rivalry week if a Clemson fan hasn’t heard all about Alabama from a SCAR fan.
2. Putting Out the Bird – South Carolina makes an exciting entrance by bringing out their mascot and spraying it down with a fire extinguisher. Why you ask? I’m guessing they saw Miami do it and thought it was cool, but they just couldn’t get the execution down.
3. 2001 – What’s funny is that the song South Carolina runs out to isn’t called 2001, it’s actually called Also Sprach Zarathustra, Opus 30. Now you know more about the tradition (like the actual name of the song) than 99% of Gamecock fans.
4. Sandstorm – You want to know how far back SCAR tradition runs? Look no further than their anthem, a nod to early 2000 rave culture by Finnish Techno/Trance superstar Darude.
Below: The man and facial hair behind Sandstorm.
I want to end this up by saying I hate SCAR. I hate everything about the school, the City of Columbia, and the football program in general. I hate the fact that we share a state with such a low class institution. I hate garnet (maroon) and black. I hate their crappy stadium located in an industrial district. I hate their coaches. I don’t hate their players for the most part, but I hate the fact that they make poor life choices. I hate hearing about the S.E.C. East. I hate that I was wait listed for Clemson and almost ended up at that hellhole of a school before a last second reprieve from admissions. I hate Steve Taneyhill and his mullet (they weren’t laughing with you Steve, they were laughing at you, and everyone else that was forced to share a state with you). I hate that damn rooster. I hate the broken down railcars. I hate the smell of the city. I hate that I once told someone I was from South Carolina and she said, “ Go Cocks.” I honestly hate the fact that our rival is so terrible that we have to schedule another high level O.O.C. opponent every year to keep up our strength of schedule. Mainly, guys, I just hate them, and I hate that I had such a hard time attempting to make this article funny, because it’s really tough to make fun of something you hate so much.
Below: How does it feel to be out of Columbia Steve?