BIGGEST NEWS OF THE DAY
INDIANAPOLIS, I.N. (AP) - The NCAA has penalized Clemson University for continuing to unapologetically beat the University of South Carolina, year after year, in a plethora of sports and overall academics.
NCAA Official Paul Moonie, based upon recommendation from an unnamed ACC official, commented that it was unfair for Clemson to continue "giving them [South Carolina] the business." ACC Commissioner John Swofford echoed the sentiment, fully supporting the opinion of his minion.
As penalty for the sustained beat-downs, Clemson will not be allowed to increase rent on Williams-Brice Stadium (the upside-down cockroach) for 2 years, and will be required to refrain from posting rivalry facts on billboards around Columbia. Clemson will also be responsible for sponsoring a night out for the whole USC football team before the next rivalry game. "If they are going to @$!%% them, Clemson should at least be decent enough to buy them dinner and a movie first."
The SEC has also stepped in questioning reasons for continuing the "rivalry" game. "Year after year this game brings down our conference image amongst the pollsters. While we look great in the GATech-UGA rivalry, the Clemson-USC game zeroes out those SEC-ACC gains," commented Hanes Green, SEC official. "We'd be willing to serve up Vanderbilt or any other SEC team in the hopes they can perform better than USC has. This is a win-win situation for all parties. I believe beating USC has become completely inconsequential for the Tigers by now - at least the pollsters seem to think so anyway."
No immediate reaction was available from Coach Spurrier. Steve was last seen signing footballs marked with a "31-28" score while learning his lines for the next "Click-Clack" commercial.
Q : What is the method of birth control on the USC campus?
A : Putting an X on the cows that kick!
Q : What does the average Sakerlina player get on his SAT?
A : Drool
Q : How can you tell a Columbia coyote?
A : He's chewed off three legs and he is still in the trap.
Q : How do you come to own a small business in South Carolina?
A : Start a large business and put an USC grad in charge of it.
Q : How do you know the tooth brush was invented at USC?A : If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q : Why don't Sakerlina fans fart?
A : Their mouths are never closed long enough to build up any pressure!
Q : What do they call duct tape in Columbia?
A : Chrome!
Why do USC Students go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
--- Nobody admitted 17 and under.
What do you get when you have 32 USC Football Players in the same room?
--- A full set of teeth.
A new law was passed in Columbia recently.
--- When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Gamecock Farmers are walking down different ends of a street toward
each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Bo, what'cha got in th' bag?"
--- "Jus' some chickens.
--- "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
--- "I'll give you both of them."
--- "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
Gamecock Football player and a Cheerleader were making out in the front seat of the car.
---"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
--- "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
--- "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Q: What is the difference between a Carolina cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a USC cheerleader and a toilet bowl?
A: The toilet bowl doesn't follow you around for a week after you use it.
Q: What do you call a dead pig sittin' on a tractor that won't start?
A: The USC Homecoming parade.
Q: What has 98 legs & 49 teeth?
A: A Sakerlina Sor/Frat party.
Q: Why do Gamecock women like to be on top?
A: So they don't swallow their tobacco.
Q: What's the difference between trash and Columbia trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like crap, and get more and more rotten each day.
Two Carolina graduates get married after matriculating. Early the next morning, the father of the groom is awakened by a pounding on the front door. Standing there on the porch is the groom, extremely agitated.
The father asks "What are you doing here? You should be enjoying your honeymoon at the Motel 6."
"But Daddy, it's just awful. She's a virgin."
"Well, son, you should be proud. That's a rare thing in this day and age."
"But Daddy, if she ain't good enough for her family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."
This cockfan is sitting in a bar late at night having a few beers, and after every beer, the bartender notices he looks in his pocket, grimaces and orders another. Finally, his curiousity got the better of him, and the barkeep asks the Coot what he's doing. "Well sah," the Coot replied, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife, and when she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A Carolina grad was walking down the street, when his old college buddy pulled up in a brand new Porsche. "Where the hell did you get Porsche?", the grad asked in disbelief. "Well," his buddy replied, "Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her. We jump in her Porsche, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, 'You can have anything you want.'
"That was pretty smart", said the other Coot, "Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
A recent survey among female college students asked them how their boyfriends proposed marriage:
-- 55% of the men in Ivy League colleges got down on one knee in the traditional manner and asked, "Will you marry me?"
-- 61% of the men in western state universities popped the question at a romantic, candle-lite dinner saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you as your husband."
-- 66% of the men in mid-western universities asked permission of the bride-to-be's father and then asked the bride-to-be, "Please be my wife forever?"
-- 92% of the men at Sakerlina said, "You're gonna have a what?"
Q: Three football players are riding in a car from Five Points: 1 from Sakerlina, 1 from Georgia, and 1 from Florida State. Who's driving?
A: The State Trooper.
One day in an elementary school in Columbia, SC, a teacher asks her class if the South Carolina Gamecocks are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy says, "The Clemson Tigers "
The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan."
The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a South Carolina fan."
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of South Carolina campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Do you know why the University of South Carolina football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the South Carolina Gamecocks?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three South Carolina fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: How do you get a Cockfan to stop masturbating?
A: Paint his dick orange and white and tell him he cant beat it for 4 years.