clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

2015 Celebrity Football Preview

New, 6 comments

We sat down with some national "celebrities" to get their take on the upcoming Clemson football season. Also, I thought a little levity would break things up before we ratchet up the seriousness in a few days. If you're overly sensitive, you may want to skip this one.

Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports

With Dabo's super-positive outlook on things, sometimes it's hard to get the bare-bones truth from practice quotes.   So, we went out and contacted a bunch of knowledgeable celebrities, and five of them agreed to meet with us in a round-table discussion about Clemson's upcoming football season.

We are excited to announce that our celebrity panel will feature:

Larry David - Co-writer of the TV show "Seinfeld," inspiration for the "George" character, and writer and star of the show "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Paris Hilton - Hotel Heiress, Socialite, reality TV star, explicit video star (which will not be discussed as per our interview agreement).

Bill Clinton - President of the United States from 1993-2001 and former Governor of Arkansas from 1979-1981 and 1983-1992.

Donald Trump - Billionaire Real Estate mogul and current Republican Presidential candidate.

Frank Howard's Ghost- Taking time off from coaching "The St. Peter Stallions" to visit with us today.  He is the longest tenured head football coach in Clemson history, member of the college football Hall of Fame, and 5-star human being. The playing surface in Death Valley is named after him as well as a certain item that you can "keep your flthy hands off" if you don't give 110%.

STS: Good afternoon, everybody!  Mr. Trump is going to be a little late due to a prior obligation on the campaign trail, but I want to thank you all for taking a few minutes out of your day to be here.  Let's begin with your overall impressions with Clemson football program.  Mr. David?

Larry David: I don't subscribe to this whole "rubbing a rock" for magical powers thing.  What is this, Hogwarts University?  Am I supposed to believe in magic to watch college kids run into each other for three hours?   Why don't you people create some magic that stops the cast of "Hee Haw" from gurgling up homogenized Chicken parts and Bud Light on my slacks?  You know what, I think I'll pass on the whole experience.

Frank Howard's Ghost:  Son, I believe you might suffa from what my daddy used to call "Oral defecation."

Paris Hilton:  Excuse me, but I was told this would not be brought up.

Bill Clinton: You and me both, sweetheart...wanna get outta here and go...

Larry David:  (interrupts) And how do you get 80,000 people together in the south with no shade anyway?  Can I buy skin cancer insurance on the way to my seat?

Frank Howard Ghost: Ya gots too much grease on that wheel, son.  A chicken with no head runs in a circle.

Larry David: What language is that?  Could SB Nation not get an English Translator to come back from the dead with him?

STS: President Clinton, your thoughts on Clemson?

Bill Clinton: Well first off, I'd like to say that "Undead English Translators" are the backbone of our economy and I do feel your pain, Larry. That's why Hillary has promised that if she is elected, she will present a bill to Congress that establishes an "Undead English Translation Department" right here at beautiful Clemson University.  That's because, when you think of Clemson, you think of a strong contribution to society and community.  I can't think of a better way to honor the hard working people of South Carolina than providing them with the best communication possible with the spirit world.

STS: Wow! You still got it, sir.

Bill Clinton: I know.  I can't turn it off... Vote for Hillary! If she doesn't win, I don't know what I'll do.

Frank Howard's Ghost: Ya might could start by purchasin' one of them chastity belts.

STS: Alright, let's not go that route.  Coach Howard, you are the longest tenured coach in Clemson history.  For the past 7 years, Dabo has been able to create the same kind of family atmosphere for the players that you did.  What you do you think of the program vision of how players are mentored and trained under Dabo?

Frank Howard's Ghost:  I would say Jane Robelot is a beautiful vision.

Paris Hilton: Vodka Red Bull.

STS:  Jane Robelot is not your waitress, Paris.

Frank Howard's Ghost:  Jane Robelot is an angel on earth.

STS: You would definitely know, Coach.  Paris, what do you think of Dabo?

Paris:  OMG, DABO!  I loooooove him! He DJ'ed Nikki's birthday party this year. He was soooo good.

STS:  Dabo?  Do you mean electronic music star, "Diplo?"

Paris: Yes, Daplo.  He's sooo cute.

