A word on the Bye week:
I hate the bye week, I know, I know, it’s a much-needed break for our players in the middle of a physically grueling season, and on an intellectual level, I understand that, but on a visceral level it makes me want to spew bile from every orifice. I just thank every appropriate deity that we have the degenerate Seminoles on tap this week, giving me a proper release for two weeks of loathing. It’s B.Y.O.H. this week, and if you can’t bring the hate for the Noles, you should probably take up knitting and leave college football to those more equipped to handle the responsibility.
Another Quick Word:
I will now take a quick moment to praise FSU for being one of the few adults at the ACC table. I know they will take their beating like a team familiar with football and not make excuses about yard markers or cry about how they beat Clemson everywhere but the scoreboard.
And Now This:
The 7-0, #3 ranked Clemson drags its battered and defiled carcass south to Tallahassee this Saturday after a devastating bye week that found the Tigers decimated in the one stat that matters this year in college football: Margin of victory against NC. State. Head-to-Head performance is an antiquated stat that rarely susses out the best team. Advanced metrics such as the M.O.V.A.N.C.St. Stat is far superior in determining the true strength of a team, and Clemson has fallen woefully short in that category. Thankfully, Clemson will face an equally beleaguered F.S.U. team that has shown the passion and fight of a pacifist under heavy sedation this season. It should be an interesting match-up between two crushingly disappointing teams. Now, let’s get to hating before one of my eyes pop out from the built up pressure.
Jimbo “The Fixer” Fisher: I’ll give Jimbo his due: he knows how to hitch his wagon to a star player and hold on for dear life. He has proven to be a slightly above average coach without Jameis Winston, dropping at least one stupid, uninspired game against a bad team a year. I’ll give him credit though, what he lacks in ability, he makes up for in self-awareness. Jimbo knew he needed Winston and was more than happy to enable Winston at every turn to keep him happy and on the team. What he lacks in game awareness and motivational skill he makes up for in his uncanny ability to make excuses for terrible human beings. I almost feel bad for Jimbo, because he missed his true calling as an attorney for the Mafia.
I can see him now:
Jimbo (dressed in a $1,000 dollar suit with his hair slicked back): Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Anthony is a good, humble, hard working man in the waste disposal industry. The fact that several of his competitors have met untimely ends is truly a tragedy, and Anthony has shed many tears over their bodies…at their funerals of course. I’ve never met a better young man than Anthony, and despite the “media” attempting to paint him a ruthless killer, I can assure you that he is one of the finest people I’ve ever had the privilege to know.
Jimbo Fisher is the guy you call when you accidentally shoot someone in the back of your car and need it to go away. He’s the guy you call when you need someone to hold a press conference explaining how you totally weren’t butt chugging while Franzia leaks down your leg. Jimbo’s the guy at the party you always want to answer the door when the cops show up. Basically, Jimbo is able to excuse any sort of terrible behavior if it’s in his best interest, and that makes him easy to hate.
Below: I love you bro, I miss you every day
Jameis “The Face of Florida St.” Winston: I’ve had a hard time coming up with something to say about Jameis because this is supposed to be a fun, light hearted article. I was going to say that Jameis has the moral compass of a Kardashian and the humility of Kanye West, but that seemed a little harsh. I then thought about saying that he is a toddler four cokes deep into an epic sugar binge trapped in a grown mans body, but again, that seemed harsh. Finally, I thought about saying that he and Anthony Weiner share a similar respect for women, but man, that’s way over the line. So I settled on this: Jameis Winston might be the easiest player to hate in the history of college football. Even if you’re an FSU fan, in the deepest pit of your soul, you know he’s a complete tool with a cannon for an arm. I mean sure, you’re glad he played on your team, but you kind of wish you could have transported his talent into a decent human being. I hate Jameis Winston, and I’m sure I’m in the majority when I say that.
Below: Poise under pressure
They Created the “Red Menace”: Remember when Louisville was just a team with an exciting quarterback and a defense made of recycled parts from actual football programs and not the bestest team ever in the history of college football who only lost to Clemson because the auxiliary chain crew cheated and one of the refs second cousins nephew’s daughters went to Clemson…yea, I miss those days. Unfortunately, FSU showed up in Louisville and quit harder than any team I’ve seen since FSU quit in the Rose Bowl against Oregon. The French feel like Florida St. surrendered too quickly against Louisville. FSU showed as much poise as Chad Kelly at a high school football game this year when they played in the Greasy Pizza. They were as inspired as a Will Muschamp offense. Clemson and Florida St. should be playing for the ACC on Saturday night, but instead, we’re going have to sit through a Louisville commercial interrupted by the occasional football play, and because of that, I hate FSU.
Below: Halftime Surrender Cobra
Lance Harbor: In 1998, Florida St. and Bobby Bowden received a verbal commitment from Lance Harbor, a 5* QB from West Canaan High School. Lance was an incredible talent with a big arm and amazing mobility. In the middle of his senior season, Lance rolled out for a pass and was rolled up on by a defensive lineman, tearing several of Harbor’s knee ligaments. When news reached the Florida St. coaches, instead of standing behind Harbor, the coaching staff rescinded his scholarship offer. Harbor made a commitment to the Florida St. program, but found out that commitment is only a one-way street in college athletics. This shockingly callous move by Florida St. gave college football a bad name, and for that, I hate them.
Below: Lance overcame Bowden’s treachery and became an actor
They’re Going to Show Up: FSU has given everyone a free pass this season. They have talent for days, but haven’t shown any interest in actually playing. They only played one half against Ole Miss, and were bailed out by the dynamic choking duo of Hugh Freeze and Chad Kelly. They may as well have forfeited the Louisville game, in fact, based on their effort, they might have actually forfeited on the field. They dropped a home game to North Carolina and let a kicker run around Doak embarrassing them. It took a shanked extra point to avoid going to overtime with an average Miami team. They gave up 35 to South Florida, and then only put up 17 on Wake. Florida State is the most disappointing team in college football and I have no doubt that they show up and play to the best of their ability against Clemson. The defense will morph into the 5* laden athletic freak show that it should be every game. Francois will throw darts to their lightening fast wide receivers. The offensive line will be nasty and Dalvin Cook will run like a man possessed. Clemson will have to fight, scratch and claw to win this game against a motivated FSU team, and that’s fine, but if you’re going to be motivated to play us, you could at least pretend like you want to play in other games. I have no doubt we’ll win, but they are going to make us earn it, and they’ve been handing out freebies all season, and for that, I hate them.
Below: Shame, Just...Shame