FanPost

The Ones I Love to Hate

Ed. Note: this is a fanpost, let the hate flow people.

The chickens, the shamecocks, the hen humpers, it doesn’t matter what you call them, I love to hate them. Straddling the line of ignorance, I love to hate everything about them. Columbia, for starters, is undeniably the armpit of the South. Maybe Sherman was hitting on something when he burned it to the ground. All glorified war crime jokes aside, the city is as earning of the title "shithole" as any place in this beautiful country. Many people have told me that my hate of the city itself is akin to a childhood grudge, being that I only hate the city because of the school it envelops. Of course, these people are die hard chickens. I will admit that the university itself has some modicum of respectability, and it actually consists of some admirable academics and facilities. Hell, I’ve even seen the occasional good looking gal there. But, unless you have your cock tinted shades on, you can’t help but notice that you can get shot down pretty much 5 minutes away from any place on campus. USCe is in the middle of a slum. I find it hard to believe that there is a worse place to put an academic institution of any sort in such a place. My ex (a cockfan), even despised the city, noting it for the welcoming steel bars in the windows of a shoe store she once happened upon. I will admit that some of my disdain comes from the fact that I despise pretty much any city. But, when asked to explain why I don’t like cities, I exclusively cite Columbia in my reasoning.

Perhaps a better reason to despise the shamecocks (no, that doesn’t need to be capitalized) is the ole ball coach (that either). How fitting is it that such a cocky sum b**** can call himself a cock. Just cherish the irony of that situation for a moment. When reading one marvelous article (http://www.sportsonearth.com/article/62295900/) I happened upon a wonderful summary of why I love to hate spurrier (no capitalization needed there, either). spurrier once led his team on a game winning drive as the QB of Florida, where when the coach sent out the kicker to win the game, ole ball sack sent the kicker back to the sideline. He then proceeded to kick the 40 yard game winner himself. If this doesn’t sum up the ole ball sack, I don’t know what does. You have to admire the fact that a Heisman winning quarter back can kick a game winning 40 yard field goal. However, you also can’t help but notice the blatant narcissism and disregard for other people involved in such a feat. The kicker, waiting on the moment he can earn his spot on the team, gets denied his moment of glory, by nobody else than the star quarterback. The man has undeniable talent, but it is accompanied by a rather detestable character or lack there off. I will admit that he has handily outcoached old Dabs in recent history, but I’d much rather have a coach that’s gonna dab than a coach that’s gonna spurrier. To any chickens reading this, feel free to throw down your visor and pout in disapproval of my statements. C’mon, we all know you’re dying to.

This brings me to my final, and perhaps greatest, source of hatred for our less than fortunate neighbors: cockfan. We all know one. We all hate them. Okay, maybe we don’t hate them, but we do hate their obsession with cocks. No, this isn’t a homophobic statement; there actually are people out there that cherish the moments they get to enlighten you about how much they adore cocks. Hell, they’ve been known to where shirts that clearly state their love for cocks, as if their obnoxious banter didn’t make it obvious enough. Seriously, I really don’t even have to make an argument about the chickens, they do it for themselves. I find it hard to believe that four years ago I was actually content with letting them win a game, solely out of pity for them. I shudder even imaging that moment. I’ll chalk that one up to youthful ignorance. Feel free to leave your own arguments on hating hen humpers. I beg that you only refrain from making any arguments about how the chickens aren’t as bad as they seem (unless you plan on proving how they are even worse than they appear). Knowing that this post pales in comparison to what y’all expect from the glorious STS, I hope it was still an enjoyable endeavor.

These opinions are not necessarily those of the Proprietors of Shakin' The Southland.

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