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2015 Lane Kiffin Sweepstakes

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Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

We are here to assess how likely your team is to hire Lane Kiffin as a head coach next year. The probability it rated from 1-10, with 1 being safe and 10 meaning pray, for the love of God, pray. Probability is based on a number of factors, such as how likely a team is to fire its coach, whether said school could hire Kiffin (the ACC has dead weight), and whether the school would be likely to make such a move.

Lane Kiffin (via @nick_pants)

Boston College: 1, I really can’t see Addazzio getting fired. He’s on his third year and has posted good results the last two. Maybe Addazzio leaves for a better job this year, but that doesn’t seem all that likely either. Even if he does leave I really don’t see BC going for Kiffin.

Wake Forest: 1, Dave Clawson just got hired and this job is a step down for Lane. Nope.

Pitt: 1, They just hired one of the best coordinators in the country, there’s no way this will happen. Not this year, not next, probably not the year thereafter.

Seriously, what is this?

Seriously, Syracuse, bruh (via: nunesmagicians.com)

Syracuse: 1, Could Scott Shafer get fired? Absolutely. Could Syracuse get Lane Kiffin? Nope. I mean, they do pay Scott Shafer about double Lane’s salary, but, no. Ms. Kiffin wouldn’t move from LA to Alabama, there’s no chance Lane can sell moving to upstate New York. Not to mention Syracuse was last ranked over a dozen years ago. This is where you are, Syracuse, Jesus, get it together.

Georgia Tech: 2,  Paul Johnson isn’t getting fired after such a good 2014 season. It’s not happening. Do you want to tell that man he’s fired? I do not. I don’t know a single person who does. No one is that dumb, right?

Florida State: 2, I really cannot see Jimbo Fisher getting fired this year. I mean, I can imagine, and it makes me laugh hysterically, but I can’t realistically see it happening. Recruiting has been too strong, there’s too much recent success, everyone sort of sees this as a rebuilding year, I just can’t see it happening.

Cutcliffe is not a young looking man (via: goduke.com)

Cutcliffe is not a young looking man (via: goduke.com)

Duke: 2, Cutcliffe looks like he should be soon to retire, but the man is only sixty. I can’t see Duke firing a coach who got them as much success, and at sixty I don’t see Cutcliffe as all that likely to leave this offseason.

NC State: 2, Dave Doeren is on his third year in Raleigh, and coming off an eight win campaign. He’s in that sweet spot of not successful enough to likely get poached and too successful to likely get fired.

Miami: 3, Al Golden lives perpetually on the hot seat. Try not to think about how much sweat is inherent in the words "Al Golden hot seat." Miami is a program with a flashy history. While Lane hasn’t done great as a head coach one could argue he was somewhat doomed from the jump at USC due to recruiting restrictions. Round two at a fallen major conference power may be the one that works out. Plus Miami has got the money to poach a highly regarded young OC.

Virginia: 3, Could Mike London get fired? Yup. A sub .400 win percentage over six years will tend to get someone fired. Then again, this program is worse than any of the head coaching jobs Lane has had. Even the Raiders. This is another case of a team that may want Lane but could not hire Lane Kiffin. This just, god, I am so sad.

Any excuse to post this is a fine one (via: nytimes.com)

Any excuse to post this is a fine one (via: nytimes.com)

Louisville: 4, They did just hire Petrino. That means next to nothing as to who their next coach will be next year. Look at who Louisville hired before Petrino came back. Successful young coordinators from an SEC school? Check. Lane sort of has recruiting experience in the area from his time at Tennessee. You can see the hazy outline forming on the horizon here.

UNC: 4, I just, I just do not know. I have no idea what this team is or what it is doing at any given time. Sanctions have to be coming right? Is Larry Fedora a real person or a robot sent to destroy defensive football as we know it? Is Chapel Hill the sight of an alien landing? It’s all on the table.

Clemson: 5, Imagine this. Alabama wins the National Championship and Saban retires on top. Alabama looks outside for the replacement and decides to hire a coach who has done an incredible job at a good (but not currently elite) program in the area, a coach with experience in Alabama. Alabama hires Dabo, but not before Van Gorder is hired by someone else. It doesn’t really matter who. Clemson is without a head coach and looks to poach a national championship winning coordinator with head coaching experience and oh no it could happen I don’t like this game anymore.

I made this for when it happens (images via @nick_pants and IvanMozorov.com)

Virginia Tech: 7, Hear me out here. People are frustrated with Frank Beamer, and he is nearing the end of his era. After so many years of defensive football with poor offenses I have to imagine Hokie faithful are ready for a change, ready for a hotshot young offensive coordinator. What I’m saying is Blacksburg is so, so ready for a Kiffin hire. Please let this happen, God, please. For the children.