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NC Hate...That Sums It Up

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Coach Lou Holtz looks on Photo by Craig Jones/Getty Images

I woke up this morning with the sharp tang of bile in my mouth so I know it’s Wednesday, and my hate for North Carolina St. must be physically manifesting. The Tigers are back in God’s Country this week after surviving the Fruhmorganpocalpyse in Boston that saw our right tackle play so poorly we only managed to put up 56 points. On top of that, Ben Boulware once again attempted to kill someone and is now contained Hanibal Lecter style in the basement of Littlejohn until game time for everyone’s safety. Clemson is really struggling at 5.5 – 0 after losing a ½ a win to Louisville because of poorly placed auxiliary yard marker and over 1,000,000 twitter complaints from totally unbutthurt Louisville fans. The nondescript ACC fodder Wolfpack will come into Death Valley looking to give the Tigers a game that will only vaguely be remembered in 2 weeks.

Dave “Dirty Diaper” Doeren: Doeren managed to parlay an impressive run at Northern Illinois into a head-coaching job at NC State, and has steadfastly maintained the NC State tradition of ruthlessly average football. When Doeren isn’t busy devising a way to scrape out 7 or 8 wins he likes to spend his time pouring over possible ACC realignment scenarios while squeezing out frustration tears onto his Wolfpack stationery. I have it on good authority that Dave has proposed the following solution to his ACC problem of having an average football team.

Atlantic:

  • Clemson
  • Florida St.
  • Virginia Tech
  • Miami
  • North Carolina
  • Louisville

Coastal:

  • NC State
  • Duke
  • Wake Forest
  • Boston College
  • Syracuse
  • Pittsburgh

NC State is also in favor of the 9+1 ACC schedule in hopes of avoiding non-conference powerhouses like East Carolina and picking up another conference game. When the actual football programs in the ACC recommended that NC State simply get better Doeren spilled his juice cup and held his breath until he was escorted back to the nursery. Dave Doeren is the type of guy that grabs his hamstring and walks off the court when you are up 14-8 in a game of 1 on 1. He’s the type of guy that drops his food on the ground at the restaurant and then demands a fresh plate. Dave Doeren is the human embodiment of every Louisville football fan on twitter. Dave Doeren is a petulant child that doesn’t understand his role as a bit player in the ACC, and because of that, I hate him.

Below: Dave wishing he was back at Northern Illinois.

Clemson v North Carolina State Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

The “Wolfpack”: Look, I could get behind the “Wolfpack” mascot. I mean, that sounds pretty tough, but like most things relating to NC State athletics, what sounds like a good idea is turned into a complete farce with “Mr. Wuf”. “Mr. Wuf” looks like a 12 year old was asked to draw their vision for the NC State mascot and somehow it stuck. Mr. Wuf looks like a bootleg toy you buy out of a guy’s trunk in the parking lot of Disney World. Seriously, WTF is going on with that hat? Like how exactly was that decision made?

Bob: Sure, the wolf look awesome, but we need something more

Steve: Why don’t we give it some fangs or something?

Bob: Damn it Steve, I told you, no fangs.

Steve: Maybe, I don’t know, at least an arched eyebrow or something

Bob: We’ve been over this; we want him to be the perfect representation of our football program, non-threating and completely forgettable.

Steve: What about a hat, maybe give him a hat?

Bob: Perfect, what about the hat from Gilligan’s Island?

Steve: (Sighs) Sure Bob, that’s awesome.

“Mr. Wuf” is a perversion of what should be an awesome mascot, and for that, I hate him.

Below: My dog is shamed they are related.

North Carolina v North Carolina State Photo by Grant Halverson/Getty Images

Disco: NC State is essentially disco. They had a good run in the 70’s when everything was terrible, but when college football finally sobered up a little, they drifted off into obscurity, relegated to dusty bins at the back of Salvation Army. NC State has finished the season ranked in the AP poll 12 times since the AP polls inception in 1936…they have never finished a season ranked in the top 10. Of their 12 appearances, 5 occurred in the 70’s. Of those 5 appearances, it’s a good bet that 3 of them (72’, 73’. 74) were a product of rampant cheating (I’ll get to that later). You look back at NC State’s success in the 70’s and much like disco; you just shake your head and appreciate how far things have come. NC State hasn’t been relevant since leisure suits and for that, I hate them.

Below: These guys shared the spotlight with NC State.

amfAR's 23rd Cinema Against AIDS Gala - Arrivals Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images

Lou F’ing Holtz: NC State gave Lou Holtz his first major college-coaching job after hiring him away from William and Mary. In many ways, NC State is directly responsible for the slobbering fanatic that is Lou. Lou spent 4 years at NC. State, and took NC. State to 4 bowl games. I can’t prove this, but history certainly leads me to believe that Lou was most likely greasing every palm he could find to lift NC State out of the gutter for a few seasons. Do you hate Lou Holtz? If the answer is no, please log off this site, because you’re not welcome. If you do hate Lou Holtz, just remember, NC State is somewhat responsible, feel free to hate accordingly.

Below: Lou regretting his return to coaching

Lou Holtz owers his head Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

They Think They Have a Chance: NC State is all hot and bothered right now because they beat a bad Notre Dame team in a hurricane last week. They actually think they have a shot to come into Death Valley and play with Clemson. Remember folks; this is the team that lost to an East Carolina team that claims a loss to South Carolina on their schedule. NC State has left home once so far, and came back with their only loss and they think they are going to march into Death Valley and compete. This is obviously a sign of delusional thinking, but you know there is going to be a controversial offside call in the first 5 minutes of the game, and NC State fans will tell you after the massacre is complete, that if they had just gotten that call, things would have been different. NC State thinks they are worthy of participating in a football game in our stadium, and for that, I hate them.

Below: It was like our game against Notre Dame ... except no one cared and both teams were bad.

Notre Dame v North Carolina State Photo by Grant Halverson/Getty Images