Once again, it’s time…it’s time for the hate, and guys, I’ve got hate flowing out of all my major orifices this week. Clemson escapes a soggy South Carolina weekend to fly north, into the heart of Yankee territory to play in front of dozens of mildly interested Boston College fans. The Tigers come into the game in a 5-0 death spiral after Louisville destroyed Clemson last Saturday by every metric with the exception of the highly over rated points statistic. Ben Boulware is doubtful as he deals with attempted murder charges after attempting to pull Lamar Jackson’s head off his shoulders with some sort of secret Malaysian chokehold taught to him by the cabal of assassins he trained with over the summer. Boston College and their deceptively terrible offense should give the Tigers all they can handle. Now, without further delay, let me vomit my hate all over this post.
Steve “Bad Stache” Addazio: I’m not going to lie, I had to google search: Boston College Football Head Coach to figure this one out. It’s hard for me to keep track of which over excitable Yankee Boston College has prowling the sidelines from one year to the next since the product on the field is generally the same. Addazio’s background includes stints as an offensive coordinator, which makes no sense because Boston College has an offense only a South Carolina fan could appreciate. Plus, look at that stache, just look at it, it’s not robust enough to justify it’s position under his nose. I can imagine the frozen snot hanging off of it like icicles in the Boston winter. Steve Addazio is the kind of guy that sneezes into his hand right before he tries to shake yours. He’s the guy that carries leftover clam chowder below his nose at all times. He’s the guy that cries at the end of every Mark Wahlberg movie because he just can’t handle his acting brilliance. To sum it up, Addazio is snot wiping, chowder mustachioed man with terrible taste in movies, and for that, I have no choice but to hate him.
Soooooo Boring: I’ve got a little bit of the ol’ A.D.D., which makes watching Boston College football games almost impossible. Their offense is brutal and I find my mind drifting off to more interesting topics like yard maintenance, accounting, and what shade of white looks best on my walls. The last time I attempted to watch a Boston College game I woke up 3 hours later with a giant phallus drawn on my forehead. My wife is authorized to smack me after every B.C. possession so I don’t miss anything Clemson is up to on offense. Boston College may be the most uninteresting team in college football, and for that, I must hate them.
Home Field Advantage: Alumni Stadium currently holds an astonishing 44,500 fans. The atmosphere is so quiet opposing teams tend to forget that they are actually playing a game and not playing in a spring intra-squad scrimmage. Catching an out breaking route is almost impossible because of the glare of the lights reflecting off the empty bleachers. It’s impossible to make in-game adjustments because any strategy discussed on the sidelines is clearly heard by the opposing coach. Basically, Alumni Stadium is an empty dump and I hate that our players have to waste their greatness playing in front of empty stands.
Baldwin the Eagle: Which Baldwin brother dons the Eagle costume from week to week? One assumes Alec has bigger fish to fry, but what about the other Baldwin brothers? Daniel Baldwin has been involved with such cinematic masterpieces as Car 54 Where Are You (0% on Rotten Tomatoes), Nothing but Trouble (9%), Paparazzi (18%). He was also a recent contestant on Celebrity Big Brother 16, which is apparently a thing. Next there is Billy Baldwin and his contributions to American cinematic culture with roles in such visionary films as A Pyromaniac’s Love Story (0%), Virus (9%), and A Plumm Summer (20%). Finally, there’s Stephen Baldwin, who parlayed his early acting success in The Usual Suspects to roles in such illuminating movies as Bio Dome (5%), Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (0%), and I’m In Love With A Church Girl (6%). If I’m going to guess, B.C. is too cheap to get Daniel or Billy for this game, so we are going to be stuck with Stephen Baldwin The Eagle, and that my friends, is ample reason to hate.
Friday Night Football: God invented Friday nights for high school football. I understand that in Yankee land that isn’t important, but for the rest of us red-blooded Americans, playing college football on Friday night is tantamount to sacrilege. I somehow feel that this Friday night game was inspired by Syracuse and Boston College because no college football team south of the Mason / Dixon line would ever advocate for a Friday Night game. One can only assume that the Yanks want their beating early so they can attend the opening of the new avant garde art gallery that features murals of cats created with toe nail clippings and the gunk you scrape out from under your finger nails. I do not appreciate playing college football on Friday night, in fact, I hate it, and I’m sure every true American hates it as well.
P.S. Manny and Ortiz juiced.
P.P.S. Goodell got it right.