14. Paul Johnson: I haven’t played defensive line since I was a freshman in high school, however I am certain that doesn’t matter. If I swing at this man he will take out both of my kneecaps and probably have a fullback run me over for good measure. Either that or he will find some 1950’s boxing method everyone has forgotten about and knock me out.
13. Frank Beamer: Could very, very well be carrying a gun on him at all times. Is almost certainly within arms reach of a gun, he has a bit of that old crazy guy mentality to. The type that will not hesitate to mess you up. He will never be fired because of this. On the other hand he is kind of old, and maybe you could run far enough fast enough that you won’t get shot. You’ll probably get shot.
12. Steve Addazio: Look at that mustache and consider that this man lives in Boston. I want NONE of that. The ACC is way more terrifying than I thought. Steve, if you are reading this, I do not want to punch you, please do not consider me a threat.
11: Mike London: I’m betting on Dad strength here. I truly cannot tell how strong this man is from photographs, but I am assuming there is a strong layer of muscle underneath the minor Dad pudge. Also, his bio, for no reason whatsoever, brags about the time someone tried to shoot him but the gun jammed. I have not faced down death and do not want to fight anyone who brags about it.
10: Pat Narduzzi: Look at this man and realize that the players in this picture are division one lineman. Think long and hard about that and think more about how this man moved from East Lansing to Pittsburgh, and did that despite having many other options. Crazy, large and this may be a strange belief of mine but I’d way prefer to fight an ex OC than DC. In short: nooooooope, no, no. No.
9: Al Golden: Seems to have gotten soft in Miami, and the ill fitting button down he always has on may limit his movement, but he did play tight end in the NFL. If this turns into any sort of grappling you’re not going to win because the amount he sweats 24/7 makes him more or less impossible to pin down.
8: Bobby Petrino: Old, but of all the coaches listed I think he’s one of the ones more likely to be carrying a knife. He’s going to fight dirty, like, really dirty. If this fight is in any way sanctioned you should be ok, but if this turns into a brawl you really just want to make sure you get away relatively unscathed.
7: Jimbo Fisher: Look at this man, he is a thick, thick person. You can go for the knockout but that head looks like a bucket strapped to a ham. His body is shaped like a pudgy fridge. Stamina is probably on your side here but you will not be able to do all that much damage and he probably can do damage if any punches connect.
6: Larry Fedora: Young, in shape, but based on his coaching so far he will have absolutely no defense. He’s going to land a lot of punches, they will hurt, but you will hit him more and harder. You’re going to bleed but odds are really good you’re going to win.
5: Dave Doeren: Played linebacker, admittedly more than two decades ago and for a smaller college, but he did still play linebacker. Linebackers are almost always somewhere between just a tad bit insane and out of their minds and have little regard for their health if they can make sure they hurt you worse. He does look really nice though, I don’t want to punch this man, whatever I’m angry with him about I’m sure I can have a reasonable discussion instead.
4: Dave Clawson: He looks so nice, but he also took the Wake Forest job on purpose. Odds are you'll be fine but there's a chance that this man is entirely insane. Relatively low risk but if he turns out to be insane you're going to be in for some trouble. He also coaches for Wake Forest, give him 2-3 years and he will be a burnt out husk of a man with nothing to lose. Swing now, he gets more dangerous by the second.
3: Dabo Swinney: Played WR, relatively young, but I'm betting on his nice guy persona. He's the most likely to just let you hit him. This whole conversation changes if his assistant coaches get involved. His coordinators have no such moral qualms and will beat you within an inch of your life. If you look into Brent Venables eyes you will see the burning end of humanity. Dabo just doesn’t have that.
2: Scott Shafer: Look at this photo. I have no idea what is going on here, but I am not afraid to punch this man. Spread this photo far and wide so that the world can be just as baffled and inexplicably vaguely angry as I am right now.
1. David Cutcliffe: Old, doesn’t seem particularly scary, and may not be in the best health. I never said this list would be fair. If I have to fight anyone it’s going to be you, Dave.