Larry David: Oh my. (laughs)  I would go on a date with you just so I'd appreciate being alone.  I think I've seen enough here. (David stands up and leaves)

STS: Let's try another question, Paris.  Do you think DeShaun Watson can stay healthy and lead Clemson to a 5th straight 10 win season?

Paris:   Is he the Kicker?

STS:  No, the Quarterback.

Paris:  ...the Kicker sounds fun.

STSOk, that's enough. Coach Howard, your thoughts on Watson?

Frank Howard's Ghost:  Jelly.

STS: Jelly?

Frank Howard's Ghost:  I called 53 straight QB dives in the Sugar Bowl against LSU and Harvey White, God bless him, ran every single one of them.  In the 3rd cuoda, we tied sticks under his ahms so he could take the Center exchange.  By the end of the game, he had sent the entire LSU defense to the ‘mergency room.

STS: Harvey White was phenomenal Coach, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Frank Howard's Ghost:  Son, Jelly.

STS: Gotcha, Coach.  Clemson lost a lot of players on defense from a really excellent unit last year.  Do you guys think Coach Venables will be able to replace the talent we lost on defense?  Paris?

Paris' Publicist:  (interrupts) "Unit" is on the banned word list. Don't answer, Paris.

STS: Of course it is.

Paris:  Yes, and my music producer told me I know nothing about talent anyway.

STS: Sounds like he's an honest man.   Mr. President, your thoughts on the defense.

Bill Clinton: I think they should expect another wonderful year.  Brent Venables' has an ability to shape young men.  That's why Hillary and I want teachers like Brent to have the best resources available to mold America's young minds.  When elected, Hillary will send a bill to Congress entitled "The Freedom of Methodology Act."  This bill will allow Coach Venables to be free of the horrible and oppressive actions of the "Get Back Coach" and foster better communication with the young men he's responsible for teaching.

(the door flings open and a certain Republican Presidential Candidate enters)

Donald Trump:  Sorry I'm late, did I miss the part where The Clintons pander to a millionaire coach for a campaign donation. Sounds like I'm right on time. You know what Billy Bob, when you're as rich as I am, you don't have to stoop so much.

Bill Clinton:  Good Afternoon, Donnie.  I thought I smelled bronzer and toupee glue.

Trump: That's the smell of success, baby. Huge "Scandal-Free" Success...something you wouldn't know much about.

Bill Clinton: Oh, then you must be here for debate advice.  Here's my advice: Drop out before you embarrass yourself.  Oh I'm sorry, too late.

Trump: Tell you what. Why don't you give your wife my number and I'll straighten out that little Whitewater mess for her.  How is Susan McDougal doing these days?

STSUh gentlemen, this is a panel on Clemson Football. Can we please get back to that?

Trump: Yes of course, shoot. (sits down in the seat David vacated)

STS: Ok, with Clemson's win against South Carolina last year and the Spurrier retirement rumors out there, do you think Dabo has finally turned the corner on his instate rivals?

Trump: Look, if Coach Swinney, who is a lovely man by the way, had had read my book, "Art of The Deal" available on Amazon, he'd already know that he should make a substantial offer through private investors to buy South Carolina College with contingencies in place for a total rebuilding of Williams-Brice Stadium.  Right after the demolition, he transfers all his interests to some overseas manufacturers who have accounts in the Cayman Islands and live in non-extradition foreign municipalities.  By the time they get finished with all of the litigation, every employee in the program has been laid off, and nobody's left to stop you from putting up a Used Car lot where the stadium used to be.  Free enterprise, baby.

Frank Howard's Ghost: I did the same thing in '63 except instead of demolishing the stadium; we decided it would be betta to connect  their ice makers to a nearby fertilizer factory.  I'm not too sure how that worked out.

Paris Hilton: Ew

STS: Well, I think that's a good stopping point. I want to thank you all for being here and taking time out of your busy schedule, especially you, coach. It has been an honor.

Frank Howard's Ghost:  My pleasure, son.  I need to get back to heaven shortly, but I think I have a minute to do you that favor we discussed earlier (Vanishes into thin air).

Donald Trump:  What favor? I missed it.

Bill Clinton:  All I know is they asked me about Arkansas and where I saw Ken Hatfield last.